NGE DEMPAI MITSHEY, TRUTH OF LIFE

Acknowledgement

            At the outset I would like to thank my dear parents for bringing me up in this beautiful earth and raising me through love, care and hardships. If I were not born this beautiful world would not have lost anything without me, yet I would have definitely lost such beautiful gifts and experiences this precious earth offers. My parents are the first teachers in ensuring that I become and stand as a normal human being. I would also like to thank teachers, professors and lecturers of Autsho Primary School, Tangmachu Middle Secondary School, Lhuntse Higher Secondary School, National Law School of India University and Sherubtse College without whom I would not have been a person that I am today. Whatever little learning that I can do on my own and a little knowledge that I might in case have is not due to my hard work but thanks to their teaching, effort, support and love. I would also like to thank my friends, family members, relatives and everyone for understanding me, being with me and teaching me in each of their own way. In addition, I would like to thank the five elements of nature for constituting me and everything else in this universe that has also created condition for me to write this short novella about myself. Of course my heartfelt thank extends to royal government of Bhutan for giving us free education and happiness. Lastly, how can I forget to thank Buddhas and Boddhisatvas for blessing the sentient beings including me in any possible way in every passing second since the times immemorial; I feel it is the force that gave hope to humanity.

            I wish you all happy reading and urge you to be generous in rendering feedbacks and suggestions for my betterment in future since all existing things on this earth cannot be without interdependence. As a human I am fallible and as a least learned falling short of diligence blended with destitute of inborn and acquired wisdom, I have no doubt that I might have murdered beauty of meaning, track and words in addition to mechanical errors. Thus, with folded fingers on heart, I offer my sincere apology to all the learned and compassionate readers to excuse me for those. May god bless you.

TASHI DELEK! THANKS FOR READING

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CHAPTER 1

AFTER CLASS 12

            It was shocking news for me when on the evening of 28^th January, 2012 the results of class 12 were declared by Bhutan Examination of Secondary Education. It surely was a day of announcement for me. News was announced in BBS and it was reached to me by parents who also heard from others via phone contacts. I felt tittle both apprehensive and inquisitive to see if I had scored 60s the each subjects. My exams didn’t go that well nor that bad. Marks were declared via internet and B-mobile networks. I chose to look through the internet. Autsho, a place which sheltered me for last two decades is landlocked by four mountains covered by pine trees. Settlement took place in the valley along the highway and nearby which was few meters above the river, Kuri Chhu. My parents said the number of shops and people were comparably less during our first visit to Autsho. It increased considerably these days. Even the scene I beheld during childhood days are but memories. Trees decreased in number when importance was given to infrastructural development. Autsho falls under Tshenkhar gewog of Lhuentse District and it had no internet facility then. Thus we made youngest maternal uncle who stays at Thimphu to check my result. He also often discharges other tasks on our behalf in Thimphu which otherwise would require us two days of travel and more. I am sure he clicked on Sherig Home page on Ministry of Education website and checked my result (I knew the steps when I checked later myself at Thimphu). English 72, Dzongkha 72, Chemistry 66, Physics 55 and Biology 80 were the words uttered over phone and I scribbled down as quickly as I can. I was very pleased, excited and delighted as results were a bit higher than my expectations. Scoring English 72 was a huge surprise and excitement that I could not hold my joy. Though I felt it went good during writing, I didn’t expect this mark and I would like to consider it as luck for I consider English as mystery which makes me scared even to these days. Biology mark too satiated me consoling for physics 55. Mentally I chose to opt for Bachelor in Education at Paro or Samtse College of Education.

            Through hardship, may be not as harder as later, I tried applying for ex-country scholarship that had deadline from 7-14^th February, 2012 which as usual was organized by Department of Adult and Higher Education, Ministry of Education. I applied on 13th February. I ranked 217 in shortlisted Arts and Humanities field for ex-country scholarship and acquiring scholarship was like getting stars on the earth. In the field of science my physics mark couldn’t qualify for ex-country scholarship since minimum of 60 was requirement.

