Acknowledgement
At
the outset I would like to thank my dear parents for bringing me up in this
beautiful earth and raising me through love, care and hardships. If I were not
born this beautiful world would not have lost anything without me, yet I would
have definitely lost such beautiful gifts and experiences this precious earth
offers. My parents are the first teachers in ensuring that I become and stand
as a normal human being. I would also like to thank teachers, professors and
lecturers of Autsho Primary School, Tangmachu Middle Secondary School, Lhuntse
Higher Secondary School, National Law School of India University and Sherubtse
College without whom I would not have been a person that I am today. Whatever
little learning that I can do on my own and a little knowledge that I might in
case have is not due to my hard work but thanks to their teaching, effort,
support and love. I would also like to thank my friends, family members,
relatives and everyone for understanding me, being with me and teaching me in
each of their own way. In addition, I would like to thank the five elements of
nature for constituting me and everything else in this universe that has also
created condition for me to write this short novella about myself. Of course my
heartfelt thank extends to royal government of Bhutan for giving us free
education and happiness. Lastly, how can I forget to thank Buddhas and
Boddhisatvas for blessing the sentient beings including me in any possible way
in every passing second since the times immemorial; I feel it is the force that
gave hope to humanity.
I
wish you all happy reading and urge you to be generous in rendering feedbacks
and suggestions for my betterment in future since all existing things on this
earth cannot be without interdependence. As a human I am fallible and as a
least learned falling short of diligence blended with destitute of inborn and
acquired wisdom, I have no doubt that I might have murdered beauty of meaning, track
and words in addition to mechanical errors. Thus, with folded fingers on heart,
I offer my sincere apology to all the learned and compassionate readers to
excuse me for those. May god bless you.
TASHI DELEK! THANKS FOR READING
Drop your suggestion or feedback at tashidorjibhutan505@gmail.com
OR
on social media.
CHAPTER 1
AFTER CLASS 12
It
was shocking news for me when on the evening of 28th January, 2012
the results of class 12 were declared by Bhutan Examination of Secondary
Education. It surely was a day of announcement for me. News was announced in
BBS and it was reached to me by parents who also heard from others via phone
contacts. I felt tittle both apprehensive and inquisitive to see if I had
scored 60s the each subjects. My exams didn’t go that well nor that bad. Marks
were declared via internet and B-mobile networks. I chose to look through the
internet. Autsho, a place which sheltered me for last two decades is landlocked
by four mountains covered by pine trees. Settlement took place in the valley along
the highway and nearby which was few meters above the river, Kuri Chhu. My
parents said the number of shops and people were comparably less during our
first visit to Autsho. It increased considerably these days. Even the scene I
beheld during childhood days are but memories. Trees decreased in number when
importance was given to infrastructural development. Autsho falls under
Tshenkhar gewog of Lhuentse District and it had no internet facility then. Thus
we made youngest maternal uncle who stays at Thimphu to check my result. He
also often discharges other tasks on our behalf in Thimphu which otherwise
would require us two days of travel and more. I am sure he clicked on Sherig
Home page on Ministry of Education website and checked my result (I knew the
steps when I checked later myself at Thimphu). English 72, Dzongkha 72,
Chemistry 66, Physics 55 and Biology 80 were the words uttered over phone and I
scribbled down as quickly as I can. I was very pleased, excited and delighted
as results were a bit higher than my expectations. Scoring English 72 was a
huge surprise and excitement that I could not hold my joy. Though I felt it
went good during writing, I didn’t expect this mark and I would like to
consider it as luck for I consider English as mystery which makes me scared
even to these days. Biology mark too satiated me consoling for physics 55. Mentally
I chose to opt for Bachelor in Education at Paro or Samtse College of Education.
Through
hardship, may be not as harder as later, I tried applying for ex-country
scholarship that had deadline from 7-14th February, 2012 which as
usual was organized by Department of Adult and Higher Education, Ministry of
Education. I applied on 13th February. I ranked 217 in shortlisted Arts and
Humanities field for ex-country scholarship and acquiring scholarship was like
getting stars on the earth. In the field of science my physics mark couldn’t
qualify for ex-country scholarship since minimum of 60 was requirement.
Similarly online application for
in-country scholarship was scheduled from 14th to 24th
February, 2012. I also applied for it. On the path that I found myself and
walked, god was observing me if I was walking on the right track. I reached
Thimphu from Autsho on 15th February as result declaration of
ex-country scholarship was scheduled on 27th and 28th and
individual short listed needed to go for selection interview. On the selection day, though many were
shortlisted, only few were called their names and I was one among many whose
names were not called and who waited in the rain with lips dried. After waiting
in rain for an hour or so selection in Arts and Humanity department was done
and I had no choice but to return home. My dream of studying abroad, which was
established after result declaration through scholarship died there instantly. But
who knows god had other plans for me.
The selection for in-country
scholarship was conducted by respective Bhutanese college administration. The
selection was done college by college in different scheduled dates. I was first
called by College of Natural Resources followed by Sherubtse College offering
me course of BSc. Sustainable Development and Life Science. I took some time to
decide if I have to concede to offer of BSc. Sustainable Development course.
Before I could decide on offer made by CNR Sherubtse College administration
called me offering Life Science but I pointedly denied by saying, “I am going
to CNR”. They understood even if I didn’t say “No” directly. I then called back
to CNR confirming BSc. Sustainable Development course. I breathed a sigh of
relief after confirmation after all the doubts, confusions and worries that
cropped up after result declaration and after applying for ex-country and
in-country scholarship. Till result of class 12 were done I was very relaxed,
stress free and workless. Nothing was a cup of tea and no yields are without
labor of hardwork. At high school we had to think of future and study seriously
and sometimes repeatedly and lot of fun and good time, comfort, sleep, free
time and relationships were sacrificed. Repeating the same thing over and over is boring and tedious. I had
taken lightly on myself and wished to join in teaching colleges while studying,
though.
At
Thimphu I stayed with second older sister doing nothing much productive than
eating, watching television, doing dishes, sitting and sleeping. Yet wonders do
strike at times. In routine of those normal activities that night became the great
night when I heard the announcement from Kuzoo on availability of scholarship
in BA.LLB (Hons.) course in India funded by Bhutan National Legal Institute. It
was full scholarship. I was no frequent listener to radio but coming across
such announcement was a pure blessing in disguise for person like me who wanted
to go abroad for study on scholarship after I failed in ex-country scholarship
selection. I made a visit to office of Bhutan National Legal Institute (BNLI)
to enquire about scholarship the next day. The course was for the term of five
years. I discussed about it with parents and they were equally indecisive as me.
On one side they had secret admiration for the LLB course just like me. As I
already confirmed scholarship at CNR I had tough time in deciding whether to
apply for study of law. However, after consulting with uncle, parents, others
and my inner self I decided to go ahead with application. I got a call to come
for the interview. Although there were four applicants, one guy withdrew on the
interview day. We were made to write essay on “Why do you want to study law?”
After submitting the paper, each of us was called for the interview turn by
turn. On declaration day they selected
me. I thought either of those two ladies must have gotten selected as I had
doubt on my English. I could sense command of their spoken English while
speaking with staffs of the institute. I have always felt that my English is
average. Notwithstanding my thinking, two of them said that as a boy I have
higher chance and I saw no hope on the contrary. Towards my surprise it was me
when the staff from the institute phoned again to declare that I was the one.
Then I went to office the next day to receive declaration letter. They congratulated
me and told me to be mentally prepared to go anytime. I was given a time to
think to undersign the contract. I was also made to explore libraries of the
institute in the fond hope of helping me later. They told me to ask any doubts
and questions that I might have with respect to law. They found me very shy,
reserved and meek. I also got a chance to have audience with ex-Chief Justice
of Bhutan Dasho Tshering Wangchuk who was then judge. As usual my mind always
turned blank whenever I make my presence with strangers or higher authority. My
voice turned high pitched, soft spoken and less clear. I had nothing to ask or
enquire about. Even those one or two doubts I encounter on reading I kept it
within myself after battling debate inside head. There always was hidden
inexplicable force preventing my thoughts and feelings from going to the ears
of the world even to this day.
Before signing the legal bond
between the organizer and scholar I had lot of doubts and dilemma which no one
could help me solve. Should I go abroad or cancel scholarship at CNR? My uncle,
who was one to have highest qualification from our relatives, was also confused.
He suggested me to pick the course that exempts me from appearing RCSE. I found out through uncle that if I choose
law I need to seat for RCSE and if I choose to study at CNR as all general
graduates of RUB colleges I have to seat for RCSE. He suggested me to opt for BA.
LL.B and I felt comfort and calmness from the choice. Whenever there is dilemma
or indecision, someone helping to break them is always a greatest relief
instantly. I pondered upon choices each free minute and seconds in order for
decision to be right and best since we have no one who has a government job
from our family. Seemingly jocular but truthful, I thought that we need someone
big from our family as all do not have reliable job and are very humble. Hence,
I felt a need of someone in higher post to lend helping hands in need. There
were lots of financial and human resources shortages and difficulties at home.
Despite that our parents have managed the finance prudently. Hence I viewed BA,
LL.B (Hons.) a little superior to BSc. Sustainable Development. I visualize myself
on the lifted seat of Dasho Drangpoen many years down the line if I choose to
go to India and that already had started to take form of folktales of Dawa
Drakpa. Dawa Drakpa had a big dream of becoming rich. He rested flat under the
tree with his sack hanged on tree above him. He kept wandering what would he do
with all the money that he will earn after selling belongings inside his sack. Unfortunately
and unpredictably he gets killed as rat cuts the rope. He dies there instantly leaving
his mountainous expectations unfulfilled or as mirage. After my own established
conviction of thought I cancelled scholarship offered by CNR through fax as I
was told to do when I enquired through phone. All the disturbing popping options
coming as obstacle to my thoughts were cleared. Lots of mental baggage was
freed. Till then I was enslaved to unstoppable thoughts. Then as instructed I
mentally and physically prepared myself to go to NLSIU, Bangalore to explore
what is law.
I
imagined myself becoming very big, intelligent and transformed studying with
Indian friends. I also had a very wrong notion that Indians are bad at English
and I would outdo them. This silent slave master like ego creeps in without any
reason or based on prejudices. Although I am never a racist I was bit nervous
of their treatment to me on the basis of my race. India is a place where one
needs to be on toes of one’s conscience is what I heard from Bhutanese. One
cannot afford to lose one’s attention. Killing, losing, robbery and other problems
take place there. Those scary issues put doubt inside my head as to whether I
would be able to cope up to different surroundings. On the other hand I was
thrilled, overjoyed and excited to go abroad because it seemed so good to see
and hear others going abroad. Those studying abroad were also valued higher
than those residing and studying within the country. This also influenced my
decision.
CHAPTER 2
JOURNEYING TO INDIA
One
of the requirements among many was a candidate has to accompany his or her
parents during admission time. My uncle has studied in Indian school and
college. He can also speak good Hindi. My parents talked with him and let him
represent them. He was just promoted to the rank of Major before we left to
Bangalore and I missed to attend promotion celebration at his home.
Since
reporting date was apprised all of a sudden by the organizer, we had only a
week to book and reserve tickets. The seats were all booked and in the morning
of traveling date we squeezed in the train that travels to Majestic Station of
Bangalore from Alipuar Duar. We didn’t have a ticket but somehow we thought we
can request TTT of that train. I did not know anything happening inside the train
and was also not worried so much since I was hanging in perceived familiarity
and confidence of uncle. I had full trust in him as my mother’s full younger
brother. This habit of getting carried away in thoughts is still one of my
habits.
While
travelling inside the train varieties of people came stretching their arms for money.
Among the beggars some could be genuine and some fake and we had no clue who
are whom. I adhered to common people of Bhutan’s say, “You should avoid giving
to one because others in line too will follow.” Only if I were born with silver
spoon in my mouth I would have not minded giving even to the fake ones, let
alone the genuine ones. Yet to those who won my sympathy (without parts of body)
I could not hold my stinginess. Likewise, even to hijra I had no choice but to
give to them. I was advised by my uncle that we cannot neglect giving to Hijra
or they will insult us. They do not even like money below 10 rupees. For others
any amount was fine. Without a seat it was very horrible journey for us. We
were mostly standing for three days (48 hours). In tiredness we trespassed
others’ seat and could partially rest our tired legs and body but it didn’t
come without fear and scolding from seat owners. Most difficult part was trying
to hold our sleep. While those who have a berth slept we could not as train was
fully filled to the extent that it approximately required 2 or 3 times the usual
amount of time to reach to washroom. Yet one of the nights I managed to lie
under bed within little space I could find. My uncle asked me to sleep as he
remains awake to keep eyes on our belongings. Apart from holding sleep we had
to hold our excreta since people are fully packed and movements were very
difficult to make. Moreover, I was apprehensive of the location of washroom in
the train. I was very narrow -minded to even try exploring as I had fear that I
might miss reaching back to my place. However, when necessity commanded I had
no choice than squeezing and walking to find washroom. First, I felt the room
inside train was getting hotter as I stepped closer towards it and away from my
place. I discovered it as kitchen where cooks were cooking meals and other
edibles. I retreated and tried to walk in different rooms and could finally find
washroom to release my pressure.
On
reaching Chennai station, the train halted for a short while to let passengers
dropping at Chennai leave. Many free seats were created. I took one and laid
down in order to cover up two sleepless nights but the heat in Chenai was
competing with me to keep away my sleep. So, I got down the train to fetch
water. I nearly missed the train when I came back after filling up the bottle. As
train started moving, people started hanging and I nearly did not get space to hang
when train moved. It invoked huge fear and pain in my mind to see train moving
slowly and with people packed at entrance door. Yet like many of those who were
trying to enter into moving train I too hung at door despite space being
limited. With adjustment I inched towards my seat. God always bless us if you believe
in him. It helped and saved clueless and inexperienced boy from missing the
train.
CHAPTER 3
INTO THE COLLEGE AND HOLIDAY
From
Chennai we reached to Majestic (Kempe Gowda) station and we stepped out. My
uncle did all the job of searching the place by uttering address to locals in
Hindi or English. Then we took bus and reached Nagarbhavi. As soon as we
stepped in the bus we asked conductor to stop as bus passes by Nagarbhavi. He
informed us as we reached Nagarbhavi. We got off, bus continued its journey and
we asked auto riksha driver about NLSIU, Bangalore and they told they would
need 50 Rs to reach us to NLSIU. He took us to campus gate but it only took 3 minutes.
Distance was very near to charge 50 Rupees. May be he took advantage of our being
stranger and new to place. They could have escorted physically or pointed us
direction and we might have easily found the place. However we did not argue
with prize after he (driver) reached us to law school. It was 5 p.m or 6 p.m
and we were behind the time. Interview was supposed to be from 2 pm to 5 pm but
administrators were liberal and they considered me for the interview. We were
escorted to Vice Chancellor’s office.VC had interviewed first half of 1st
year batch of 2012/2013, BA.LLB (Hons.) and the 2nd half was handled
by the Registrar. My self-proclaimed good English in Bhutan was not good at all
there. I felt hard and short of words to tell about why my parents could not
come. Registrar seemed not convinced and pleased with my answers and confidence.
