LOVE IS HARD TO COMPREHEND

 (To save boredom to those who are bored of staying at home or in Quarantine)

I am almost three decades old on this earth yet I still fail to comprehend even a little about what this so called love is. I have seen it in movies and pages of books yet in real I failed to see, perhaps due to my own faults in looking at it. I have remained apathetic for almost last five or six months and when small good things happen with the person who you consider as your crush and love, heart pumps abnormally with full of adrenaline drops. With sharing of a little good time with her, a vague feeling hanging in the air begins to form into shadow and drawings of reality yet it never gets concretized into so called reality since the distance seem to consume everything. When I first saw her, it was in 2019 through short online conversation towards ending 2018, in the fall of snow. However online chats are never strong or sure thing to get closer since lots of doubts creeps and energies are channeled in  wrong way to deal with those insecurities, jealousy and misunderstanding. The content and length of message drops down the more we chat. It is always mistake to consider good and lengthy conversation as a sign of love from the other end of messenger.

When I first saw her the time for my stay at college was almost getting over. Being a student who studied a little about Buddhism and Buddhist philosophies I perceived our meet as a product of Karma. She appeared way too beautiful to let go from my feeling or normal ignoring brain. She hooked me in the brain and I started chatting with her. I sensed she was chatting lengthy and happily with me. The cheerful chat I sensed, maybe I was wrong, was an indication of little sense of feelings she has to me. I have always been one of the guys who can never reach the feelings to concerned person yet pour and flood indirectly on social media. I turned good poet (at least to my own self) on account of having good sad time seeing her in rare occasion yet being present in mind. Even the classroom teachings had no place in ear and mind despite my sensitive conscience trying hard to fight against it. By then seventh chapters on mediation of “Bodhisattvas Way of Life” was taking place and the strong powerful message could not even debar me from letting my spirit loss energy by uselessly think about her with or without seeing.

Then, one night as the conversation drew she talks of her having crush on me and I felt too happy to hear and I have taken crush equivalent to love. I shared her that I too had feelings for her. The long chat that we had before deep personal feeling was shared ended so rapidly as and when the atmosphere of discomfort or awkwardness intruded in with the pouring of feelings towards one another. The heart thumped too much. I have no idea what went ahead with her but I was restless yet excited that I could not prevent thoughts popping up in head despite trying hard to sleep and thoughts in closed eyes kept me awake the whole night. There have been few other nights where I could not sleep for similar reason or for total contrasting reason. The chat thereafter was shorter, mostly confined to hi, bye and how are you. Though chats used to be lengthy, there used to be an atmosphere of silence awkwardness as we see each other in reality. Though I appear extroverted or ambiverted, is introverted and shy as her which is actually visible from the way we chat on social media in opposition to reality of life; we chat too much and fast since most thoughts remain in brain and according to Sigmund Freud those unexpressed thoughts should find channels to escape from our conscience and chatting online was one of the ways.

I have almost forgotten what has happened in-between as I try to recollect now and jot down. May be it used to give me happy pain as I used to see her with friends as their classes get called off. I could never miss stealing a peek at her. One day as we chatted, again the talk of love cropped in and all she said was that I had been her crush then and now she has no feelings for me. That night was night that my intelligent mind could not focus on single thing to deviate my thought and fall asleep. I had a companion of insomnia that night. Yet with time I tried to bring myself to normalcy since I was losing focus on study and daily happening at colleges. Besides it has been almost two weeks or more that I was not able to see her and contact her. Thankfully my responsibility as a one of the student leaders was handed to new and junior. So, I had free time but those things used to often meddle with my educated mind of focusing on study and making memories at college. However I managed to do them a little as time permitted and when mood was too strong to be affected by anything.  I asked her for walk for two or three times and she denied it outright on the account of her shyness and her lack of feelings to me. As I drink I would fiddle my fingers to search her name and chat and chat would hover around the topic of love. When I look at all these stuffs I feel nostalgic for a little sense of romance that I had which now has dwindled with age. More so with more cups of drinks of any brand as exam neared and finished calling her and crying for what she did. Though the drink could black me out my friends could never let memory slip by narrating in the next day. Although love is intense it is shameful to hear it on dry day. I miss my friends who have been so kind to me throughout my college days in taking care of me despite being some years older to them. They took care of me especially in times of passing out after heavy drink.
Cutting many short, love isn’t a simple thing. It comes in sometimes but leaves at other times depending on our mood. When one is ready the other is no. So there is whole lot of difficulty coming to terms and agreement despite too much of endurance and patience eaten up by one or both the parties. At times one feels others are better deserved for her than me yet a thought to let her go pains equally. Disturbingly you are not ready to be in relationship for some time to comprehend yourself, family and friends better for most part of life is taken by love. Yet I am not immune from falling in love again with same or the other if karma is ripened since love is too impermanent, unfathomable, volatile and indescribable. All I can wish is if I had been better person with silver spoon in mouth with strong and beautiful family as gods and goddesses may be I would fulfill one of the wishes of my parents “to have kid” before sun sets for them if they ever wished for. My heart says, it is not over yet and the other says she is right in front of your nose. Let god decide and the only the one who is altruist stays with me as I wish. However I have other stories too to complicate. Hence love is difficult to understand and more so when you make it. (lol)