Similarly online application for in-country scholarship was scheduled from 14^th to 24^th February, 2012. I also applied for it. On the path that I found myself and walked, god was observing me if I was walking on the right track. I reached Thimphu from Autsho on 15^th February as result declaration of ex-country scholarship was scheduled on 27^th and 28^th and individual short listed needed to go for selection interview.  On the selection day, though many were shortlisted, only few were called their names and I was one among many whose names were not called and who waited in the rain with lips dried. After waiting in rain for an hour or so selection in Arts and Humanity department was done and I had no choice but to return home. My dream of studying abroad, which was established after result declaration through scholarship died there instantly. But who knows god had other plans for me.

The selection for in-country scholarship was conducted by respective Bhutanese college administration. The selection was done college by college in different scheduled dates. I was first called by College of Natural Resources followed by Sherubtse College offering me course of BSc. Sustainable Development and Life Science. I took some time to decide if I have to concede to offer of BSc. Sustainable Development course. Before I could decide on offer made by CNR Sherubtse College administration called me offering Life Science but I pointedly denied by saying, “I am going to CNR”. They understood even if I didn’t say “No” directly. I then called back to CNR confirming BSc. Sustainable Development course. I breathed a sigh of relief after confirmation after all the doubts, confusions and worries that cropped up after result declaration and after applying for ex-country and in-country scholarship. Till result of class 12 were done I was very relaxed, stress free and workless. Nothing was a cup of tea and no yields are without labor of hardwork. At high school we had to think of future and study seriously and sometimes repeatedly and lot of fun and good time, comfort, sleep, free time and relationships were sacrificed. Repeating the same thing over and over is boring and tedious. I had taken lightly on myself and wished to join in teaching colleges while studying, though.

            At Thimphu I stayed with second older sister doing nothing much productive than eating, watching television, doing dishes, sitting and sleeping. Yet wonders do strike at times. In routine of those normal activities that night became the great night when I heard the announcement from Kuzoo on availability of scholarship in BA.LLB (Hons.) course in India funded by Bhutan National Legal Institute. It was full scholarship. I was no frequent listener to radio but coming across such announcement was a pure blessing in disguise for person like me who wanted to go abroad for study on scholarship after I failed in ex-country scholarship selection. I made a visit to office of Bhutan National Legal Institute (BNLI) to enquire about scholarship the next day. The course was for the term of five years. I discussed about it with parents and they were equally indecisive as me. On one side they had secret admiration for the LLB course just like me. As I already confirmed scholarship at CNR I had tough time in deciding whether to apply for study of law. However, after consulting with uncle, parents, others and my inner self I decided to go ahead with application. I got a call to come for the interview. Although there were four applicants, one guy withdrew on the interview day. We were made to write essay on “Why do you want to study law?” After submitting the paper, each of us was called for the interview turn by turn.  On declaration day they selected me. I thought either of those two ladies must have gotten selected as I had doubt on my English. I could sense command of their spoken English while speaking with staffs of the institute. I have always felt that my English is average. Notwithstanding my thinking, two of them said that as a boy I have higher chance and I saw no hope on the contrary. Towards my surprise it was me when the staff from the institute phoned again to declare that I was the one. Then I went to office the next day to receive declaration letter. They congratulated me and told me to be mentally prepared to go anytime. I was given a time to think to undersign the contract. I was also made to explore libraries of the institute in the fond hope of helping me later. They told me to ask any doubts and questions that I might have with respect to law. They found me very shy, reserved and meek. I also got a chance to have audience with ex-Chief Justice of Bhutan Dasho Tshering Wangchuk who was then judge. As usual my mind always turned blank whenever I make my presence with strangers or higher authority. My voice turned high pitched, soft spoken and less clear. I had nothing to ask or enquire about. Even those one or two doubts I encounter on reading I kept it within myself after battling debate inside head. There always was hidden inexplicable force preventing my thoughts and feelings from going to the ears of the world even to this day.