When he asked, “Why didn’t your parents come?” I told, “They are humble. They
could not come.” I repeated those phrase again and again which now I realize could
have made no sense at all. My answer was all “yes” or “No” and very short and
straight forward. I was told that I am the one who is at bottom in terms of
marks and percentage (69%). He asserted that expectation from the college is very
high. He wanted me to work very hard and reminded that I should not fill a seat
for competent and potential candidate. I pledged to work hard. Then I was made
to draw a lot and I got Himalaya 310 left cubicle. Apart from bad interview that
I delivered and harshness in words and tone of Registrar hospitality of all concerned
persons was very good. I remember madam Padma and sir Shangkar with smile being
so helpful to all clueless fresher and their parents in escorting to exam
department, filling out forms and discharging formalities.
I felt
bit offended and hurt on reflecting and reviewing on Registrar’s tone. I
thought I will work very hard and prove against his feeling and my result score
of 12th standards. My ego even reached to sky level when it
commanded me that I would top the class which later proved a stark contrast
instead. Filled out form and relevant documents were submitted to exam
department for registration. I received prospectus and some bunch of hand books
to read and know more about the college. I got sexual harassment code of
conduct act of NLISU, NLS Prospectus, Examination Rules, Hostel rules,
Newsletter and NLSIU Guide to uniform citation. I flipped through some pages of
all of them that first night. I read because I had no other business and my
uncle slept outside the campus in one of the hotels. I was all alone in the
room with simple phone (one with abcde….z button) without working SIM card. My
roommate did not reach yet. I did not know those handbooks are to be read. However
excitement ate away all the lonely feelings and associated pain that feeling of
loneliness and cluelessness bring. I sat on comfort lap of uncle’s presence. I
met with few Indian friends that night at hostels. I could not remember anyone
of their names later except Aakash Parihar. With time I learned all of their
names later, though.
Next
day was orientation day and it starting from 10 am. I was made to dress in
formal which uncle and I bought the night before orientation (in the morning of
2nd stay at NLSIU). Most of them did not dress in formal and it was
okay. During orientation VC and Madam V.S Elizabeth spoke to us. Madam informed
us to come to meeting at 4:30 pm the next day (Monday) for sexual harassment
briefing and awareness. We were made to introduce ourselves at orientation. I
did not literally understand a single word spoken by Vice Chancellor since I
was hearing Indian accent and I was overwhelmed by new scenes and rank of
people. Above all it was difficult to catch up and understand clearly from the
very last row. I had to imitate others’ smile and laughter. I did not even know
what my friends were doing when they held microphone and started speaking one
after another in line. I could only hear and comprehend some of them. They
said, “I am so and so and I am taking BA., LLB or I am looking forward to
studying BA., LLB.” Then I realized it was an introductory session and I
introduced myself when my turn came. I said, “I am Tashi Dorji and I am from
Bhutan. I am looking forward to BA.,LLB” in cold tone and fast pace without
actually having any clue of the phrase “I am looking forward to. “It was sheer imitation
of what other friends had said. I passed over microphone to next person after I
was done.
VC
was right next to introducer and it was quite scary, nervous and overwhelming.
He must have commented when I said I am from Bhutan but may be my nervous and
induced low pitched voice spoken in fast pace could have made no sense at all.
He was commenting after some of speakers. Then we were invited to lunch which
was served at girls’ mess including our parents. I was scared and apprehensive
about how to take lunch. Will my way of eating be same as theirs? Nevertheless
I strategically informed myself that I will follow what others do. I did what
my friends did. Therefore I was more concerned with smooth flow and show than
filling up my stomach. I then came to know that we have to serve on our own.
There were varieties of curries and we can have anything we like or all of it
as long as one consumes. I took all since I was universal acceptor, I used to eat
whatever others eat, be it vegetarian meals or non-vegetarian items except the
one which my society and community (Bhutanese) people don’t consume such as
dog’s flesh, snake, flesh of monkey, etc. Indians eat whatever Bhutanese do and
some were vegetarians.
After
the lunch, there was library orientation session by the head librarian. He
divided us into two groups in two different timing. I was in first batch. They
have also assigned us with ID but like few of other freshers I did not know my
ID number and was confused as to which group I belonged to. Nonetheless I made
up my mind to go with friend I have talked to. When time stroke we went inside
one of the rooms of library where there were books and one presentation screen
arranged. There was a board to write.
Inside
ID did not matter and it relieved my tension of having fallen under wrong group
and feeling ashamed in front of others right in the beginning was saved. It
took about two hours roughly. He taught us about primary sources and secondary
sources and list of citations or references that we can rely on for any sort of
writing or research. He scared us and laughed by saying, “You guys will anyways
spend rest of your days in here most of the time.” Though he was clear, loud
and understandable unlike VC’s speech, I could hardly grasp anything from that
orientation since he was speaking standard English at least in front of me who
is least learned. My friends mostly got what he had to convey whereas few Indian
friends and I got very little since we were little backward in terms of
language and exposure. I comforted myself by saying, “I will get over
difficulties and I will understand everything gradually.” It also turned out to
be true but not unless a passage of month or so. Till one month or couple of
weeks I was not able to comprehend their talks which made me silent to their
question which astonished them. I was only able to understand professors who speak
like us; slowly, clearly, uninfluenced by region and mother tongue. I in a way had
understood his language (head librarian) better since he is south Indian and I
was taught by South Indian teachers back in middle school and high school.
However, my comprehension was obstructed more by usage of big vocabulary that most
professors in the college do. I did not have a laptop and phone supporting
internet to relearn the words I did not understand in class. Hence it took time
for me to get accustomed to things at law school. But trust me, I learned
gradually. At hindsight one of strong reasons for my backwardness could have
been absence of homework and research on my part prior to joining in college. I
remained idle at Thimphu after class 12 or after being selected for scholarship.
Right
after some days of starting college, there was outbreak of chicken pox in the
city and town. College hence was ordered to close and all residents of campus
were to vacate the hostel. I was worried a bit because I had nowhere to go. I could
not go home (Bhutan) unlike my Indian friends due to distance and having to
face unnecessary financial shortage and wastage. But luckily I had one of my
friends and mates of 11th and 12th standard of Phuyum Higher
Secondary School as a rescuer. He was studying B. Com at CMR College as a self-catering
student. I acquired his address and contact through Facebook which I used to login
and use from the desktop of library. In the library in the ground floor there
were number of desktop in a chamber to be used by the students. Those who have
no laptop or dysfunctional laptop would come and do their work from there.
Sneha
was my “roll mom”
and she is from one of the towns of Banglore city (I didn’t asked exact
location). She asked me where I was going in that emergency break of 15 days. I
told I have a friend. She made me call to him. She said try getting to him and
if I don’t find a place to stay, as a last option she would take me to her home.
I was both happy and worried. I felt happy because I got at least one sure
place to live and I felt worried as well. My worry was if I have to go to her
house I may not be able to cope up with the way they live; I was scared that
they may have different life and way of conducting themselves, different from Bhutanese.
This stream of thoughts thing seem permanent mark in my life. Nonetheless, as
old Bhutanese proverb opines, “Although fortune of huge container is exhausted,
fortune of small container is not inished yet.” Rigzin Dorji who was then
studying at CMR College lived with 3 roommate friends (his bro and cousin) and
they agreed to share me their accommodation. Actually I needn’t have worried
because there was also arrangement made for those who could not go home and I
could have easily availed that service just like my roommate and classmate
Bangladeshi friend did; I came to know of this after I joined back to college
after vacation. On the other hand I was happy to be with Bhutanese friends
since I had none apart from one who was studying in the 4th year. We
do not even meet that often because college life was quite busy and it would
take long time to come to know who and who else are student of NLS. Sometimes
all of a sudden new chap pops up before our eyes which creates buzz with a phrase
“did you see this guy, before?” I packed myself to move to my friend’s house.
Thangminlal Haokip, newly met
friend who knows about Bangalore promised me to reach me to Rigzin Dorji’s
place in Banaswadi. He lives somewhere nearby it. Later, he told me that his
uncle runs a Church at one location in Banaswadi and there are many children to
feed. Hence his life is no different from college life which might have been his
one of the reasons for remaining back at hostel with me most of the time when
others leave to their respective home or planned spot of internship during
vacation as each trimester ended after exams.
CHAPTER 4
VACATION WITH BHUTANESE FRIENDS
I
took a bus with Thangminlal who is popularly being called as Lalcha at college.
When bus dropped at nearby place that he stays he made bus conductor whistle
for a stop. We both stepped out of footboard. He then searched an auto and sent
me to CMR College where my friend will come and pick me up. He was waiting for
me when I just reached there. My fear and anxiety of losing myself in unknown
place all faded away and my breath could find a peace and calmness. He welcomed
me with open smile and hand gesture. I shook hand with him. We were meeting
after few months ago. You know what did while at Thimphu in winter? When his
relatives did not send him to unnecessarily roam around the town he would wear
a gho and say to them, “I am going for an official work” and that official work
was to gather with friends, taste different cuisine and play snooker.
His
home was not far from CMR. It was a walkable distance and fairly short distance.
Later on we used to come to CMR basketball court to play basketball after lying
to the gatekeeper by disguising our identity. Only two of them actually study
there and can go inside without permission. May be guard knew us later on; he
threatened us by calling head of that college which a bit scared us and made us
leave the ground immediately without arguing. When Rigzin knocked the door, his
cousin opened the door. He melted my
fear by smiling and being frank with me. Rest of the inhabitants of room also
welcomed me with a smile. Smile and frankness was what I needed the most as a
guest. Now there are five of us in that Home. In later days the house owner increased
the rent after having seen many new faces in that house. Funny things which I
realized later was when a man came to collect rent and took increased amount I bragged
friends with economic lesson which I had learned recently few days ago at
college before the chicken pox’s outbreak. I told them the owner increased rent
because demand was more and supply is constant. They diplomatically shook their
head and said, “Yes you are right.” Two of them used to take law and they also
had fundamentals of economic done and would have easily understood what I was
uttering. Besides they are in 4th grade of BA, LL.B (Hons.) and two
other did their B.Com in Chennai and were preparing for RCSC exam. I should
have instead shared financial cost of rent since I was going to be staying for
10-15 days but rather I mistakenly boasted economic lesson. They were very kind and good host. They used
to prepare meals and serve me and they would never bother of the time I sleep
and what I choose to do. Two of them (one was Rigzin’s own brother) left to
Bhutan before I left back to college. They rose in dark morning and bid bye to
me with, “stay well and study good nungpo” message and though I was awakened in
deep sleep I kind of felt sentimental and emotional since I stayed with them
for five or six days happily. All humans undergo variable degree of pain on
departure whether it is displayed or not. They were very good persons; joking,
chatting and watching movies together. They will die themselves of boredom to
keep me entertained and homely. They would let me use laptop for Facebooking
and Youtubing which at least used to consume an hour. When I overdose over it
who knows how literally they might have died out of boredom. Yet they had their
cell phone to save some boredom, a phone with internet set. There was wifi connection
in the building.
Though
I might have been burden to them I was able to help one of them. His ATM card
stopped working despite having some amount deposited by his parent. He wanted
to send an authorization letter to Druk Punjab National Bank, Thimphu to block
his card to preclude misuse by others. He did not have idea to send his
signature and letter to the bank and was bit worried. He was telling that he
can send type written mail but the bank needs letter with signature. He had
hand written letter with signature and was stuck in sending it across. I used
experience I gained from few days of stay at law school in sending that letter.
I told him that he can scan the letter, attach it to gmail and send. Then we
checked café and were able to find one. He scanned, attached and sent followed
by deep breath of relief. I felt myself useful and pitied him for not knowing
even a small stuff. He was in 4th year of BA.,LLB. Experience
mattered there, otherwise even a small stuff matters and bothers you a lot.
I
used to be escorted by Rigzin to town that they live. He would tell me all he
knows about the town. On the way we would grab some egg puffs and rolls. He and
all of them would smoke but I didn’t. All of them go to terrace to smoke up at
night, day or in the morning for their own reason and passion. I also had my own
reason later on. Once they all took me to one of the stadium to play futsal but
I did not play because there were enough of people to form a team excluding me;
on top of that I was apprehensive to play on the turf for the very first time.
I enjoyed watching them play instead. There were English friends from USA who
works with Rigzin’s cousin. Rigzin’s cousin, Sonam Wanghuk studied till 4th
year in BA.,LLB. He rested for a while after his fourth year to do job. He
wanted to earn on his own and pay expenditure for his study since he has lost
his father when he was young. He wanted to be an independent and I came to know
about his liking to orphanage and orphans in Bangalore through reading one of
the chapters of books that he had written and he had plans to publish it.
Although
we could not have same landscape as that of Bhutan’s which we used to miss it
so much in other’s land, generally my stay with Bhutanese friends was homely
and marvelous one. I was more than delighted beyond imagination to have friends
to feel happy and close in an alien place where everything is viewed and seemed
distanced and empty. But just the way sun sets after its rise, my stay at
friend’s place came nearer and nearer each passing day and I had fear that all
my enjoyment would leave me sooner too. I stayed with them so homely and frank
that I forgot to behave like guest. When time came I packed my stuffs in the
morning. After I had lunch I took an auto to bus stand that my friend
Thangminal had asked me to come to. It took some time, patience, difficulties,
fear and repeated calls to get and meet Thangminlal and step into the same bus
to the college. We met and shared about our experiences. That time allowed us
to get to know each other; we were not close friends yet. We acquired seats and
comfortably seated on the bus and moved along the karmic wind direction which pushed
us again to Law college of NLSIU to experience the unfelt experiences of law
school which 15 days’ stay could not render us much.
CHATER 5
LAW SCHOOL
Till
fifteen days we had so much fun since there were many introduction sessions and
orientations. We had fresher’s night and the event let me struggle when I had
tough time in picking one cartoon character for myself. Hence, I had to invent
character myself. The theme on fresher’s night was, “CARTOON”. We were supposed
to wear and make ourselves look like the characters from cartoon. Most of
Indian friends knew what character they wanted to be since they were so used to
watching cartoon. On the other hand in the first place I did not have an access
to television and other social media. Secondly, I did not have habit of watching
carton movies that often since I was more into Hindi movies followed by
Dzongkha serials and Hollywood movies. Hence my little knowledge and idea about
cartoon character should be justifiable and I had every reason to struggle in
finding a character and making up to look like them. Few cartoon characters that
I was aware of were also ones that I came to know through my nephew’s and
nieces’ time of watching cartoon. They would cry and win over me and watch
cartoon. Hence I came to know about Mr. Bean, Chota beem, Bal Ram Krishna, Tom
and Jerry, Ben-ten, oggy, etc. However, I did not watch those cartoons that
serious. I would go for listening to music whenever children tuned TV into
cartoon networks. I didn’t even know what those characters do and I was not
familiar to cartoon character. Indian friends who had laptop browsed youtube to
copy and make themselves like a cartoon character. On the contrary, what was Youtube
in itself was a curiosity for me. They brought crayons, color pencils and chart
papers to make them look like character they decided to be. They were
successful in making themselves look like character. I had no idea what character
they were portraying and I did not even bother to ask. Since I didn’t have
character or idea to impersonate initially I dropped the idea of attending and
participating in the event. However, my friends told me that I would not have
such opportunity again in life. Besides, I had a genuine impulse and burning
curiosity that was successful in pushing me to attend the event. My heart was
burning and longing to see and experience different things. Whenever shows,
dances and singing happen my passion always burns to watch and enjoy. Also,
whenever I sing and listen to the songs, I have a habit of getting completely
immersed in the song. At times, it stirs calm and stable emotions of mine. When
I was in class two or three, I cried after singing series of songs. I am still
searching for the reason.