PS: My writing is subject to your kind correction la; I shall never take it as offense.

MY INTERVIEW WITH BHUTAN TODAY

1. Can you give us a brief introduction of yourself, your family and education background among others.
Ans - I am Tashi Dorji from Dungkhar Chhoeling of Kilhorthang gewog, under Tsirang Dzongkhag. I did my primary from Autsho Middle Secondary School (then known as Austho Primary School), middle schooling from Tangmachu Middle Secondar School, High schooling from Lhuntse Higher Secondar School and I completed my degree from Sherubtse College, Kanglung.

2. How did you prepare for the exams?
Ans - To be honest I was really nervous for the dzongkha category since there were subjects such as Uma Jukpa, Ngyenpar zey and Choejung which we did not study at college. They scared me and when I tried to study them on my own they were quite difficult to comprehend. Many of friends were insisting me to do PGDPA yet I fixed my decision on going for Dzongkha owing to abundance of slots plus there is no competition since seats were unfilled. I grabbed opportunity to be employed than risk and compete with multiple competitors. Moreover, my interest in teaching field also was blessing in disguise as well. I studied thoroughly through each day. It was tough since it was only a month and few days left for preparation after P. E result. So I made time table dividing component subjects into number of days. For each category (Chenju, Uma, Ngyenpa zey, Choejung, Ngyengag, G.K and current affairs) I gave 3 to 4 days to study except for Shetring which got only two days for study. I revised whatever I knew strictly few days before exam. I made sure each of them are finished on time. It however did not go as planned due to blessed rainny day and tshechus. Nonetheless I made sure I studied for long hours each day before I sleep peacefully. I also kept updates of news daily. Besides, I had privilege of attending around a week of coaching session by Ugyen Thinley sir and Tashi Dorji sir at NRDCL and I attended coaching for Viva voce from them as well. When I could not finish subjects I read short notes and PDF sent in Dzongkha PGDE wechat group by seater of previous RCSE and fellow friends. I tried to mug up and comprehend as well. I focussed mostly on third paper i.e. Buddhist studies since paper 1 and 2 are to do with language, writing and general knowledge which preparing in short term can't make much difference and should be inborn as well. I also used internet and social media to get my doubts clarified from friends and teachers.

3. Were the RCSC exams competent enough? Do you feel there should Be changes? Why? Why not?
Yes, it is for me. I believe it is set after proper plan and hard work of concerned bodies. It has been running well to this day and to complain of its competency as otherwise would be undermining effort and decdication on their part so far. Nor am I an expert and authority to let feelings be made to seem as fact without any research and evidences. Personally, I feel it is alright.

4. What role did your teachers, parents  & well wishers play in your success?
Ans- Teachers are my sole contributing factor in making me strike a luck. It's through all the teachers of my life who made me how I am in addition to my own effort and luck. Especially teachers of college are so important that they have made sure whatever were taught to us in college remains with us. This in a way has aided to preparing for rcsc, especially in subject that came in RCSC paper 3. I thank my dzongkha teachers of college in general and ngengag, dumtha, khejai nedru, chenju and shetring teachers in particular. Rest of all teachers of my life too have contributed equally, notwithstanding absence of visible direct help. Parents are my inspiration in life and they are sole force that pushed me to work hard through thick and thin. They are my teacher as well. Well wishers' wishes also played huge role for I believe if all are happy luck too will be on our part. As a student of dzongkha there is no one who has no part to play in my success. Each contributed to give into full result. All are bound by causes and conditions. So I thank all of them including five natural elements that kept me alive so far without which my success could have not even come as a dream.

5. Who is your role model / inspiration? Why?
Ans - There are many. We grap little from each of them since presence of all the qualities in one is impossible. My major inspiration is my mother. She has endured enough of sufferings in life yet she maintains her stability as iron mountain. She is so strong, responsible, and competent in raising five of us and visually disabled father. HM the King and HRH Ashi Sonam Dechen Wangchuk too are my greatest inspiration in making me work hard and reasons cannot be expressed in few lines.