Before signing the legal bond between the organizer and scholar I had lot of doubts and dilemma which no one could help me solve. Should I go abroad or cancel scholarship at CNR? My uncle, who was one to have highest qualification from our relatives, was also confused. He suggested me to pick the course that exempts me from appearing RCSE.  I found out through uncle that if I choose law I need to seat for RCSE and if I choose to study at CNR as all general graduates of RUB colleges I have to seat for RCSE. He suggested me to opt for BA. LL.B and I felt comfort and calmness from the choice. Whenever there is dilemma or indecision, someone helping to break them is always a greatest relief instantly. I pondered upon choices each free minute and seconds in order for decision to be right and best since we have no one who has a government job from our family. Seemingly jocular but truthful, I thought that we need someone big from our family as all do not have reliable job and are very humble. Hence, I felt a need of someone in higher post to lend helping hands in need. There were lots of financial and human resources shortages and difficulties at home. Despite that our parents have managed the finance prudently. Hence I viewed BA, LL.B (Hons.) a little superior to BSc. Sustainable Development. I visualize myself on the lifted seat of Dasho Drangpoen many years down the line if I choose to go to India and that already had started to take form of folktales of Dawa Drakpa. Dawa Drakpa had a big dream of becoming rich. He rested flat under the tree with his sack hanged on tree above him. He kept wandering what would he do with all the money that he will earn after selling belongings inside his sack. Unfortunately and unpredictably he gets killed as rat cuts the rope. He dies there instantly leaving his mountainous expectations unfulfilled or as mirage. After my own established conviction of thought I cancelled scholarship offered by CNR through fax as I was told to do when I enquired through phone. All the disturbing popping options coming as obstacle to my thoughts were cleared. Lots of mental baggage was freed. Till then I was enslaved to unstoppable thoughts. Then as instructed I mentally and physically prepared myself to go to NLSIU, Bangalore to explore what is law.

            I imagined myself becoming very big, intelligent and transformed studying with Indian friends. I also had a very wrong notion that Indians are bad at English and I would outdo them. This silent slave master like ego creeps in without any reason or based on prejudices. Although I am never a racist I was bit nervous of their treatment to me on the basis of my race. India is a place where one needs to be on toes of one’s conscience is what I heard from Bhutanese. One cannot afford to lose one’s attention. Killing, losing, robbery and other problems take place there. Those scary issues put doubt inside my head as to whether I would be able to cope up to different surroundings. On the other hand I was thrilled, overjoyed and excited to go abroad because it seemed so good to see and hear others going abroad. Those studying abroad were also valued higher than those residing and studying within the country. This also influenced my decision.

  

CHAPTER 2

JOURNEYING TO INDIA

            One of the requirements among many was a candidate has to accompany his or her parents during admission time. My uncle has studied in Indian school and college. He can also speak good Hindi. My parents talked with him and let him represent them. He was just promoted to the rank of Major before we left to Bangalore and I missed to attend promotion celebration at his home.

            Since reporting date was apprised all of a sudden by the organizer, we had only a week to book and reserve tickets. The seats were all booked and in the morning of traveling date we squeezed in the train that travels to Majestic Station of Bangalore from Alipuar Duar. We didn’t have a ticket but somehow we thought we can request TTT of that train. I did not know anything happening inside the train and was also not worried so much since I was hanging in perceived familiarity and confidence of uncle. I had full trust in him as my mother’s full younger brother. This habit of getting carried away in thoughts is still one of my habits.