At last,
I invented a character for myself. I painted my face black with water color. I
straightened up my hair like porcupine, wore high tack, removed my spectacle
and wore track pant. I wore sweater on upper half of my body. When friends
asked what I was, I told I am DODO, Bhutanese cartoon character. They
raised their eyebrows since they didn’t understand my character. Some of them
even said, be “captain Hajol” since I appeared to them as one. When few others
asked later, “Are you captain Hajole?” I replied “yes”. I don’t know why I
lied. Perhaps I wanted a short conversation to the stuffs I don’t know much.
That was kind of habit, I saw in myself too. Whenever others ask me my name and
details I told them mine and never bothered to ask theirs. In a sense, I only
used to answer to them. That too, short, brief and to the point. On top of all
my blankness made me silent most of the time. I always had nothing to talk
about with others preferring others questioning me than I doing same to them; I
am more than excited to converse. Friends used to be so happy and enjoyed
whenever I utter a word, “I am from Bhutan”. That in fact used to make me
proud. Many of them whenever they talked to me they would ask how is Bhutan.
They also know Bhutan is a small country and happy country from which GNH was
given birth to. They would also ask about King. Being a fresh student, one of
the frequent questions was, “how do you find/like law school?”
“It’s
beautiful” I used to say and add that weather is awesome and these two points
are what most of the fresher say in a variety of ways. Besides, it is fact that
Bangalore has good weather which comes automatically to anybody’s mind. Most
seniors whoever opens themselves up and try conversing with us talk positively.
They wanted us to see law school as promising by hiding unpleasant stories and hardships.
They assured us that we would have loads and loads of fun. Yes, in fact they
were true since there were truckloads of fun since we get to hang around most
often. One or other activities take place in college to keep students away from
boredom. There are bigger cities around the place to hang out and enjoy the
beauty and chillness of Bangalore.
Nonetheless,
bitter truth was also revealed by some others by revealing the difficulties and
problems of law school. “It’s tough here dude, work your ass off all the time,
you will have to be on toes all the time, you will be always busy with assignments……”
were some of the truth other seniors would reveal to us which many had hidden
and rest few were taking neutral position. They were not wrong either because
number of students failing and depressed was also substantially higher
comparing to other colleges as far as what my conscience analysed. Students are
busy to the extent that we find no time in seeing one another often. That in
fact is how we come across with new faces in different point of time at college
despite being in same college or hostel. Basically and in unbiased way, law
school has lots of sadness to offer as much as happiness and satisfaction.
Law
school is sad because it keeps us very busy taking down our weights. Many turn
thin. Studying all the time, I am sure nobody will deny, is boring and tedious.
Our body aches and we feel like vomiting when we overdo it to the extent that
we never feel like starting it over after the break. We enjoy a short break
much more than longer period of study and muscle stiffness. You also know that,
more we study intensely and serious more isolated we become which gives room to
boredom, loneliness and emptiness and over longer period of time has tendency
to cause depression for few. That’s how they start using drugs, consuming alcohol
and smoking up to fill in the gaps caused for burdened monotony. Especially for
ones who are emotionally less intelligent has higher chance to cause
depression.
It
is sad because you also become victim to depression and start using substances
and alcohol. It ultimately spoils you. Notwithstanding that happiness also
found a dome there as coin always has two sides. We know about lots of stuffs
that we didn’t know before. There are lots of activities such as debates, moot,
conference, seminars, and other curricular and extra-curricular activities that
give opportunity to open ourselves up and add experiences to life. For instance
there are many committees run by students and law school is run by committee, Student
Body Association. Being a member of committee gives us responsibility,
liability and leadership quality which are useful for life. You get to interact
with different people, raise fund and organize program. Professors are chairman
to committee and they just support to proposal and move made by coordinators
and members. Hence it gives opportunity to run and organize school which is no
different from running a country but in a small way. While mooting and debating
we get to go to different places, exchange communications and knowledge with
different people and enlighten ourselves. It should be a place to secure our
future, learn, read, analyze and enlighten ourselves. Hence there are lots of
reasons to be happy. If happiness and sadness are to be measured and weighed,
balance certainly would remain imbalanced, swinging here and there turn by turn,
but if one depressed, lonely, selfish and emotionally affected person is to
weigh he will say weight is more towards the sad end. So, if a sensitive and
emotionally less intelligent person is to take a weigh, he will find sadness overwhelming
over happiness. Contrarily happy, positive, hopeful and cheerful person will
find happiness everywhere. Cheerful ones would find balance hanging on cheerful
end. Others would find presence of both equal. Whatsoever, the absence and
presence of pure happiness or sadness would be impossible on the earth. Let you
alone weigh and experience it yourself anywhere. Each of us are taking fair
share of mixture that this life offers us.
CHAPTER 6
FACE OF BANGALORE
If
you are doubtful about the weather, you need not because Bangalore has moderate
weather unlike other parts of India. People say Bangalore is a beautiful and
green city. Yes, I also found some trees planted and grown nearby residence.
Our campus also has lots of trees and coolness. However locals say Bangalore is
growing hotter year by year and I also felt the same even in my three years stay
at Bangalore. In my third year I felt very hot in summer, hotter than summer of
my 1st year in 2012. People attributed warming of Bangalore to
development and technological advancement. They say trees are disappearing. Just
like other metropolitan cities, Bangalore also has lots of patience testing
traffic jam on road junctions. Traffic jam is so thick and intense that sometimes
you have to wait in a car for more than 10-20 minutes at each stop. I didn’t
hate traffic jam initially but as time added on it also started annoying me. In
vehicle with your poor quality cell phone it becomes very tough to wait without
any work to divert your attention to. It feels very hot inside car, auto or bus
while waiting. It is more irritating and annoying when you travel by bus
because apart from carrying lots of passengers it stops at different point time
and again taking lots of time to reach to the actual destination. However all
of these are platform to muster patience which is essential attribute of human
being to be great and successful in life. If you have patience, negative lens
is blocked and you will look the situations and happenings of life through
positive lens notwithstanding difficulties coming across the way.
One
sad and sorry thing about Bangalore is capriciousness of auto-rikshaw driver.
They never charge fixed and same amount to a person who travels to same
destination. There may be some who are loyal and honest too, though. Only safe
thing is to go by the meter machine which also displays the amount. Meter does
not cheat and we need not converse with them much if you do not know the
language. Lots of unnecessary bickering over the cost and growth of hatred and
betrayal can thus be saved. It’s very convenient especially to foreigner who is
vulnerable to cheat. Auto-rikshaw driver are so habituated to collecting extra
amount from customer if meter is not used. They will not mind passage and
wastage of time if they get even 5 or 10 rupees extra as much as we also don’t
mind losing huge opportunity cost if we have to pay 5 or 10 rupees less. Either
way on analysis either 5 or 10 does not literally affect anyone or makes no
difference. But to those who don’t have anything as beggar it will make huge
difference; Charging extra affects lot, even a single rupee. Worse of all is
auto-rickshaw driver cheat if they happen to see a person possessing different
looks then their locality. They would cheat hell out of us (strangers and
foreigners). Sometimes their cheating turns out unsuccessful on intervention by
the true and honest auto-rikshaw driver. I only argued over the price once in
my entire college stay of around three years. We have fixed the price initially
when we travelled from Majectic town to Nagarbhavi. I was returning from Tamil
Nadu from the bus. I went to spend my 15 days holiday with high school and
Bhutanese friends. I returned from there after 7 or 8 hours of journey.
Thangminlal had advised me to come by bus after reaching to station. However,
at bus station there were lots of buses and I could not find bus travelling to
Nagarbhavi by reading the blinking letters displayed on front glass of
buses. Hence I decided to go in
auto-rickshaw. As I went to auto point there were lots of auto rickshaw
drivers. I found one and was deciding price. He said 300 and I knew it should
only cost 150 based on knowledge I acquired through Lalcha. Other driver came
and I told 150 and he was willing to take me. However, first person said he
will take rather. Then we came to college. I was throwing broken Hindi with
him. We conversed and came. He was saying he will charge 200 and I said that
was against his words. He said cost of fuel has increased and I told I just
went through newspaper earlier in the morning and it didn’t. I also let him
know that I could have come in other rickshaw who has agreed to charge 150.
However, he was adamant. I was laughing also. When he reached me at gate we
took few minutes in settling the price and at the end he said, “What sir, you
are arguing just for 50 Rs.” Instantly, I found truth in his words and I handed
him 200 as he demanded. He went back happily. Yet I was just trying to make
sure that we are never been taken advantage of just on the basis of how we
appear.
Notwithstanding
all sometimes despite knowledge I used to give extra thinking that I need not
be generous in different way or at different place. Extra amount will amount to
giving a grant or charity and exact amount is what they rightfully deserve for
service they rendered. Thangminlal bearing Mongoloid look just as Bhutanese,
screw auto-rikshaw driver when they attempt to cheat. He understands and speaks
fluent Kanada (language of state of Karnataka) because he was brought up in
Bangalore at uncle’s home. He had been staying for last 10 years and had
schooling too. He writes Kanada as well. He could catch them out on spot if
they happen to gossip and backbite on him and his race. People like us are
referred to as “chinki” meaning small eyes. My friend had issue
depending on tone of voice they uttered and I didn’t use to mind at all. I even
remember telling him that we indeed have small eyes and that is not a point in
building issue out of it.
It
hardly rains in Bangalore. 2012 was very
dry. In 2014-2015 it at least rained at different occasions. Bangalore’s star
is hardly visible at night because industries and factories smoke polluted the
air obstructing the visible clear sky. Lots of constructions, repairing,
building, and cleaning up is taking place for improvement and development of
city and services. Municipality is also planning to build new metro-track and
it has caused blockage and traffic jam in different place at different time.
There were few already.
City
is big, full of houses, buildings, roads, shopping complexes, malls, college,
universities, schools, hospitals, etc. City has almost everything that people
would want; varieties of food stuff, clothes, electric gadgets, medicines,
services, cosmetics, liquor, crockery, jewelries, park, stationery and lot more
at least of what students needed. We had everything we needed if we really had
money. Students often roam and hang around the cities of Bangalore exploring
and feeling varieties of experiences of sights, smell, touch, taste and sound.
Going to Cinema Theater was one activity that most students are fond of. Even I
had a privilege and opportunity to visit Cinema Theater around couple of times.
I would have gone more than that but was held back by financial issue and
murdered beauty of theatre caused by uploading of new movies online after actual
release of new movies.
Fresher
were taken to treat by their respective rank and roll parents. Sneha was my
roll parent and Abhilasha Ghimerey was my rank parent. They are supposed to
help me out settle in law school and share my problems and difficulties. They
did the justice. There is a culture of roll and rank parents taking us for
treat, either for meals or ice cream. Thereby they take a platform to introduce
ourselves to them. 3-5 parents (seniors) combine and take their kids (freshers)
for a treat. In designated restaurant we have huge task of introducing
ourselves and stating our hobbies, passions, dreams and purpose of coming to
law school in front of those 10-15 people which to me was very nerve-wracking
task and experience. One very difficult task to express was naming of top 5
beautiful girls (for boys) and boys (for girls) from our class (batch). We had
only one section with 86 numbers of students in total including repeaters. It
was huge student that we find it difficult to follow the lesson taught in the
class if you are seated at the back bench or if your classmates chat among
themselves.
In
restaurant I had fear clouding and cropping up in my mind about which food item
to choose since I am not so familiar to single stuff on menu. Next fear was as
to how to eat, use spoon and be graceful. So, clever choice to be normal was to
fearlessly choosing one item blindly as if you have tried it before. Other good
way of choosing is, choosing what others choose so that you would have someone
to look to and imitate vigilantly and intelligently. Trust me, all these have
made me confident the next time since I became familiar and I would not mind to
hang around with others if they are truly willing to treat. You feel the real
taste and flavour with experience. In short I had nerves and narrow mentality. I
appreciate a system of rank and roll parents taking care of their kids.
To enjoy and feel beauty of Bangalore
and to explore I have travelled couple of times during my stay in the cities
and towns but I was only able to make myself familiar to Majestic (Kampe Gawda)
town and I had no idea of M.G Road and other towns which looks big, full of
buildings, roads and appearance of all seemed similar to me. I didn’t bother to know about a place since I
thought I will have someone else with me in times of need and I did have my
friends accompanying me wherever I travelled, a friend who knows the way. I now
realize that I should have explored myself and know more about it by myself even
in absence of friends accompanying me because that would have given me a chance
to be independent and build confidence within myself which will ensure
comfortable travel wherever I move and stay. I didn’t choose that way, I rather
had friend travelling with me or I remained back to hostel if I have no one to
accompany. Mostly, I follow what others had to say and plan rather than
planning and executing my own plans. Even as a child most of the things were
handled and done for us by mother and she didn’t stop doing that even after
growing up. Perhaps, she knew our shy and reserved nature and being dependent
on her might have caused it too. Yet if I get a chance to acquire thousand reincarnations
I would never blame her for such act. She was our savior from childhood to even
this stage of life. Helpless always love being helped and it was not pampering
of her act to me.
CHAPTER 7
CAMPUS
Even
though I didn’t get opportunity to view campus on my first day owing to reaching
at twilight, I had solid three years to see, hear, touch, feel and taste law
school. On the very next day of reporting it was orientation sessions and it
showed us half the campus. Our campus is fenced by wall and it is in the land
of Bangalore Universities, our sister college/university. From Chandra layout
we take left turn, move straight and in about 10-15 minutes we would reach campus.
Just next to us is Bangalore University and I am telling with confidence as I could
place my foot there. When resources in our library, especially for history
project, were scarce I visited library of that university. Bangalore University
is such a big university that it offered Biology, Science and Arts courses.
In
almost outskirt of Nagarbhavi, is where I feel our college is. First gate is
gate 0 (zero), the main gate is gate 1 followed by Gate 2 where most of college
girls enter since it is right next to their hostel. Gate 3 is above senior
boys’ hostel. Those three gates 0, 2 and 3 didn’t have proper watch house.
However, later for security reason watch houses were built with security guard
in each of those houses. One of the college girls travelled out at night with
her friend and she fell victim to rape by group of outsider boys. I was so
disturbed to hear such news in the campus through friends. The news of rape wasn’t
first in India but it was first time happening inside NLS College. To such
animal behavior I don’t think there should be first or last chance. Such crime should
be dealt with stringently by law implementing body. Why? I may never be
objective, yet with total empathy I believe rape brutally victimizes a girl.
Her precious and greatest garb of dignity is totally wiped off from her life as
long as people familiar to her exist. When chastity and dignity is removed, it
traumatizes victims and puts her into depression besides physical pain and
discomfort. If one takes reflecting on her social status, standing and self-esteem
despite being victim already, it is as salt being added on wound. Hence to
commit such dehumanizing behavior anyone should give million dollars thoughts
and one should not fall slave to animal lust, pleasure and selfishness.
After
that incidence, security was tightened, curfew was imposed. No one can travel
after 10 p.m. Many lights and development related to security was brought
about. Bringing in curfew after the incident undermined freedom and liberty of
students. Curfew timing and a need of curfew brought lots of debate among
students and administrators. Personally for me curfew would make no difference
since I hardly move out of room or window. I was totally fine with library and
internet connection for 24*7. Even if I was affected, my voice would have
remained within me since I always keep things to myself and suffer later on
internally while maintaining physical normalcy.