6. What career options do you have in your mind as of now?
Ans - As of now, I was thinking to go for teaching yet after acquiring top rank other job offers with seemingly good career prospect also come as competition to it. I am still in confusion as to choose which but I am researching and asking to others to narrow down my choice. Hopefully I will be with decision by 23rd December.

7. Tell us one secret to succeed in RCSC exams.
Ans - It feels as if I am someone extraordinary to hear this question since I still am ordinary with full of doubt as to how can I dwell and act to the expectations of people. Yet one secret thing I would suggest is study despite tensions, problems and boredom. Do not give up. Of course have faith in god. Do pray for him every day and remember him whatever you do. Breaks and deviating your time to passion too is must to energize ourselves.

8. Your advice to future candidates who may wish to sit for RCSC exams.
Ans - I wish them good luck in advance and I would suggest them to study hard. It is good if they can prepare from now on since this is digital age and one can get questions and substantially lot of information from internet. I would also request them to watching news, read history about Bhutan and keep updates of Bhutan. And if they still have doubts and confusions they may ask others who appeared RCSC and me as well. Horn your speaking skills for viva, learn languages and dielects of Bhutan or other country if possible and obtain good degree marks. With this I also console those who could not get through or who could not meet the expectations . I have deep condolences and I wish they get up strong and hit it hard the next round or in other opportunities. Most important of all, horn your math skills to crack PE. Do not ignore PE. However, don't worry and stress for time has its own story and solutions too. I bet you will do well. Good luck!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2020

Happiness achieved in human form is not like having placed to heaven with all sorts of troubles reserved at last part of life. Human have to bear mixture of whatever emotions exist and a moment of happiness is a moment stolen for a brief or fixed period of other sorts of feelings. It is "an occasional episode". All human are same. No sadness is permanent nor is happiness. All undergo their own share of difficulties and happiness. So cheers for making up through troubles of life and being ready to face it more. Happy new year to all. May it be a part of good cause for whole year and years to come. Let us receive more strength as we really need it. "Let whoever is weak and backward, let it be lifted up. Let whoever is hopeless find hope." Let all troubles be a gateway and cause for good comings of life. HAPPY NEW YEAR to all

My acceptance and apology

One must follow the path one leads,
Caused by present and past,
I am dumb and narrow minded,
Trying to think and doubt from all angles,
Pretending solving others' when I face same myself,
Work is worship and it deserves respect,
Assuming work coming before all I accept,
Close by names and trying imagination,
Far by distance and dearth of genuine warmth,
For good you did and thought,
I apologize for mistaking it as othewise,
Strength I have I shall use and you do too,
To keep lighting the "life must go on" darkness,
Keep happiness close to you,
Fallible lily stoops down to the moon,
For possesing transient companionship,
Appreciate good intention if moon had,
Shinning for long has lily live its life,
I like lily shall bow down for your hidden goodness,
Take my bad and change it like your good,
If memory as thin as paper must arise,
Use wisdom as flames to burn down to null,
My memories even if it be as everest,
I shall erase it through contemplating on emptiness,
Let us now live just the way we would have,
Even if this words are not written,
Let my word, fragmented be molded than curved,
Let it be a pill to normalcy and equanamity,
Do your best and be the partner of your dream, wishes.
May god bless you and all of us,
I shall come to terms as you already did,
Or there was nothing to accept already.
Adieu! As minutes ends I try to end my words,
Through difficulties.
Alas! I tried to look through eyes with dirts.
Now, almighty firgive me,
Your share I tried to confess if it demands one,
You may need to do it by yourself too if it must be,
For two negatives don't charge,
Apoogy if thou required not one.

Don't grow grow

Hello alas my boy, nephew
Grow not so fast quick,
Though you are trouble to mom,
You are so mischievous,
Mom and them needs a peace of mind,
Your dad is busy struggling for life,
In making riches in short time,
Your growth though is medicine,
Takes each of us near death,
You are not exceptions either,
And yourself towards cruelty of the world,
World is so rich of all,
You may get all sorts of share,
More than your maturity solving problems,
Problems of life might sick you,
Grow not so fast yet you must,
For who can command royal decree of nature,
All born must change, die and pain,
No vaccine can cure AIDS of nature,
Thus we must accept and you must grow,
Be thou one to share tears and pain,
Of the world in dreamly and one life.
Grow up through time in all senses.
I am but helpless as all are.