            While travelling inside the train varieties of people came stretching their arms for money. Among the beggars some could be genuine and some fake and we had no clue who are whom. I adhered to common people of Bhutan’s say, “You should avoid giving to one because others in line too will follow.” Only if I were born with silver spoon in my mouth I would have not minded giving even to the fake ones, let alone the genuine ones. Yet to those who won my sympathy (without parts of body) I could not hold my stinginess. Likewise, even to hijra I had no choice but to give to them. I was advised by my uncle that we cannot neglect giving to Hijra or they will insult us. They do not even like money below 10 rupees. For others any amount was fine. Without a seat it was very horrible journey for us. We were mostly standing for three days (48 hours). In tiredness we trespassed others’ seat and could partially rest our tired legs and body but it didn’t come without fear and scolding from seat owners. Most difficult part was trying to hold our sleep. While those who have a berth slept we could not as train was fully filled to the extent that it approximately required 2 or 3 times the usual amount of time to reach to washroom. Yet one of the nights I managed to lie under bed within little space I could find. My uncle asked me to sleep as he remains awake to keep eyes on our belongings. Apart from holding sleep we had to hold our excreta since people are fully packed and movements were very difficult to make. Moreover, I was apprehensive of the location of washroom in the train. I was very narrow -minded to even try exploring as I had fear that I might miss reaching back to my place. However, when necessity commanded I had no choice than squeezing and walking to find washroom. First, I felt the room inside train was getting hotter as I stepped closer towards it and away from my place. I discovered it as kitchen where cooks were cooking meals and other edibles. I retreated and tried to walk in different rooms and could finally find washroom to release my pressure.  

            On reaching Chennai station, the train halted for a short while to let passengers dropping at Chennai leave. Many free seats were created. I took one and laid down in order to cover up two sleepless nights but the heat in Chenai was competing with me to keep away my sleep. So, I got down the train to fetch water. I nearly missed the train when I came back after filling up the bottle. As train started moving, people started hanging and I nearly did not get space to hang when train moved. It invoked huge fear and pain in my mind to see train moving slowly and with people packed at entrance door. Yet like many of those who were trying to enter into moving train I too hung at door despite space being limited. With adjustment I inched towards my seat. God always bless us if you believe in him. It helped and saved clueless and inexperienced boy from missing the train.

  

CHAPTER 3

INTO THE COLLEGE AND HOLIDAY

            From Chennai we reached to Majestic (Kempe Gowda) station and we stepped out. My uncle did all the job of searching the place by uttering address to locals in Hindi or English. Then we took bus and reached Nagarbhavi. As soon as we stepped in the bus we asked conductor to stop as bus passes by Nagarbhavi. He informed us as we reached Nagarbhavi. We got off, bus continued its journey and we asked auto riksha driver about NLSIU, Bangalore and they told they would need 50 Rs to reach us to NLSIU. He took us to campus gate but it only took 3 minutes. Distance was very near to charge 50 Rupees. May be he took advantage of our being stranger and new to place. They could have escorted physically or pointed us direction and we might have easily found the place. However we did not argue with prize after he (driver) reached us to law school. It was 5 p.m or 6 p.m and we were behind the time. Interview was supposed to be from 2 pm to 5 pm but administrators were liberal and they considered me for the interview. We were escorted to Vice Chancellor’s office.VC had interviewed first half of 1^st year batch of 2012/2013, BA.LLB (Hons.) and the 2^nd half was handled by the Registrar. My self-proclaimed good English in Bhutan was not good at all there. I felt hard and short of words to tell about why my parents could not come. Registrar seemed not convinced and pleased with my answers and confidence. When he asked, “Why didn’t your parents come?” I told, “They are humble. They could not come.” I repeated those phrase again and again which now I realize could have made no sense at all. My answer was all “yes” or “No” and very short and straight forward. I was told that I am the one who is at bottom in terms of marks and percentage (69%). He asserted that expectation from the college is very high. He wanted me to work very hard and reminded that I should not fill a seat for competent and potential candidate. I pledged to work hard. Then I was made to draw a lot and I got Himalaya 310 left cubicle. Apart from bad interview that I delivered and harshness in words and tone of Registrar hospitality of all concerned persons was very good. I remember madam Padma and sir Shangkar with smile being so helpful to all clueless fresher and their parents in escorting to exam department, filling out forms and discharging formalities.