Student
can enter from any gate after showing student ID. Over the time our faces became
familiar to guards and we didn’t have to show our IDs each time we checked in. In
case if we are to go out or come in after curfew time in times of Emergency we
have to register with security guards. However as fact speaks, implementation
remains as problem anywhere. People travelled beyond curfew and I also had experience
of travelling without registration. Nonetheless, generally I observed security
personnel doing it sincerely.
If
we enter from Gate 0 and 1, first things we see is administration block. There
are classrooms and offices of the staffs. It is three storied building with
terrace above. There is a quadrangle (empty ground) in the middle, so everyone
once stepping out of class would be able to see quad if they manage to look
right down or straight ahead without changing directions. We have professors’ chambers,
exam department, Vice Chancellor’s office and Registrar’s office, all inside
that single and huge red building. There is logo in front Gate or door of that
Academic block. You could see a picture of balance on NLSIU logo. There are
three exit/entrance points. One is from VC’s office, other is from entrance where
you will see logo and the third one will take student to canteen. To travel to
canteen we have to walk down the stairway to the underground. Right behind
student canteen is SBA (Student Body Association) common room, where any student
of NLS can go in anytime and avail the services. There is carom, fustball and
chess game inside the room. They also screen movies through projectile in that
room sometimes. I remember watching an Indian movie called “Fire.” Also, in SBA
common room they make decorations and dresses to be used for show in the quad. Basically
our academic block is one huge building with many rooms with rectangular space
in the middle.
There
are trees that provide shade and coolness to students of NLSIU. Below the academic
block lies teacher’s quarters where some of our professors live. There are two
buildings for professors and it is enclosed with another inner fence and gate.
They have see-saw and hammock for their children to play and past their time.
Between academic block and professor colony is road. In fact road is around the
academic block. Right next to teacher’s quarter is Himalaya hostel for first
year boys. I stayed my first year in there. It is very next to academic
building giving privilege for the students of 1st years to wake up
and freshen up when there is just 5-10 minutes for bell to gong if they choose
to miss breakfast and attend class. Most of our classmates did miss breakfast
and they made it up from the canteen during the interval. I also did it twice
when I overslept to make up lost time of sleep caused by read up and project
work. It’s such a nice single three storied building for the first years who
needs freedom from seniors and sense of homeliness. I have liked it very much
like most students did as well. Everyone feels a bit sentimental to leave
Himalaya after they graduate first year. Girls stay between library and
Himalaya. First years girl also get to stay separate like first year boys for
same reason.
There
was one empty building, Sunderban besides Himalaya hostel. Later, in my 3rd
year of stay at college, it was demolished to bring improvement in
infrastructural development. The college management started building bigger and
better to fit in increase number of slots. Almost all students of the college lived
as a boarding students except few 5-10 local students who may have found living
a hostel life quite difficult.
Girls’ hostels were little gapped
from first year boy’s hostel and it was fenced. There were four buildings but
one new building for 1st years was added in 2013. Above girls’
hostel there was a canteen called Chetta that ran till mid-night. There was
never a day without customers. Sometimes if it was so packed and rushy that shy
guy like me, who buys when there were few buyers or none, was hindered visiting
there. Canteen sells edibles such as juice, food, cooked Maggie with varieties,
sandwich, egg puff, egg omelet and juice shakes. Along the way next to canteen and
library there were two small shops selling cooked stuffs for students. Items
such as poori, paratha, pani poori, channa were sold in one. The other one used
to sell juices mixed with chocolate or other fruits or recipe. Over the time
western food items like burger, sandwich and items that was not familiar to me
then and even now were added.
Then
we have library which could be biggest building of all and which is a place of
heaven for those who needed books as a source of authority and information for
any sort of writing, research and project work. It could have been vehicles for
mental journey on road of time. People used it for mooting, debate, writing
papers, journal, book, assignment, reading, etc. Those outsiders also come and
seek assistance of our library to fill in a gap of information. Library is
three storied filled mostly by books, chairs and tables. Books are arranged subject
wise in titled bookshelves. We will find autobiography books from one corner, sociology
books from another, book needed for legal method and jurisprudence from
particular rack, constitutional books, contract law, tort law, Alternative
Dispute Resolution books, LPD (Law poverty and development) etc. from
respective racks which can be availed through use of access number by punching
it in database from the desktop. One desktop is kept on first floor right after
entrance point. We know which access number the book that one searches fall by
punching it in database cutting unnecessary time spent on searching rack by
rack. There was lift system in library. We didn’t have lift in academic block
but one was installed in our second year. There were lots of beautiful books in
the library and I came to know about it only in my 3rd years stay at
law school After I lost a year in my third year’s stay I had to repeat 2nd
year after I flunked in 6 courses. When I repeated the trimester I got free
time in the period of the course that I cleared. I used my free time to read
autobiographies of different famous individuals. I read about Gandhi, Fali
Nariman, Mother Teresa, Professor Randi Pausch, Ex-president of India APJ
Abdual Kalam’s (I don’t still remember his full name) autobiography. Likewise, I
have read other social books written by different authors. Though I got scared
and intimidated by size of book, I made some effort to read few thick books and
I came as a success. Sometimes my friend and roommate Thangminala used to get
envied of my free time which I used it for reading. As a fresh second year
student he has to attend full classes unlike me. He had to research for
assignments and read for classes. My 5th trimester was almost like free
because I only had one course, i.e. Family Law II. There are four courses each
trimester. Before mid of 1st trimester we had to submit two projects
and within remaining half of the trimester I had full time to study for Family
Law II (Student call it as Fly-II) exam. Apart from devoting time for that
single course I used to read, smoke, sleep, hang on social media and travel.
After
library, we have VC’s residents. Then we have our senior boys’ hostels. Ganga
and Cauvery are name of two hostel and building for second, third, fourth and
fifth year students. We also have Hoogly for LLM students and those who prefer
to stay single and isolated for personal or health reason. LLMs are hardly considered
students of NLS. They were viewed as non-students and isolated chaps in common
eyes of many students including me. Among LLM students there always used to be
few who would talk with me. Those who came for student Exchange from foreign
countries also used to stay at Hoogly. I have had a privilege of knowing and
talking to all of those who came on student exchange. It feels special for having
done it. Hoogly and Ganga lie aligned but separated. I got allotted in Cauvery
after graduating from first year. Cauvery is aligned with boys’ mess hall.
Above mess hall is common room for senior boys and I was forced to visit there once.
I got show caused by SDGM for not having signed for room check in my first
year. First year have to go to mess before 8 o’clock and sign. If you fail to
sign, you are amounted to absence on campus even if you are physically present
at dinner.
Just the way first years have a
chance to sleep till first bell rings, we senior boys have a chance to go to
mess very late, literally after closing time and arguments with cooks and
servers. We can go whenever we want since we don’t have to walk 5 minutes like
first years students. First years have no choice but to come before 8 o’clock
to sign room check. Senior boys have no room check and we have privilege to
come to mess anytime from 7:45 – 9 p.m. for dinner.
Lastly,
beside senior boy’s hostel, there is football field which was on process of
building and development in our first year. In our first year our school team
had to go outside to play and practice football but later on in my 2nd
and 3rd year, ground was beautifully built, polished and finished. There
is arena for viewers to watch freely in open air. Separate washroom for girls
and boys were built.
Since
our first year, campus development work was going on every day whenever equipment
and plans were ready. There was no auditorium room in the campus. Later, very
big building in between library and boys hostel was constructed. It was said to
be an academic block. It looks sumptuous and luxurious and right in front of my
eyes it was almost completed except for few finishing and inauguration to be
done on special day. I have no luck and fortune to walk, feel and study in new
building. I had to u-turn to Bhutan, place where I live and from where I started
my journey. My u-turn unlike in my first and second years was permanent and
irreversible. I didn’t return back but memories and mind did it often. Even now
I visualize myself down there sometimes whenever I get free time to miss the
college through sweet memories. I have blamed system, law school and people
when I was at law school but when I have no law school I missed it more than
anything else. Pain elsewhere is more than at law school. In one instance when
I missed the college, whether it is actualized or not, I thought to send my daughter/son
to study at NLS to fulfill his/her father’s wish of completing law school. , I
thought I will give consistent advice, guide and support since I had none
except for few who did once or twice. I thought I will focus more with mental
stability and care. At hindsight and now I felt pursuing one’s own passion is
more important than blindly or forcefully chasing what seem beautiful and
magnificent; hence I take back my blind wish which was triggered by emotional
carry over out of withdrawal symptom of discontinuing NLS. I reconsider my
decision (Please don’t think it as cute but laugh out loud).
CHAPTER 8
DRINKING AT LAW SCHOOL
My
first drinking at law school was also during Happy New year, 2013. I drank a
lot to the extent that I passed out and I could not wish “HAPPY NEW YEAR” to
anyone. I passed out before celebration started at noon. I blacked out to open
my eyes at 10 a.m on my own bed. I literally remembered nothing else except one
instance of roommate opening the door and that too was like something in dream.
I remembered nothing besides that. I had project to submit on Monday. New Year
was on Sunday. I didn’t start my Political Science Project. I had economics
almost done. Having consumed too much cocktail I had terrible hangover. I
vomited 2-3 times in rest room. Friends told me to drink water to hydrate.
However, whenever I consumed water I felt like puking. Feeling of giddiness and
nausea gives a feeling that I would see, touch and smell alcohol again. Even
when I slept giddiness was vibrant. I felt so weak to do project work. Few friends
and classmates of mine visited my room to ensure I was fine. I was not well
till 5 pm. At 5 I woke up from bed, took bath and went to chetta (shop inside
campus) to grab something since I was hungry. Girls from our class laughed and
smiled on seeing me because they saw crazy part of me on New Year party. As far
as what I heard from my classmate friend Deepankar I was said to have danced violently
with them. I am almost like non-existing during my sobriety. I ordered 2
minutes maggi with egg at Chetta. I felt a little better having after having
it.
Then I started my project. Three
friends of mine had been generous enough to lend their hands in finishing my
project. I could make it on next day (last date of submission) after missing
classes for that day. We can submit till 5 pm. After last date, you can submit
till 6th day but at the cost of losing half marks a day. In my first year I had
not submitted after last date and lost marks. Yet I started submitting project
work at the cost of losing some marks in 2nd year. I have always
submitted on last-last date (6th day after actual submission date)
losing 3 marks. It didn’t matter whether I worked hard on project or not, I
landed up submitting on last-last date. That feeling of your work being not so
well kept my work pushed to very last moments. Moreover, plagiarism was treated
so strictly that if it crossed beyond certain percentage you shall be liable
for it. So, we have to make sure that it
is below the allowed percentage. There was application online to check
plagiarism percentage. On thinking I
realized that I lost my jacket the previous night. It probably should have lost
in bus. It was jacket that I have not worn after reaching India.
As insisted by my helpers, I
decided to treat them with simple lunch outside the campus. We visited nearby
restaurant to have lunch. Chirau Jain, Deepankar Baudh and Thangminlal had
sacrificed their free time to do my assignment when I was sick and I could
submit it on time. All of us decided to take parata with dhal thakda. Two of
them took chicken and Chirau and I had veg item. It was good break from eating hostel lunch. I
had no issue with food served in mess. I have never wasted food. I had habit of
going for second share as well. at times when my mood is so good I didn’t mind
taking both chapatti and rice. We were served two to three varieties of curry.
Twice a week we were served chicken. Chicken Biriyani was also served at times.
The second
instance of falling flat by drinking was during my third year’s stay at
college. When our batch celebrated mid-law I had pulled hooka and drank as
cocktail. I didn’t dance that time. i was vigilant and careful the second time
yet I lost my consciousness when I consumed beyond my capacity. I fell back to
sense when Aakash Parihar and Prateek padded on my back. The bus had reached to
our campus. They helped me to my hostel. After dropping me they left. It was in
the early morning 4 or 5 a.m. I closed my eyes to sleep.
CHAPTER 9
SCHOOL DAYS
There
should not be a doubt to say that I am kind of student who believes in working hard.
I always have at least taken seriously in studying starting from the 9th
standards. While the days during my primary school were different stories as I
never used to study and the time that I remember studying was on the morning of
exam day. Sometimes I used to land up not finishing reading up before exams.
Yet my results were always good. As I started my schooling in Pre-primary level
I just passed and as I advanced the grade over the time my performance started
improving though there wasn’t any improvement in my attitude towards study.
Although I had no habit of studying yet I was blessed to have colorful results
during my primary schooling days. From class two I was second from the class
along with one other male friend from the class. I stood 3rd in my 2nd
grade during mid-term. However, as the academic year ended my performance
position in the class changed, I leaped to first. From 2nd standard
onwards I always stood first from the class. People would always expect my name
to be called whenever results declaration and announcement of position
happened. I would stand up as they call my name and collect prizes and results
which usually happened on 18th December, the next day right after
important and magnificent National Day. However, humility was there as I
recollect today. I would never take for granted that I will secure first. There
used to be fear and curiosity when the results were announced. There was no
confidence or arrogance on my part. Even after the results were declared it
would be friends who celebrated or boasted on my behalf than myself. I had no
fun or time showing off to others either. My soul was pure as a child which I
appreciate and envy as a grown up now.
In
my 7th standard at Tangmachu Middle Secondary School I used to study
during study period. We used to have an hour of morning study, an hour of
evening study and two hours of night study. I might have utilized study period
properly for study and doing homework but didn’t study finding separate time.
Yet those periods were more than enough to bring good results, I used to top
the class; Classmates were diverse and from different primary schools as
opposed to primary school. Yet I could not win over all the sections, though.
We had 5 sections in class 7 and my elder sister and I were in section E. I led
whole sections’ position starting from 8th standard till 10th.
Teachers and friends used to have full faith and trust in my performance. Even
in the class they used to appreciate my behavior.
After I graduated from middle
school I landed up at Phuyum Higher Secondary School (now known as Lhuentse
Higher Secondary School). In 11th I had tough time deciding pure
science or bio science. At the end I decided to take both biology and
mathematic. As a class 11 student general attitude is “11 is heaven” and
therefore no one would study too seriously. People would just study at last
moment enough to pass in the exam than bringing good score. I didn’t pay much
attention to mathematic yet I managed to pass in the exam and rest were better
with my final score marks of 69 percentages. In class 12th after our
biology teacher had advised us to choose one subject instead of both. With
hardship I decided to take biology and drop mathematics. Who teaches and how it
was taught used to matter lot to the students and I found biology teacher more
convincing and interesting than mathematic. Hence I dropped mathematic and my
prospect of becoming engineer which during that time had very huge prospect for
career was murdered. Standards went pretty good but not that great. Thus, in
general I used to feel contented with my academic performance.
CHAPTER 10
MY MENTALITY
I hail from
Thangna, Drujeygang, Dagana. My father had a job that would take him and his
family from place to place. As a consequence we landed up being at different
parts of Bhutan. However, we got stuck at Autsho for over 20 years. My father
served the nation as a mason building houses, roads, bridges and other
infrastructure under Department of Roads. People of Autsho and students of
Lhuntse and Tangmachu often think that we are from Autsho. Yet, the truth is
Autsho is just temporary address of ours.
Usually I used to get along well
with friends during my school days. I was courageous and confident when with
friends around me but when left alone I was quite a shy guy in crowd. I would
have fewer topics to talk, share and discuss and mostly it would be silence
dominating the atmosphere that contains me and many others, especially girls.
Though I can be frank and little talkative with classmates friends, I had
limited talk with class mate girls. Generally I was happy, contented and fine
guy to be friend, son, nephew and student. There was only little discomfort
with myself or my inner feelings. External beauty and fun time used to be
overweighing than inner struggle since I had someone to take care of me.
Although I liked to be in group, I would choose few friends to be my permanent
friends to rely in times of both joy and sorrow. However, my perspective of
life changed a lot after I reached college.
As
a child I had been social and open kid who would not bother to chat, talk and
communicate with friends yet shyness as clouds in the sky was there depending
on situation. I have been to many of my friend’s house to play and halt night
and at times friends would visit mine. I used to be a well behaved kid when I
was at other’s home. That was sort of inbuilt quality of mine. Nonetheless, I
had been liberal sometimes in breaking my own discipline by using my
intelligence, prudence and vigilance when I come to know about absence of other’s
parents at home. I would switch to naughty mode and would not hesitate in
watering down the boundary between my own home and theirs.
However
when merciless and detached time murdered childhood, I started becoming more
shy, introverted and enclosed person who would not go to other’s territory much
unless backed by necessity and that too would be under compulsive pressure from
parents/relatives. One of the reasons could be I had been in boarding school
since 14 from 7th standards. We would get to stay only around three
months with parents while most months and days were spent at boarding schools.
Because of not having stayed enough with parents plus weak communication skills
and weak emotional intelligence I lacked social skills whenever I am at home. I
had discomfort and feeling that I was not hospitable enough. I used to feel
hesitant and awkward to welcome others at my home, make them sit, converse,
provide a cup of tea or meals, etc. I had rather avoided such contact with
people by handling them to mother directly. We would mostly have her to do those
stuffs. Of course, my father is a good communicator to guest or visitor at
home. I found it hard to stand and pass people I encounter on the way or by my
side during work. I always had thoughts inside me such as “How should I
carry myself? Should I smile or be normal? Is it okay for me to not look at
them and pass or should I look and smile? Will they not brand me as bad
if I don’t look at them and pass? Is not talking to them going to be
fine?” But mostly, I had reciprocated what they did. However, with
familiarity things are different and I promote my level of shyness to little
confident. Yet with some people I used to have good communication which at
hindsight I realized is poor communicator requires familiarity or good
communicator at the other end. Yet what seems paradoxical is, I should rather
have gained communication skills at school since it’s a platform where we get
to stay and communicate with hundreds of people and all are of my own age or
few years younger or older.
I
used to be moody sometimes but I use my conscience to do away my moodiness
because I have always wanted to follow morals. We were briefed what is good or
bad by parents, society and teachers. What hurt others, I didn’t like it
either. What makes me and others happy also made me happy and contented. Jesus
said, “Do good unto others as you would have others do unto you”. It is also
true that I used to think a lot as an introvert as much as I stare at things
blank for a long time unless triggered by certain stimulus. I shared what was
worth sharing and what can be shared in a way being a semi permeable membrane. Things
are different once I discover my range of comfort and familiarity.
CHAPTER 11
CHILDHOOD PASTIMES
Singing had been
my passion since my early childhood stage. I remember the moments of
Supervising Officer’s (Department of Road) wife stopping me on my way to school
and making me sing for her. Others and teachers also made me sing. She would
give me some bucks for singing. I would sing instantaneously most of the time
and I had few times where my hesitation and shyness lengthened my singing time.
In my 3rd standard instead of giving speech, I sang a song. Even in
class PP friends and I in group sang a song instead of delivering speech and
same was accepted and applauded. I was introducer of speech and I uttered
imitating other daily morning speakers “Good morning, Today I am going to sing
a song for you” and principal sir Tshewang Ngidup corrected me after singing
that I should use “we” instead of “I” as there were four or five of us in group
singing. Instead of delivering morning speech at times singing was permitted to
break the monotony. Delivering speech as a primary student was nothing but
memorizing and reciting or mere reading. I gradually started loving listening
to music. I would go to my friend’s house to listen to songs which I used to
memorize and sing it later. During childhood stage our memories are sharper and
more so with interest. It is sharpened more when you listen to it with
frequency.
Playing
marble used to be our pastime. Our weekends, summer vacation and winter
vacation were mostly consumed by playing marbles. We play from the late morning
to the dark. At times our mother would come and fetch us. We would miss our
meals and at times mother would come with stick to whup our ass but before she
catches us we would already be disappeared from the scene. She would come
slowly while we were into the game with stick hidden behind her back. Yet we
would not pay heed to her and playing never stopped.
Likewise at night we had habit of going
to others house for watching DVD and CD movies. We had no hesitation even for a
second to make a move after having dinner. At times we would go to movie before
dinner and by the time we reach back after completing movies parents would have
slept. It would be 9 or 10 p.m. We had to serve on our own or sometimes we got served.
We often used to doze off while watching movies. When sleep is quite deep we
would tell friends or siblings to wake us up when last fighting scene appears
and snore. Fighting and action movies would keep us awake. And as a kid only
action movie used to make sense to us. Hindi, Chinese and Hollywood movies were
access movies and Bhutanese movies had been rare. Room would be occupied by
children of Autsho and at times we would miss to get a place. Sometimes we
would fall late and door would have been latched from inside. To knock the door
is never easy with fear and hesitation. If there were friends, as soon as one
knocks others would hide as quick as possible. When owner opens the door and
lets him/her in other friends would follow. All the slippers would have been
kept at the outside. At times no matter how many times one knocks they never
open the door and when waiting time gets it would drive us back home, upset
often. If they don’t show movies they don’t open the door or even if room is
totally filled they would not open up the door. Our parents would stop us but
we would never listen.
Similarly,
swimming was also our childhood day’s hobby. In summer, Kurichu River at
Autsho would form a branch and we go to there and swim after walking half an
hour and crossing the bridge. Dorten chhu after crossing bigger chorten was
another swimming spot. Other times especially in winter when current of river
becomes gentler we would swim at the peripheral parts of Kuri chhu. However, it
gets deeper as we move forward towards the middle. Our parents would never risk
and allow us to go for a swim. Mother would come up with whip or stick whenever
she got information of us having gone for a swim. Running water was risky and
she had a fear that we would be washed away by the river. As she beats we would
stop her by snatching or grabbing her stick or by running away. Likewise,
teachers would also warn students to refrain from going for a swim. I once got
belted by our Dzongkha Teacher along with 4 or 5 friends of mine. He struck our
bottom with 30 cm wooden ruler (2 to 3 cm thick). He was officiating head
master then. It was very painful. I felt shameful and angry at the same time
which kept my tears pooled. Shame
associated with letting tears down the cheek would not let me close my eyes
since puddled tears would roll down the cheek. It’s shameful because friends
would tease later on if they see me crying which unnecessarily would trigger
anger in us. Many students used to get beating on the account of having gone
for a swim. At times principal or teachers on duty would strike twenty to
thirty students after morning assembly after they read out list of names of
whoever violated repeated warning. They
would trick or threaten us in order to get the names of friends who escaped the
list. Even some parents of whose kids had gone for a swimming after influence
of their friend or according to his own will would report the matter to
teachers. Hence we had no chance to enjoy our hobby with freedom. Parents and
students had huge respect and fear for teachers during those times. What parents
fail at home teachers would correct it if they are reported of the matter. Those
kids who are complained of not behaving well at home and outside by their
parents or guardian let teachers to discipline him/her through corporeal or
other necessary means.
CHAPTER 12
FAILURE
AT LAW SCHOOL
The
road that I took till 12th standard was a common and that one road
called “walk and keep walking.” You will encounter something on the way and you
will pick up and cope up. I had no thought that I should trace my own path,
walk and leave a footprint. Even in terms of job I thought if I keep on walking
the road, time will find me a job. I never thought I will come across struggle.
Perhaps since I used to stand 1st from class irrespective of
class/standards I thought that I would
always have things under my control including acquiring job just the way I find
it easier to stand first automatically higher the standard kept me walking
despite the apprehension each beginning I step. I was very wrong on it. Road I
took was a road, where I believed I would go with flow. Life in contrast has
never been plain, easy and simple. It was not free of choices. Many choices
cropped up and making a decision was hardest thing for me and still I find it
hard to make decision currently. In my 9th standard I had dilemma of
choosing economics or IT and in 11th standard of science or commerce
or arts. Those peripheral roads of having to make choice were of same qualities
as the main common road that I encountered later. I thought whatever I choose
will be fine one. Diversified roads of life were very inevitable.
Even
after the 12th standards I had a same view that I can go along with
flow. Hence whatever I choose it did not matter. I chose BSc. Sustainable
Development among 15 other options such as Bachelors of Science in Life
Science, Bachelors of Arts in Sociology, Bachelors of Science in Environmental
Studies, Diploma in Forestry, Diploma Agriculture, Diploma in Animal Husbandry,
Diploma in General Nursing and Midwifery, Diploma in Traditional Medicine,
Bachelors in Education General, Bachelors in Education Bio-chemistry and
Bachelors in Education Physics chemistry. Yet again I encountered another road
even after I decided to pursue BSc. Sustainable Development course at College
of Natural Resources, Lobesa. Even after I chose to go to CNR another choice
cropped up after decision and that choice won my decision. Choosing the road of
BA.,LLB (Honors) seemed promising and I had to give up BSc. in Sustainable
Development.
Yet
when I lost a year at NLSIU in second year I had to discontinue going back due
to withdrawal of scholarship. Perhaps, God wanted me go through that. It would
have also wanted me to have other course/choices. Hence, I have not blamed
myself and anyone for that matter of my failure in 2nd year. However,
I have blamed system at NLSIU when it took very long time, more than permitted
time, to evaluate and declare results on website. I used to feel time given for
preparation was not adequate. There was interruption of normal class. Instead
of preparing and going to class those who failed in module need to give repeat
exams sacrificing class hours. Counter argument could be that we could have
passed the first exam and have not suffered in preparing for repeat exam.
However we cannot do away with subjectivity in answers students write and
existence of intelligence differences or diversity. Some learn very slow and
need lots of time for preparation. Most of our times are being consumed by
project work. 4 project works in 3 months (trimester) was a difficult task. Not
only do we have to study for project works but also carry on with class
preparation side by side. It is not the end after submission; we also need to
prepare for viva voce. Although doing the project works well makes preparation
for viva easier, having daily classes and other tasks had makes me forget
often. Results are to be declared a week before reporting time but there were always
violation of exam rules in law school itself. We can’t force strength of strong
and good upon poor and weak. Diversity must be respected and given importance
and inclusion too. So, at hindsight I feel repeat exam should have happened
before the start of actual classes or new semester as practiced in colleges of
Bhutan. However, it was my own weakness as well to not fit into the system. I
should have been Romans while in Rome.
More
than not displaying the results on time I was affected by time taken by exam
department to display promotion list at the end of the academic year. Unless
promotion list is displayed there is no way to know which class a student can
sit for next academic year. As promotion lists were not declared, in 7th
trimester (or 1st trimester of 3rd year) few classmates
of mine and I also parked our ass in 3rd years’ classroom with our
batch mates when there was dilemma of whether we had passed or not. Towards end
of 6th trimester, I had 7 carry over (flunked in 5 courses
from second year out of 12 and I had 2 carry over from the first year.) The
college allowed only 3 courses to carry over in higher class. So, there was
little or no chance getting me promoted to third year. Yet, I had paid and filed
to reevaluate 5 courses that I flung. Two carry over from the first years were
History-I and History-II and now I hope you will forgive if I commit mistakes
in historical account.
Re-evaluation took very long till
few days before the exam; 7th trimester was ending without clarity
of where to sit. 1st and 2nd year have mid-term and end
term exam in a trimester. From third year students decide whether to have
midterm or not. Students have always preferred and decided to have one exam in
trimester. So, from third year they usually write only end term exams. There is
common understanding that the exam department might have been burdened with
multitude of tasks such as displaying of promotion list, preparing time table
for classes and exams, conducting exams, conducting evaluation and re-evaluation,
printing text books and other relevant works. Yet even small loopholes in the
way it functions had severe impact on us. For instance, though we sat in 3rd
year’s class, there was no certainty. We had fear that we would have to go back
to lower class anytime in case promotion lists and reevaluation come as
otherwise.
Even
after doing repeat exam there is another chance to clear through exam called
special repeat exam. As per convention followed in law school, only those who
have four carries could give special repeat exam. They can choose any one
course out of four to avail special repeat exam. Students write their special
repeat exam and they clear and clarify their confusion. They legally and
rightfully can go to higher class after passing. While those who have only five
carry over are not able to have special repeat exam, those whose parents could
come to appeal could write special exam despite having more than 5 carries. Some
who have 5 carry over were allowed to write special repeat exams. However,
those information are hearsay and I have not validated. I was waiting for
re-evaluation and if I clear two courses out of seven failed, I will be left
with 5 courses and I can have opportunity to write special repeat.
Reevaluation
results came when there was a week left for exam of new trimester and promotion
list came just two days before exam. I had cleared one course still leaving me
with six back papers. Hence it was clear that there is no possibility for me to
have special repeat exam. After hearing news of my reevaluation my roll mom
once came to me. She said she will call her parents and request special repeat
on my behalf in case if I wanted. I said no and she respected my response;
there was no forcing. As I was engaged in thoughts and activities during those
moments I had failed to thank her for her generous and big help, I genuinely
thank her now. I could have availed that chance once yet there was some force
holding me those times which I do not understand it today as well. So, it was
clear that I failed. However, by then I had finished attending almost all
classes of third year except last few classes after declaration of results of
reevaluation. We had hope of writing third year (7th trimester) exam
despite having failed in second year in the hope that later we could have one
trimester free yet that was not allowed. The request was not legal and that
hope in fact was baseless to cling onto. I felt upset, drained, clueless and sad
since I was apprehensive and fearful of my ability and chance of continuing law
school.
Displaying of promotion list of the
year took very long because of conduction of repeat and special repeat exam.
Actually there should have been clear cut promotion list first and then we
should have gone to classes but there were no interruption or clarification on
the part of relevant body regarding status of students who have filed
reevaluation. However, we decided to sit in 3rd year as we were
advised by SBA President upon consultation. Even for us it is logical to attend
third year class than repeat second year because in case if we clear few
courses in reevaluation we would not miss third years lessons taught in the
class. Likewise, even if we flunk after reevaluation, lessons of second year
would be already learnt ones except few updated information if any. Yet all of
these have become like tale of drunkard.
I had to update about results to
focal person each trimester or by the end of academic year. I sent my marks and
also informed them my misfortune. Yeshi Dorji sir apprised me that should I
fail in exams I should bear expenses on my own. The legal contract signed between
the Institute and I clearly states that I should complete the BA., LLB (Hons.)
course within the given five years. Yeshi sir had handed his responsibility to
Pema Wangdi, Research Officer. Pema sir told me that my sponsor would not bear
an expense even if my marks drop since I was a scholar, let alone fail. They expect
excellence over the course of year after I am used to system. Yet, what they
are unaware was my background, my intellectual power and expectations of
college. Our college is a top law school. It is ranked No. 1 since 2012 and
professors expect us a lot. Trimester system is very tight and busy. We do six
exams a year besides 12 projects and presentations. Some professor would cut
our attendance if we fail to read the assigned task for the class. Though I
always read that what was assigned often I could not comprehend what I studied.
There was very less confidence in my comprehension and I have chosen to remain
silent in the class on that account. One time, the fear of not having
comprehended properly made me consider myself as those who didn’t read for the
class. Those who did not read were made to leave the class. I had read, though.
Should we read for class or do research for a project? Where is our time for
recreation, hangout, exploring youth and communication skills? However, on
proper analysis on hindsight I thought why could not I adapt just as majority
did? It is hard to answer even today. I still lack confidence to say that I can
be fish inside that water.