            I felt bit offended and hurt on reflecting and reviewing on Registrar’s tone. I thought I will work very hard and prove against his feeling and my result score of 12^th standards. My ego even reached to sky level when it commanded me that I would top the class which later proved a stark contrast instead. Filled out form and relevant documents were submitted to exam department for registration. I received prospectus and some bunch of hand books to read and know more about the college. I got sexual harassment code of conduct act of NLISU, NLS Prospectus, Examination Rules, Hostel rules, Newsletter and NLSIU Guide to uniform citation. I flipped through some pages of all of them that first night. I read because I had no other business and my uncle slept outside the campus in one of the hotels. I was all alone in the room with simple phone (one with abcde….z button) without working SIM card. My roommate did not reach yet. I did not know those handbooks are to be read. However excitement ate away all the lonely feelings and associated pain that feeling of loneliness and cluelessness bring. I sat on comfort lap of uncle’s presence. I met with few Indian friends that night at hostels. I could not remember anyone of their names later except Aakash Parihar. With time I learned all of their names later, though.

            Next day was orientation day and it starting from 10 am. I was made to dress in formal which uncle and I bought the night before orientation (in the morning of 2^nd stay at NLSIU). Most of them did not dress in formal and it was okay. During orientation VC and Madam V.S Elizabeth spoke to us. Madam informed us to come to meeting at 4:30 pm the next day (Monday) for sexual harassment briefing and awareness. We were made to introduce ourselves at orientation. I did not literally understand a single word spoken by Vice Chancellor since I was hearing Indian accent and I was overwhelmed by new scenes and rank of people. Above all it was difficult to catch up and understand clearly from the very last row. I had to imitate others’ smile and laughter. I did not even know what my friends were doing when they held microphone and started speaking one after another in line. I could only hear and comprehend some of them. They said, “I am so and so and I am taking BA., LLB or I am looking forward to studying BA., LLB.” Then I realized it was an introductory session and I introduced myself when my turn came. I said, “I am Tashi Dorji and I am from Bhutan. I am looking forward to BA.,LLB” in cold tone and fast pace without actually having any clue of the phrase “I am looking forward to. “It was sheer imitation of what other friends had said. I passed over microphone to next person after I was done.

            VC was right next to introducer and it was quite scary, nervous and overwhelming. He must have commented when I said I am from Bhutan but may be my nervous and induced low pitched voice spoken in fast pace could have made no sense at all. He was commenting after some of speakers. Then we were invited to lunch which was served at girls’ mess including our parents. I was scared and apprehensive about how to take lunch. Will my way of eating be same as theirs? Nevertheless I strategically informed myself that I will follow what others do. I did what my friends did. Therefore I was more concerned with smooth flow and show than filling up my stomach. I then came to know that we have to serve on our own. There were varieties of curries and we can have anything we like or all of it as long as one consumes. I took all since I was universal acceptor, I used to eat whatever others eat, be it vegetarian meals or non-vegetarian items except the one which my society and community (Bhutanese) people don’t consume such as dog’s flesh, snake, flesh of monkey, etc. Indians eat whatever Bhutanese do and some were vegetarians.

            After the lunch, there was library orientation session by the head librarian. He divided us into two groups in two different timing. I was in first batch. They have also assigned us with ID but like few of other freshers I did not know my ID number and was confused as to which group I belonged to. Nonetheless I made up my mind to go with friend I have talked to. When time stroke we went inside one of the rooms of library where there were books and one presentation screen arranged. There was a board to write.