I hail from a family who didn’t
even go to school at all. My father learned a bit of numbers and basic names of
things related to his work in English through his job and Dzongkha through his
father. He had passed the exam of RCSC that they needed not give during their
time. His father was a lama and my father survived him when he was 13 years
old. Besides being illiterate we had no strength and health in finance. We
survived out of father’s salary (around 8 thousands a month). We are of 5
siblings and three sisters have their own children to look after as a dependent
to their husbands. Although they had schooling, it was not high to be in a
position to advise, assist and guide me to right direction and they are mostly
reserved. Yet through thick and thin my parents have not given up in providing
me finance even after I came back to Bhutan after leaving law school. They had
not stopped pouring their care, love and support especially in my hard times.
Their condolence would often choke me out in phone and I had to command muscle
of my brows to stop being enslaved by pounding emotions. Although our merits
are weak, I also exercised and shared merits of uncle who also had financially
supported me in times of need. At one time he gave his own laptop to me; it is
old model and damn heavy. However, even he could not guide me all the time
since he has his own children and life to look after and guide. Even other
uncle also helped me a lot. I owe them huge intangible debt yet reserved nature
of mine is finding hard to pay them back what they deserve.
I realized that I wasn’t perhaps as
intelligent and sharp as college has expected. My habit of shyness and reserved
nature had also hampered my study. I wasn’t able to ask when I really needed
to, be it to friends, seniors or professor. I have asked only under compulsion.
I spoke very less and few in class. I have never participated in class; I only
needed to open my mouth and make my friends hear what I say, when professor
made everyone in the class speak turn wise; to present the assigned work the
next class, the next day. I don’t know why I choose to remain silent, hesitant,
shy, introverted and dissatisfied by own nature. I am still waiting for myself
to change over time and I have waited enough wait so far. I feel tired
sometimes. Self-pity, self-sulking, sad and frustration are mixture of emotions
I felt at different points of time. Whenever I speak to people who are not so
close to me my voice tremble, shatter and turn soft-spoken. My hoarse voice
turns into feeble. To the tone of my speech I always felt dissatisfied. There
always was room for regret thinking that I had not spoken in that particular
way or I should have spoken that way. My inability to open up with friends had
impacted my mentality lot. I lived under that mental pressure of myself being
no sufficient throughout the college life. Even when I had an urge to talk I
feared to go ahead. I didn’t want to hurt myself in case if their tone sounded
harsh. Even small tone of words would hurt me that time. Luckily being shy and
reserved had not allowed anyone to be harsh on me. Even in class during the
break I used to feel so uncomfortable without being able to communicate. So to avoid
being judged I would usually sleep on bench even when I was fresh. I had heavy
feelings and deep conversation with myself. It used to cause me pain and I had
realization that those taking lives must have gone through some sort of mental
pressure in silence just like me. Classmates and friends would give me space
and only few closed would mind to converse with me. Even going to canteen in
break was hard for me even if had missed breakfast and had cash in account.
Sitting in third year class was really hard for me especially without my close
friend. Thangminlal had flunked in first year itself and without him
environment of class was never same. In my first year with him I had him
wherever I go. He was there after class for me, though. We were so close that people
would say, “Are you two gay?” It was in
fact him who made my stay at college little bearable and beautiful to some
extend as well. We would go out for meals, roaming, shopping and watching movies.
He also helped me when I travelled all by myself back to Bhutan. Irrespective
of what is taking place with my mental health I didn’t fail to express my smile
to people. I had lot say, “Tashi, you are so sweet.”
CHAPTER 13
ENDING PHASE IN INDIA
16th
Jan, 2015 was last day of exam for NLS students. I was sad and emotionally
carried away after exam since I will no longer be there after 18th
Jan, 4:30 pm. While friends were playing football I didn’t: I went to see a
match thinking “let me make my last stay happier and worth remembering.” My
friends would never know that the break I will take after 5th
trimester would be “break that will not let them see me again.” I didn’t tell
either. Neither did I discuss about my need to quit law school with anyone except
Lalcha. As roommate and confidant the truth slipped out of my tongue when we
had an argument. Both of us were heated. It was about going to NLS, Mid law
party of the batch of 2017. Mid law is celebration that third year students
organizes as a celebration for making up to mid-point of their journey of
graduation. He told me, “Why would you go to such a party, they are charging
you high.” I told “I want to attend my last party with the batch. I will not
have a chance to be with them even if I want hereafter.” I expressed that I have
less chance of returning back. Even if I do I shall have to be with other batch
of students since I flunked a year. I explained him all the reasons and details
for that. I informed him that my scholarship was withdrawn since the beginning
of 5th trimester. It hurt me to see him not coming to the party yet
as always I never had forcing power. I could not force him to come. However, I yearned
for him to accompany me. At the same time, I was blinded partially by “seize
the moment” ideology as I would not get those times back to be so overwhelmed
by absence of him.
The focal person who looks after me
hade made me stay and sit for 5th trimester since fees for academic
year 2015-2016 was already disbursed (it was supposed to be my third year and 8th
trimester’s fee). With fees being released already I can seat in 2nd
year as a repeater all the trimester. When I updated results and my status as a
repeater, they asked in mail if I will be able to bear lost years expenses on
my own. However, as I could not agree to bear expense of lost year on our own
upon consultations with parents I replied to focal person through email of our
concerns and inability. I shared about my poor family background and issues at
college. After few days upon consultation with the sponsor he wrote me back
through email and the scholarship was withdrawn. So, fees supposed to be of 3rd
year were used for repeating in second year. One trimester already passed with
lots of doubts and confusions. I thought why waste time if I have no chance to
continue with next academic year. The focal person enjoined me to visit the office
during vacation. Usually I remain back in short vacation. After the starting
and the end trimester exam students get only 15-20 days of holiday and after the
middle trimester exam we get almost two months of vacation. In my first year I
stayed back in first and third. I visited home in middle trimester as it was
too long to stay back. Besides, it is always good to visit home and meet people
who meant so much to you for refreshment and growth. I was consoled by focal
person that I still have a chance of continuing. They wanted me to stay strong
and study 5th trimester assiduously since they felt it would count a
lot in influencing White and Case in retaining my scholarship. I acknowledged
their gesture of kindness but I sensed there is very minimal chance for me to
continue. I wished things could have taken into consideration on the compassion
ground. Yet as I was very clearly apprised in the beginning before undersigning
the legal bond, they were only strict to it; nothing more nothing less. Excellence
is always expected from scholar. Moreover how much more can they be
compassionate? They already had given me a chance to study for five years and I
missed it somehow.
As it took almost forty three
hundred thousand per academic year my parents were apprehensive of bearing them
our own. Hence, we had no choice but to request them to give me one more
chance. Later, when fees were sent, I visited account section to pay my 5th
trimester (repeat) fees. I discovered that the fees in total only comes around
hundred thirty thousand since I had to repeat only 5 courses. I was obliged to
pay tuition fee of 5 courses only and the total amount dropped down. Three
hundred thirteen thousand five hundred sixty four was returned back to me by
the college. By that time everything was settled with the focal and sponsor.
Later after reaching in Bhutan, when I shared about fee actually being less to
my parents, they also regretted. They felt they could have adjusted and managed
that amount. Yet, whatever happens happen for a reason.
Right
after exam even while watching friends play final soccer game, I felt lonely
and bored. So, I returned to my room, my cubicle to which I am strongly
addicted. It was a place I would sit for most of the time since there was wifi
24 * 7. So, I poured my emotions on Facebook page, “Truth of life”. ….paste the excerpt here
I booked the flight ticket on 18th
Jan. Most of the NLS students go either on 17th or right after exam
(16th) itself. I deliberately booked on 18th January to
stay at hostel to enjoy air of NLS one more night. There was feeling of
attachment to a place and there was inner calling within me begging to return.
The final overwhelming feelings of moment made me forget depression and hard
time that I underwent in the past. All I could think was how to come back. In
middle of trimester, I thought I would try different college in Bhutan since
LLB in India, NLS was my wrong choice. So when I told Lalcha that my prospect
of coming to NLS back is 50:50 he told me, “I know you are not coming because
you already decided that you don’t want to come.” I was frustrated at him but I
laughed and tried to tell him I will come and he repeated the same line “you
are not coming”. I assured him that it’s not in my hand to determine my come
back, it rather depends on sponsorship, either from the old one or new. I
cannot afford to self-fiancé around four hundred fifty thousand Rupees a year.
When I underwent depression I thought if I drop law school I will join into
teaching profession. Having back up plan even while I had weak mental health
was source of pride when I recollect it now.
Lalcha
wanted to take me to his uncle and aunt since I won’t come back but I refused
and denied out of shyness and my diffident nature. He told me that I might
regret later on in my life for not having done so. Though it may sound arrogant,
to tell the truth I have not regretted till this point of time as I still have partial
dirt of that mentality or perhaps it is my nature. Yet who knows his words will
self-fulfill its prophecy with time when I change and discard shyness. We roamed
in town of Bangalore on 17th to make some memories. In the town he
had his own work to do and it was obstructing from making my final stay in
Bangalore a memorable one. However, it went decent. He was planning to go to
his original home, Manipur to meet his parents who he didn’t see for last 10
years. I was moved and touched by his story. Yet when he shared all his sorrow
or plans one night in the football field I had no emotions to pour. My emotions
were dull and I felt uncomfortable for being that way. Yet I commanded my brain
to throw few comforting lines. He wanted to write his Grandma’s story because
his grandma wants him to do before sun sets for her forever. So, he was
preparing for this journey back home to Manipur.
On
the 18th January I travelled back all alone. I had friend to
accompany me during previous vacations. I travelled with azhim Sonam Deki
Retty, only Bhutanese who was studying in 5th year in middle
trimester of my first year. I felt safe and secure in her presence since she
has lots of experience of travelling by plane. Another time I travelled with
Karma Pem Dema, 1st year students from Bhutan. She also dropped NLS
due to her personal reasons. Both of them were kind in nature, friendly and
supportive to me and I really needed support since fear and doubt clouded my
mind most of the time. Karma however stayed very short at NLS to enjoy her
company but Sonam had always helped me whenever we met and I was in need. She
landed us some bucks when my uncle and I were left in lurch as my ATM card got
stuck. All phenomena are interdependent and her presence and helping right on
day of meeting was indicative of instances of her help later in life. She
helped me book ticket and drop me to Thimphu. While returning back too she was
always there to make my journey safe, secure and comfortable. She is talkative
but I have always found truth in whatever she spoke, she makes others feel
comfortable in her presence. She still calls me to keep update of my doing in
life. I am eternally thankful to her. She finished law school in 2015, June
month. I was obliged to travel alone when I returned back. When I returned all
alone I was scared, tensed and worried. Thank god, all went well, all was well.
I opened my eyes and mouth in being extra careful and vigilant. Hence, it is
always important to do or know things on your own even if there are friends
doing for you.
When
I was travelling back to Bhutan at Bangalore airport, I followed wrong counter
and I was directed to right one. I asked and followed people; I kept my eyes on
them and my journey proved successful. I halted one night at Kolkota airport
since I have next flight, Druk Air, at 9:00 am next morning, 19th
January 2015. Indigo took two hours from Bangalore to Kolkata and Drukair took
an hour to reach Paro from Kolkota. Kolkata, Subash Chandra National airport
and Bangalore International Airport are both re-built and it was done within a
year itself. It looked different comparing to previous visit (2014 Jan).
First
point at airport was check-in- point where they validate your ticket. Then they
give you boarding ticket with seat number and flight number. Then they weigh
your luggage to see if it is as exact or below prescribed ceiling. Indigo allows
15 kg at maximum and my bag was just fine and 15 kg point something. Then we go
for scanning ourselves and hand bag in line. Stuffs that are prohibited as
written on notice board can’t be taken.
They strictly follow rules. After they scan your hand bag, which is to
be taken along with you in plane, you get to scan your body. Then you get
boarding ticket. Finally you get to rest on chair in respective waiting point
numbered 1-20 or more depending on size of plane. There are shops and
restaurants to keep your boredom and hunger away. You wait there sat on chair
or standing depending on availability of chair until voice from microphone
announces it’s your time and flight. After hearing your flight number and time
you pass through the exit point and security personnel makes a last check to
see if you have ticket or not. Then you land in airport and you search your
seat inside. However if your waiting point is down stair (lower floor) as soon
as you pass exit, a bus comes to take all passengers to the doorstep of
Airplane. It drops right next to stairway of plane. Then you get into plan,
check your seat and relax. You need ID or passport of country when validating
ticket. First of all, cops would check your ticket and ID to let you step
inside the plane from outside. While it is safe and comfortable to travel by
flight the journey was not engaging. We have to let pass long hours of silence
doing nothing. So it would be good either to sleep, listen to music or read a
book to make your trip feel short. Staying without doing anything is very
tough. Same step is followed while returning back to India. You, however, need
to go for immigration section for registration. Next remaining step for going
to Bhutan from India is we need to fill lots of form unlike travelling within
India since it is an international travel.
CHAPTER 14
IN BHUTAN
I
was
at Thimphu on 19th Jan, 2015. I visited office of Royal Law Project
(organizer who sent me at NLS) to discuss about my prospect after few days. I
was told to meet them. I went with lots of hope thinking it would come as
success. I was welcomed with simile, handshake and cup of tea by kind hearted
Director of Royal Law Project, Taba. Pema Wangchuk sir had left to upgrade his
study and I was asked to meet director in his absence. Through P.A I bowed and
met with director. He told me to stay strong and be mindful after having said
chances of my going back is very less. White & Case would never listen wash
what they said. He reached to me that he and some of staffs of RLP had tough
time arguing with White & Case with respect to refund I was supposed to
make. They spared reimbursement but what remained as balance, I was supposed to
give back to RLP and I did. However, I didn’t fail in all subjects. I passed 8
courses and failed in 4 in my second year excluding two carryover of first
year. Hence, tuition fees will be lesser than those taking all the courses. Yet
other fees such as hostel, library, mess, laptop, wifi, gym, etc. remained
same. I had to pay hundred and twenty thousand. Sponsor gave full amount in the
beginning when it was time to pay fees. Had they known of my failure earlier
they might have not given. But results did not come until 2-3 weeks prior to
next trimester’s commencement. It takes long time before results and promotion
list come to the notice of students. Hence I cannot take on the blame fully for
not making sponsor aware of my status beforehand either.
Director
told me to search and seek for another sponsor. I might have gone to him around
5 to 6 times but all those visits didn’t and could not send me back to college.
He was very frank, kind hearted, caring and admirable individual but he could
not help since it was huge amount to fund. He had been teacher and teacher
definitely does understand problems of intelligent deficient students and children
of humbled background. He spoke softly in audible tone. He made himself very
clear. One instance he gave me 500 Nu from his own pocket to use it as taxi/bus
fare. He had empathy and I appreciated and felt humbled totally. I am grateful
for him even to this day. After all money was big issue in Thimphu. I took
transportation while I made visits and while coming back home I exercised
luxury of legs. Walking back was both saving money and boredom at home. I would
sing loudly on the way whenever vehicles are absent and even utter good lines
or quotes to console myself. The line, “The world ain’t all sunshine and
rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are.
It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya
hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you
can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know
what you are worth then go out and get what you are worth. But ya gotta be
willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you
wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Coward do that and that ain’t you.