            Inside ID did not matter and it relieved my tension of having fallen under wrong group and feeling ashamed in front of others right in the beginning was saved. It took about two hours roughly. He taught us about primary sources and secondary sources and list of citations or references that we can rely on for any sort of writing or research. He scared us and laughed by saying, “You guys will anyways spend rest of your days in here most of the time.” Though he was clear, loud and understandable unlike VC’s speech, I could hardly grasp anything from that orientation since he was speaking standard English at least in front of me who is least learned. My friends mostly got what he had to convey whereas few Indian friends and I got very little since we were little backward in terms of language and exposure. I comforted myself by saying, “I will get over difficulties and I will understand everything gradually.” It also turned out to be true but not unless a passage of month or so. Till one month or couple of weeks I was not able to comprehend their talks which made me silent to their question which astonished them. I was only able to understand professors who speak like us; slowly, clearly, uninfluenced by region and mother tongue. I in a way had understood his language (head librarian) better since he is south Indian and I was taught by South Indian teachers back in middle school and high school. However, my comprehension was obstructed more by usage of big vocabulary that most professors in the college do. I did not have a laptop and phone supporting internet to relearn the words I did not understand in class. Hence it took time for me to get accustomed to things at law school. But trust me, I learned gradually. At hindsight one of strong reasons for my backwardness could have been absence of homework and research on my part prior to joining in college. I remained idle at Thimphu after class 12 or after being selected for scholarship.

            Right after some days of starting college, there was outbreak of chicken pox in the city and town. College hence was ordered to close and all residents of campus were to vacate the hostel. I was worried a bit because I had nowhere to go. I could not go home (Bhutan) unlike my Indian friends due to distance and having to face unnecessary financial shortage and wastage. But luckily I had one of my friends and mates of 11^th and 12^th standard of Phuyum Higher Secondary School as a rescuer. He was studying B. Com at CMR College as a self-catering student. I acquired his address and contact through Facebook which I used to login and use from the desktop of library. In the library in the ground floor there were number of desktop in a chamber to be used by the students. Those who have no laptop or dysfunctional laptop would come and do their work from there.

            Sneha was my “roll mom”[1] and she is from one of the towns of Banglore city (I didn’t asked exact location). She asked me where I was going in that emergency break of 15 days. I told I have a friend. She made me call to him. She said try getting to him and if I don’t find a place to stay, as a last option she would take me to her home. I was both happy and worried. I felt happy because I got at least one sure place to live and I felt worried as well. My worry was if I have to go to her house I may not be able to cope up with the way they live; I was scared that they may have different life and way of conducting themselves, different from Bhutanese. This stream of thoughts thing seem permanent mark in my life. Nonetheless, as old Bhutanese proverb opines, “Although fortune of huge container is exhausted, fortune of small container is not inished yet.” Rigzin Dorji who was then studying at CMR College lived with 3 roommate friends (his bro and cousin) and they agreed to share me their accommodation. Actually I needn’t have worried because there was also arrangement made for those who could not go home and I could have easily availed that service just like my roommate and classmate Bangladeshi friend did; I came to know of this after I joined back to college after vacation. On the other hand I was happy to be with Bhutanese friends since I had none apart from one who was studying in the 4^th year. We do not even meet that often because college life was quite busy and it would take long time to come to know who and who else are student of NLS. Sometimes all of a sudden new chap pops up before our eyes which creates buzz with a phrase “did you see this guy, before?” I packed myself to move to my friend’s house.

Thangminlal Haokip, newly met friend who knows about Bangalore promised me to reach me to Rigzin Dorji’s place in Banaswadi. He lives somewhere nearby it. Later, he told me that his uncle runs a Church at one location in Banaswadi and there are many children to feed. Hence his life is no different from college life which might have been his one of the reasons for remaining back at hostel with me most of the time when others leave to their respective home or planned spot of internship during vacation as each trimester ended after exams.

  

CHAPTER 4

VACATION WITH BHUTANESE FRIENDS

            I took a bus with Thangminlal who is popularly being called as Lalcha at college. When bus dropped at nearby place that he stays he made bus conductor whistle for a stop. We both stepped out of footboard. He then searched an auto and sent me to CMR College where my friend will come and pick me up. He was waiting for me when I just reached there. My fear and anxiety of losing myself in unknown place all faded away and my breath could find a peace and calmness. He welcomed me with open smile and hand gesture. I shook hand with him. We were meeting after few months ago. You know what did while at Thimphu in winter? When his relatives did not send him to unnecessarily roam around the town he would wear a gho and say to them, “I am going for an official work” and that official work was to gather with friends, taste different cuisine and play snooker.