You are better than that!” was my comforting line. I heard
and learned about this when I was at college. It was recommended by Lalcha. I
found it powerful then and there. It was line from the movie Rocky Balbao III.
The
director guided me as to what should I do next. I was told to do things on my
own as he guides. He made it clear that he would only render advice, support
and assistance and all the follow ups had to be done on my own. I took it
positive by realizing Bhutanese proverb “it’s better to show them how to do
than you doing it.” He directed me to visit office of Gyalpoi Zimpoen, Tashi
Chodzong who might be able to help. I went directly to Zimpoen Wogma (assistant
chamberlain) without any authorization through personal assistant since his PA
was not in the chamber. I discussed my problem with him, I am not sure of his
name, but all I could say was he was truly blessed individual. He listens
tenderly and talks clearly as if he will earn something. Perhaps his honorable
discerned that he loses nothing by being kind. He clarified that they cannot
help as they only help financially backwards and capable students. Then he
suggested me to request director to plead once again to White & Case. I
can’t even change law school which costs lesser than expensive NLS. For that I
need to confirm a seat and acceptance. Besides, syllabuses are different and
chances are very minimal. I reached his words to director.
Director
then told me to go once again to Chamberlain’s office but with different
request this time. He wanted me to let Zimpoen authorize college of Bhutanese
(RUB) to allow me to do re-online despite missing deadline. Last date of
submission of document by old students of 12 passed out in order to try
applying to various college/institute of Bhutan was on 30th January,
2015. I came to know of deadline on 18th Feb and it was late by
fortnight already. Even if I had known in time I didn’t have all the documents
with me. Equally, I didn’t yet confirm drop out from NLS. In case even if drop
out consent was acquired, it would at least take 3 days or more. Thus I went to
zimpoen office to authorize RUB to allow me to do re-online as I have missed
the deadline.
I
also made a visit to Yeshi Dorji sir twice to consult his advice. He advised me
to quit law school as I had no sponsor and he saw no hope in finding sponsor to
send me back to NLSIU. Interestingly, he brought to my notice that my strength
was in science and not in Arts. He said I have problem in language. Therefore
he suggested me go to CNR for BSc. Sustainable Development by applying for
online admission once again. He genuinely told it wasn’t wrong time for me to
join and change my decision. Was science my strength? I thought “yes”
instantaneously when he told me. I felt comforted to quit law school and give a
try to study in-country at CNR. I took the thought to director. However at
hindsight and with contemplation I was stuck with my strength in Science as a
stream from 11th standards. I didn’t have Arts and Commerce. Should
science ultimately and definitely be my strength or weakness?
Next
time when director sent me to Zimpoen for second time, I encountered Yeshi
Dorji sir in between. He saw no chance of kidu from His Majesty whereas
Director had feeling that King’s Kasho (royal decree) will override/prevail
over laws or rules. RUB rules didn’t allow a candidate who withdrew scholarship
to try a second chance. Since, I gave up BSc. Sustainable Development course
scholarship during admission time in 2012 I felt I might have been blacklisted.
So, I thought I will be disqualified. I personally went to RUB to clarify on
this. They said if person gives up the course offered he or she won’t get
second chance. Even they told the same thing to director through telephone
(director sir asked in my presence). I asked and requested one of the staffs
working at RUB to check if my name was there in withdrawn scholarship list to
see if I can do re-online next year 2016. He said it should be there and he
didn’t check. Another staff checked and he could not find while searching. He
however wanted to confirm with another sir. That another sir didn’t bother to
check despite my request. He was very firm on his words. He doesn’t even bother
to look at my face properly. I felt indignant and angry internally yet I didn’t
spoil my self-discipline where ever I go and stay. They might have been busy
yet they could at least communicate well to the client. I was asking nothing
more than the information and it was as if I went there to ask for his kidney.
As
RUB staff said once a person withdraws scholarship offer he or she will be
blacklisted. So, to solve that issue I again went to Gyalpoi Zimpoen office to
file application. I met Yeshi Dorji while I was in the process of finding a
place for my application to rest. He took it from my hand, read my hand written
application and he said he will discuss it with Zimpoen. I saw him and Zimpoen
talk outside office in the sun. Yeshi sir’s opinion was since I got a chance
already I should not get second chance when others didn’t even get a first
chance. This message hit my heart heavy and sharp. The tear pooled inside my
eyes as I found it emotional. It won’t be fair. Even personally I felt his
words had bitter truth. Nonetheless, what I ask on the other hand wasn’t a
scholarship but a permission to be able to do re-online that year, 2015. He
told me to do re-online earlier and he was saying different and opposite stuff
to me this time. My intellect could not understand anything at all. Contradictory
words are hard to digest and believe. I was actually asking only permission but
not scholarship, my marks would do the job if permission was granted. My marks
deserve to get in-country College but I was late for that year since I couldn’t
submit documents on 30th of January, 2015. Hence I wanted Kidu to be
able to do re-online this year 2015 notwithstanding violation of set deadline.
Though I was student who withdrew scholarship at CNR I didn’t occupy seat at
constituent college of RUB. Hence my withdrawal should not have affected
anything at all. Besides, I have cancelled through phone and no bond was
signed. Nor was I made aware when person from CNR agreed my withdrawal of seat
at CNR. In fact I rather gave a seat for someone. If I had gone to CNR, signed
a bond and then withdrawn my study it would have been different issue.
Scholarship I acquired on the other hand at NLS was of institute (BNLI) and I
don’t think it is constituent institute of RUB. I didn’t affect anyone. Hence
when I do re-online I should be able to get a seat and chance as it’s like
acquiring a chance once. I didn’t go to constituent college of RUB after I
withdrew CNR scholarship. I personally felt I should be exonerated from the bar
set by RUB or there should be amendment to such bar. Yeshi sir told me Zimpoen
was saying I can’t have a chance twice.
At
last Yeshi Dorji sir told me to go to Ashi since he found out I can’t get kidu
after asking zimpoen. He told Ashi (HRH Princess Sonam Dechen Wangchuk) can be
able to help. So I went home (uncle’s place) to prepare the next day to have
audience with HRH Ashi. I wanted to do re-online this year, 2015 anyhow because
I felt 1 year is long enough to waste time and resources. Life’s short and I
have many heads and eyes from my family looking for me to do something and
their expectations had been very huge since none of elders (3 sisters) could
successfully study and get a job. Their expectations are shattered as much as
my dreams and interest in law went in vain. My failure, discontinued
scholarship and disability to do re-online might have made my disabled father
literally mad. He has been kind outside, though. He understood me and I told
them I studied hard and expectation of college was high. They seemed to stay
normal. I don’t know, perhaps they didn’t want to bother and trouble already
troubled and depressed guy.
Before
I had an audience with HRH Ashi I had to wait in PA’s office. PA already knew
about my matter even if I didn’t have a single conversation with him. Yeshi sir
might have already told about me and my problem. Someone was in audience with Ashi before me.
It took almost an hour for my turn to come. Finally I was escorted to Ashi’s
chamber. I did chagllen and described my problems in details with Ashi.
I was literally scared that Ashi would scold for I failed and brought
everyone’s expectations down. However it didn’t happen. Ashi was normal and
understanding. She did ask about why I failed, my problems at law school and my
stay at Thimphu. I had language problem was my answer to why I failed. Ashi
advised we must read books besides academic book to improve our English. Very
profound words HRH spoke was we must work hard not only for study but in
whatever we do in life. That meant lot to me and I value it always. She said
she will discuss my problem with the Director. Ashi was bit upset by my fewer
visits to BNLI and RLP during my vacation. She told I should have come
frequently, explored and sought consultation with staffs of RLP and BNLI which
contains hosts of individuals who studied law. I visited only once whenever I
was on vacation in Bhutan.
My
parents had phone me time and again after I reached Thimphu. I got to visit
many places for my own sake for seeking scholarship sponsorship to continue
law, trying in-country College and seek a job. They were worried about my
future. I updated them with what I was up to and where I was. After few days of
meeting Ashi I went to Director to see what resolution was taken between Ashi
and Director. Director told me Ashi was concerned about me and she wanted
Director to do whatever he can to help me. He told me they came to 3
resolutions:
1. Try
different law colleges but from 2nd year
2. Repeat
class 12
3. Change
course and study in India.
Change law school or course should not be my option
since both would need sponsorship given inability on the parts of my parent.
Hence I quitted those two options and I mentally thought to repeat class 12 and
acquire a chance to study in college/institute of Bhutan.
Before
I discussed about studying class 12 again with parents, I have tried to apply
to RTC for tuition waiver scholarship. Still then it comes to 106000 if I have
to choose to remain in quadruple room. If I pay this much it is as same as
going to college of India. Money was what my parents had always fallen short. I
had discussed with parents about taking loan form NPPF but that idea scared
them. They are doubtful of whether I will be in position to repay back on time
later. Since they didn’t consent and assent to my plea and idea, I didn’t want
to upset and go against their will. To parents, I at least tried to listen and
dance to their tune. I simply love them to hurt them. I also tried getting
financial assistance from director but that also didn’t work since amount that
I talk was huge amount and director could afford only 50,000 a year. I actually
wanted to say, “I want director to help me fund fully or if not half to be able
to study at RTC. However I could not discuss further when director told me one
lakh is huge amount to be able to help. I made my U-turn home. My downloaded
filled out form for scholarship to study at RTC got wasted and useless.
My
parents finally directed me to repeat class 12 again so that I can study in
colleges of Bhutan next year. For this year, rule of RUB would not allow me for
I withdrew CNR scholarship once. I prepared my journey on the eve of leaving to
Paro. I wanted to stay at a high school and classmate friend Kinzang Wangdi’s
home when I reached at Paro. After I phone and confirmed my stay with Kinzang
on the previous day, my journey started from around 3:30 pm next day and we
reached Paro at around 5 pm. He goes to class till 4 pm at Paro College of
Education. My phone call disturbed him in the class was what he said later when
he came to fetch me to his home. He was having HPE (health and physical
exercise) class making him fixed at college till 5 pm. He however didn’t mind
at all.
Kinzang
and I took my belonging to his home. Paro was such a wide valley and I could
have not known anything in case if he wasn’t there. Thanks to him I was able to
go to Tenzin Higher Secondary school to enquire about admission. It costs 70,
000 to be a boarding student. My parents gave me 47, 000 for fees and it was
for 1st installment of first half of academic year. Fees can be paid
in 2 terms. 12000 was pocket money which I may have to use it for buying
mattress, pillow, clothes, dress, shoes, plates, mugs, bucket, sickle, books
and necessary items. I didn’t have to buy all of these however.
Kinzang
Wangdi was shocked to hear about my misfortune at his home. He thought I came
to him for meet and hang out since we didn’t meet for last 3 years since 2011,
12th standards at PHSS. I told about my scholarship cancellation and
waiting to study 12th grade again. I told him I was disqualified to
participate in online application. He directly told me to ask for a terms.
There should be a term till which I will remain as disqualified and after that
I should be able to participate in re-online application to study in
college/institute of RUB. I can never have a second chance for applying for
abroad. My door to study outside the country was closed. The rules are for all
the students of Bhutan. We only get one fresh chance as a fresher. After
Kinzang reminded of the term I phoned my younger uncle to go and visit RUB
office and enquire about term. He did it the next day.
Nearly
I paid half of the fee (35000) to Tenzin HSS which once paid is non-refundable
under any sort of circumstances. I paid 350 Ngultrum for registration form.
They wanted me to come with fees the next day. Tenzin HSS received a circular
from MOE stating any schools in Bhutan should not entertain those who passed 12th
standards to study again if gap is more than a year. If gap is 2 years, we can
avail continuous education but not regular. In my case I passed 12 in 2011. I
can only repeat in 2012, not later than 2012. Admission Committee scanned
through my original mark sheet of 10 and 12. They are surprised to see my good
result. They asked me why I was repeating despite good marks. I told them all
my problems. They apprised me about circular sent by MOE and if any mishaps
occur later like Ministry coming to know about me I should not blame Tenzin
HSS. I was told that I should bear risk on my own. I agreed after they
comforted me that chance is very minimal for misfortune to strike. I promised I
will report to school the next day.
My
parents told me, “There too, there is a problem. They would say anything. They
just want money”. I however told them I am going to study because I have no
other choices. God didn’t stop blessing me there also. Before I actually report
to college and did shopping, my uncle who went to RUB clarified me that it is
pointless repeating 12 and there is no clause stating cooling period for me to
be able to try again for scholarship after withdrawing first opportunity. If I
am disqualified repeating doesn’t make any sense since I will bear same ID and
I will be that same person was what he was told. On the other hand, I can avail
service of online with No-objection letter. I was glad and thankful to god and
my uncle. Equally, I was angry for how I was treated. Why didn’t RUB concerned
staff say that I am qualified if I have no-objection letter from my sponsor?
Why did he tell to my uncle but not me? On what basis was difference made? I
didn’t understand then and I still look down upon myself and my fate. There
wasn’t any reason for me to waste time unnecessarily in preparing for repeat. I
could have already been to my parents at Autsho, Lhuntse. It was more than a
year that I didn’t see my parents because I had tasks to complete and fulfill
which cannot be done from Autsho. I needed to stay at Thimphu. You know how
much I missed home. Nowhere is home for me, be it village or anywhere unless my
parents stay. Place where mother and father dwell is home for me.
I
stayed at Paro at Kinzang’s home for 3 days. They had been good host to me.
They never left me hungry and bored. I visited the college and watched football
played by future teachers. I visited Kinzang’s friend’s home where I was served
with tea and snacks. Even at hostel of Paro College of Education I had tea with
my friend and classmate Sonam Wangchuk. Kinzang and rest of students other than
first years were day student. Kinzang stayed in traditional Bhutanese house and
paid 1200 as a rent. There were two rooms. It’s quite a good and spacious for
student. Paro was chilly and windy after midday. There were lots of building,
schools, resort, sacred sites and shops.
On
Saturday, 28th February I returned to Thimphu accompanied by Kinzang
and his wife. He told me he met her before two years. She repeated 12 Commerce
at Yoezerling but her marks were not up to the marks for re-online. Hence she
stayed helping Kinzang in preparing meals, washing clothes and doing dishes.
They came to Thimphu to attend big annual national Rimdo held at Pangri Zampa.
I also attended there with offering and cash the very next day, Sunday. Two of
them visited on that day itself. Kinzang was so shy and hesitant that he didn’t
accept an offer of even a cup of tea at my uncle’s house. He didn’t even make
an effort enter inside, let alone have a meals and chat.
At
Thimphu I had made frequent visit to internet cafe and visited different
websites to ensure I didn’t miss any scholarship opportunities and jobs. I
visited so frequent that I kind of felt hesitant to visit time and again in
same internet cafe. I almost knew every internet cafe shop then. Once, RTC-YDF
need based scholarship was announced in which I participated. It needed gup’s
sign, recommendation letters, parent’s details and sibling’s details. However I
also didn’t qualify there owing to crossing age limit. I was 25 and only those
with age 22 and below can apply. However, that official had taken my documents
saying that he will put it up once and see. After that I decided that I will do
re-online next year and I will not go anywhere until then than to sit and
breathe comfortably.
However, I had to rethink my
decision later when my eyes saw job opportunity. I felt a need to do temporary
job till I try re-online next year. Job is for the post of sales executive at
Paro for 6 months. My parents did not want me to go since I had nothing with
me. I needed to buy everything including house rent. I gave that up. After that
vacancy for the post of Project Assistant for 12 passed out was announced by
Cabin Secretary in Kuensel. My friend Ugyen Lhendup reached this news to me and
I applied. Job was for one year contract. There was 30 % contract allowance and
salary was attractive. I wanted to join that instead of remaining idle since it
will provide experience and money. I was shortlisted and ranked first.
Interview was to be held on 24th April. Six candidates were
shortlisted. There were only 4 at interview, though. Of which one had to leave
since his mom got admitted to hospital leaving only three of us. He dropped
from college like me. Two others were graduates. I was called first. I went
inside and gave interviews. I wasn’t nervous even a bit because I thought I can
be selected if I am of deserving anyway, otherwise not. Panelists laughed
sometimes when I told them I don’t know answers. I even didn’t know full form
of G2C. Post is for G2C Project Assistant. Idea of having to prepare for the
post didn’t even strike in my mind. On
the previous night I read and practiced only Excel, Microsoft and Power point
and forgot to do basic research as I gave more focus on IT skills as it was one
of the requirements. I laughed at myself later to reply I gave. One of them
even said, “You came here without any preparation and you are not concerned
even if you are selected or deselected.” Wittily I replied, “I came here with
less or no preparation thinking that I will start to prepare seriously once I
get selected.” All of them laughed and I enjoyed the interview as I sensed tons
of confidence and absence of fear in myself.
One
reason for my fearlessness was because I had another option, i.e. waiting for
RTC-YDF need based scholarship shortlist which I have applied for. If I got
selected in interview of Project Assistant job, I would miss scholarship to
study at RTC. Scholarship was for financially backward students having scored
55 percent and above. There were two seats, one for male and one for female.
Scholarship is for 3 years and it was full scholarship. However I was not
shortlisted in YDF-RTC scholarship. Though I crossed limit for YDF-RTC need
based scholarship I had hope. In interview for the Project Assistant, panelists
apprised me that though the post is for one year, contract should extend till 3
years; one year is a probation period. They asked me if I will be available
after one year. I told them I will have to join and go to college. They
understood I won’t be available and I understood there and then I wasn’t
selected. However, they appreciated and verbally applauded my attitude towards
completing degree and education.
In
the process of waiting for re-online next year, 2016 result of 5th
semester of NLSIU came. Back at NLSIU in 5th trimester I had Family
Law-I repeat and I performed exam. As result came I checked if I passed or not.
“Failed” was the remark despite being a repeater and having only one subject
(course) to study in entire 3 month (trimester). I was overthrown, confused,
frustrated and sad, all at the same time. Deep inside I felt intensely sulked at
myself thinking my fortune was exhausted to study further and I wanted to
permanently find a job that will feed me and aid my survival, doesn’t matter
how small it may be.
But
as of now I am thinking and under illusion that I should at least have a degree
before I acquire a job. Many graduates still wander at Thimphu searching for
job going through lots of interview, application and depression. I pretty much
know how it feels to have fed by others. Everyone enjoys independence. No one
would want to dance to the tune of others whims and fancies. Addition of age
adds our sensitivity to small stuff aggravating our inability to keep our asses
fixed at other’s home, be it relatives’ or siblings’. I know they will never have
such thoughts on us yet it is always great to have all the things under our own
control. You want to live life of your own and you want to go wherever you like
and pursue happiness but for that I need to find a place to settle and it is
going to be still many miles away and ahead for me to get to that point. Let my
patience take me to what will keep my body and soul together, at least to
barest minimum level.
Sometimes,
feeling desperate for job does fight against my patience. But small job
perhaps, would not be in a position to repay the loans of kindness,
hospitality, money, care, advice, love and help provided by various people.
Small job will suffice me, though. What about my marriage, kid and parents?
Hence degree is what I chose since it will pay higher salary than going for job
right away. Also there is no guarantee to getting job with 12 results.
Finally
under many stress, tensions, worries and depression I made my mind to stay at
Tsirang, thinking nothing else until next year. I want to relax, refresh and
energize myself for next battle of choice the next year. Diversified roads are
roads that kept me alive till now but with some insights, effect and impact
left behind. I have drawn lessons in life. There were many instances where my
diversified path became further diversified inside my head.
CHAPTER 15
MY WEAKNESSES AND HOPE
When there were too much of
diversification I sometimes stimulated and depressed myself by use of stimulants
and depressants giving me temporary relief. It wasn’t totally bad. When I am
back to sense there used to be fresh mind with forgotten troubles and
repentance at times. However I can never be an addict. I believe use of it once
in a blue moon can be helpful to our body. Substance invited me and befriended
me in times of boredom, loneliness and sadness at law school but not before my
failure and hearing of bad news i.e. sponsorship cancellation. I had lots of
free times after I failed and repeated 2nd year. 5th
trimester was repeating year. I had only one subject to clear. I had lots of
free hours. I had two hours of classes a day, three days in a week and rest
were all free. I knew I cannot attend 6th trimester. Hence I was
involved in substance. Weed was what I used and I found it very pleasant and
pleasurable. It kills time. It makes you hungry and thin, though. I did it five
to six times with one of the repeaters of 4th year guy. He would ask
me to come to his room for it whenever I wanted and feel like.
One
day I was advised by my close friend, Deepanker to not do it. He had heard from
someone else about my involvement in substance. He advised me so nicely and
politely to an extent which made me never to touch it again except one time
during HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2015. In New Year 5th years sponsor it since
they won’t be back to celebrate another time. When there are many people
gathered, I always sort of get nervous, shy, bored, uneasy and blank. Hence I
used weed to boost my courage and confidence. I have always drunk liquor,
especially cocktail to make a party worthy one. I had lost my conscience on two
occasions where friends helped me get to bed and walk out of bus. My feelings
are not scientifically proven with respect to usage of alcohol and weed. Youth
should not get inspired if you agree to my feelings or even if you feel like
experiencing after reading my novel as a curious novice. There are more
negative side effects than benefits. My shyness and weak mental faculty in
terms of emotional intelligence still is present as fresh as I was and those
substances did not remove it. It would rather make us addictive and dependent
on it if we take it as friend. Thus, our focus should be to understand self and
solve it for development on day to day basis. I am still battling this and lots
have improved over the time. It recurs at times yet more days are filled with
positivity in comparison to those olden days.
Another
bad thing about me is I am concerned with making all happy and fear hurting
others which often land up hurting me. Back then I didn’t argue much with
friends except Lalcha and for him I was like King. I would do anything to make
myself win. He was a punching bag. Bad thing is sometimes I would behave
differently in public or crowd but speak and think different in room. I would
find hard to say, “NO” and it hurts me sometimes. Friends would say I am so
diplomatic when I don’t lie on either side when I am made to right the
situation. Since I don’t hurt and try to make others comfortable before myself
my friends sometimes say I am like “Buddha”. “Please don’t show your Buddha
nature here, it may work in Bhutan but not here”. Whenever there are instances
of needing people to wait to avail service I would land up being in at last. I
would wait till all availed but not out of my choice. My meekness, anxiety and
shyness kept me last and sometimes I internally feel frustrated for my own
stupid mistake and weaknesses.
In
first year at law school, year passed by so fast and I found nothing that is
bothering me but starting from 2nd year I started feeling left out.
I could not talk to classmates than just giving smile. I talked very slow and
soft that people sometimes don’t answer when I ask something. Perhaps they
didn’t hear. I may have seated with different friends on same/different bench
my mouth remained closed but brain wondering if I should say something. My
brain wanted me to be social. People rush to sit in the front in the class. I
choose front seat because I find it difficult to see clearly and hear audibly
from the back bench. I sit in front but talk and participate nil in the class.
I would give full attention and response through gesture, though. At times
because of too much hours spent at desk reading up something for class or
project, I feel so tired and my back aches too much that it puts me to sleep in
the class. Even during boring lecture, I doze. My friends would say, “Tashi how
could you manage to sit right in the front and sleep?’’
Inside
class I would say, generally 50 percent of pupils would listen to what
professor had to teach while rest would either comfortably snore or play mobile
phones or chat among themselves. Intensity is more when class is occupied by
voice of boring and lenient Professor and the boring subject. People stay awake
till 3 or 4 am and come to class with hew hours of sleep making up in the
class. Some professor would not mind; they carry with their own business of
teaching and completing syllabus, others will throw you out of class or make
you wash your face and come back. Coffee or tea during the break also worked
out in doing away with sleepiness.
As
class starts from 8:50 a.m having slept late they would come to class late.
Sometimes they would not even wash their faces. They make their sleep through
afternoon nap starting from. People would sleep for two or three hour and they
would wake up and do something thereafter. I have tried and secretly wanted to
make myself morning person, sleep at 12 am or 1 am and get up at 6 or 7 am but
it always failed because I was habituated sleeping at around 1;30-3;00 am and
waking up at 8 am or 8;30 am. I had missed class only few times and I could
make to class most of the time. I used to attain almost every conference and
guest lecture that would demand our attendance compulsorily. VC would come in
class and he would say as usual, “attendance is compulsory.” Likewise I
attained or watched songs and dances going on in campus during functions.
People would however write names of their absentee friend as present when
attendance register is passed over. Sometimes I remain back to hostel when all
others go depending on my mood. I would find it bit awkward to go in absence of
my close friend. Internet has aided me in most of the time, good or bad ones in
ensuring I am distracted and alive. Hence when connection got problematic
sometimes due to power shut down or other reasons, I used to feel something is
absent and empty.
There
used to be games competition within students of NLS to break monotony of
college. I participated in all. Football, volleyball and basketball; I was an
extra player, though. Weird thing is not being fully aware of rules of game
made me not so confident to play. I wasn’t sport guy before. I don’t follow any
sort of games anywhere. I only watch real/live match when I have no other
important business to do.
In
short college life at NLSIU, Bangalore was whole lot of fun and I miss it. I
realize that it is not only place but people and environment that make a place
beautiful. I don’t think I would love a place once my friends (batch of 2017)
leave NLS. I would have no one to hang around with even if I got a chance to
visit there again. But I surely would enjoy if even one of my batch mates
especially good friends is there to hang around talking and trying to remember
and narrate our life there once upon a time. We would compare present and past
look of college. We may meet, talk and share our experiences with those
studying there.
After
I reached back to Bhutan and lived a resumed life in Bhutan which I once lived
before uninterrupted, I realize that I still am that shy, quiet and an
emotional person that I was back at law school. I have not changed. I have same
attitude to life. I have learned lot of knowledge about law and life in India,
though. That same feeling of boredom and loneliness still creep in me
sometimes. Nevertheless I am trying to take it positively and come to terms
with it. I don’t want to surrender my life in their hands. Thus being social
and making new friends in new area is very important in life. We should do
something else that would travel through time and space reducing and neglecting
room for boredom and loneliness. Loneliness and boredom also travel through
time, though. However being social and interactive doesn’t solve the problem
entirely because we can never be with others all the time. If we can’t be with
others all our time, surely there should be room for boredom or loneliness
created by their absence or hangover of staying with them. I, myself don’t feel
the change (I might have without realizing, may be) but I feel I should be
strong and independent man. I thus want to not shower my tears in public or I
should cry as minimum as possible and calm myself that I should lead my life
happily and strongly. Still, I am not an independent and strong as a man. I
have to improve. I find hanging and being with adults difficult. Silence creeps
in me whenever I am with adults but when I am with kids I feel so comfortable
to open myself up. I share what I know, feel and think to them.
From Tsirang I travelled to Autsho
when my father was ill. I felt I stayed at Tsirang long and I had minds to go
to home and sickness of father had driven me home. I was accompanied by sister
and her youngest son. I had a bunch of kids and children who hang around with
me at Autsho. We used to play tiger five, king ball (two opposing team play
against each other. One would try to throw the ball and fell the built stone
piles. There would be 7 stones stacked one onto other. Once we fell all or some
team that fallen stone pile must be stacked again before all the players get
hit by the ball thrown by opposite team one by one. In case if opposing team
hit you with ball you are out of game) and go for swimming. When I worked in
place of mother, they do help me out in finishing the work fast. We would watch
wrestling (WWE) and movies together.
At
home sometimes I felt, what people think of me. I wanted to hide in comfort of
home as I feared what people ask. For them I am still studying in India.
Unfamiliar people call me “SIR” wherever I go and on the other hand I am
playing with those kids jobless. I didn’t complete my study and don’t have job
to be called “Sir”. I really felt awkward when they call me the title
especially by ones who have job. I would have surprising answer for them if
they ask what job I do. When they ask I used to say I am a student.
I
had tough time initially sharing about my failure and discontinuance of study
at NLS to people. Whenever questions like, what do you do? Where do you study?
When are you completing your studies? When are you going back to college? I
used to think those people are integrator. But gradually with time and effort I
sort of felt comfortable to share the truths. Initially I used to say I still
study at NLS. Later I told them I quitted law school and I am opting to study
again next year, 2016. They would ask why. I tell them my answers. I have even
escaped meet and potential meet with people to avoid interaction and
conversation that I don’t want to share. “Time can heal the pain” is really
true. I am very comfortable now to share about my failure, sponsorship
withdrawal and opting for other options. People and friends have sympathized my
problem and inability to continue further. They however are supportive of my
view to try different option in 2016. They comforted me and I came to know that
Bhutanese have value of empathy as people have been saying. “All will go well.
You are still young. Even those in job are continuing their study. You can do
better this time, in-coutry.” says Phuntsho Chophel a friend and one year
senior of mine at high school. Only with sharing truth did load that I was
carrying so heavily on my back and mind seem to have lightened up. I could also
find little bit of confidence in myself as I could share to more. However,
there were some pressure to answer when asked or details dug at times. Our mind
is so unpredictable and moody.
I
also feel the same as comforted by Phuntsho but I still have to wait for the
truth. Firstly god must ensure I have done re-online application for admission
in colleges of Bhutan. Rest would be gone good. I will work my ass off to the
best of my ability. I will leave rest to god and karma. God and karma alone
shall decide how I walk diversified roads in this life and many lives to come
in future. This is truth of life of mine, as I saw through my own spectacle
which might not stand rigid and firm since nothing in this world is permanent
including the pain you experience. Yet we cannot live idle and crying without
moving forward in life by thinking of futility and ephemeral nature of life. We
need to live, help oneself, others and make life worth living for. Alas
everything is but drama.
Since the road I walked had been
diversified since class 9, I have always found more than 2 options popping up
in front of me. Even before I take a job God or my KARMA wanted me or saw a
need for me to still travel diversified roads and walk on. I have walked with
no choices sometimes but I chose most of the time, decisively or with doubts in
mind. I still don’t know if I will not have to walk diversified path because I
have definitely element of choice next year when I have to try in-country
scholarship with 12 passed students of 2015. I will have to compete with them,
especially with Bio-Science students in acquiring a seat in college of Bhutan.
I am sure I will have around 10 options or more. I had 16 options when I first
applied for college or institutes of Bhutan in 2012. I have still not decided
where to go. Yet I have reduced choices, BA Political Science and Sociology,
B.Ed general, B.Ed Bio Chemistry, BSc Sustainable Development and BA Dzongkha
and English. You see the roads are still diversified. I will have to choose one
firmly, strongly and single mindedly.
Having
to walk different and many ways doesn’t matter to me since each way has its own
experience to offer. I feel I have walked quite enough of diversified roads and
I am hoping that I have now fewer and less diversified roads left. On the
contrary, I don’t have control and I simply must and will be abided by roads
shown to me by my choice, my god and the TRUTH of life.
copyright@2019 Tashi Dorji All right reserved
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