            His home was not far from CMR. It was a walkable distance and fairly short distance. Later on we used to come to CMR basketball court to play basketball after lying to the gatekeeper by disguising our identity. Only two of them actually study there and can go inside without permission. May be guard knew us later on; he threatened us by calling head of that college which a bit scared us and made us leave the ground immediately without arguing. When Rigzin knocked the door, his cousin opened the door.  He melted my fear by smiling and being frank with me. Rest of the inhabitants of room also welcomed me with a smile. Smile and frankness was what I needed the most as a guest. Now there are five of us in that Home. In later days the house owner increased the rent after having seen many new faces in that house. Funny things which I realized later was when a man came to collect rent and took increased amount I bragged friends with economic lesson which I had learned recently few days ago at college before the chicken pox’s outbreak. I told them the owner increased rent because demand was more and supply is constant. They diplomatically shook their head and said, “Yes you are right.” Two of them used to take law and they also had fundamentals of economic done and would have easily understood what I was uttering. Besides they are in 4^th grade of BA, LL.B (Hons.) and two other did their B.Com in Chennai and were preparing for RCSC exam. I should have instead shared financial cost of rent since I was going to be staying for 10-15 days but rather I mistakenly boasted economic lesson.  They were very kind and good host. They used to prepare meals and serve me and they would never bother of the time I sleep and what I choose to do. Two of them (one was Rigzin’s own brother) left to Bhutan before I left back to college. They rose in dark morning and bid bye to me with, “stay well and study good nungpo” message and though I was awakened in deep sleep I kind of felt sentimental and emotional since I stayed with them for five or six days happily. All humans undergo variable degree of pain on departure whether it is displayed or not. They were very good persons; joking, chatting and watching movies together. They will die themselves of boredom to keep me entertained and homely. They would let me use laptop for Facebooking and Youtubing which at least used to consume an hour. When I overdose over it who knows how literally they might have died out of boredom. Yet they had their cell phone to save some boredom, a phone with internet set. There was wifi connection in the building.

            Though I might have been burden to them I was able to help one of them. His ATM card stopped working despite having some amount deposited by his parent. He wanted to send an authorization letter to Druk Punjab National Bank, Thimphu to block his card to preclude misuse by others. He did not have idea to send his signature and letter to the bank and was bit worried. He was telling that he can send type written mail but the bank needs letter with signature. He had hand written letter with signature and was stuck in sending it across. I used experience I gained from few days of stay at law school in sending that letter. I told him that he can scan the letter, attach it to gmail and send. Then we checked café and were able to find one. He scanned, attached and sent followed by deep breath of relief. I felt myself useful and pitied him for not knowing even a small stuff. He was in 4^th year of BA.,LLB. Experience mattered there, otherwise even a small stuff matters and bothers you a lot.

            I used to be escorted by Rigzin to town that they live. He would tell me all he knows about the town. On the way we would grab some egg puffs and rolls. He and all of them would smoke but I didn’t. All of them go to terrace to smoke up at night, day or in the morning for their own reason and passion. I also had my own reason later on. Once they all took me to one of the stadium to play futsal but I did not play because there were enough of people to form a team excluding me; on top of that I was apprehensive to play on the turf for the very first time. I enjoyed watching them play instead. There were English friends from USA who works with Rigzin’s cousin. Rigzin’s cousin, Sonam Wanghuk studied till 4^th year in BA.,LLB. He rested for a while after his fourth year to do job. He wanted to earn on his own and pay expenditure for his study since he has lost his father when he was young. He wanted to be an independent and I came to know about his liking to orphanage and orphans in Bangalore through reading one of the chapters of books that he had written and he had plans to publish it.

            Although we could not have same landscape as that of Bhutan’s which we used to miss it so much in other’s land, generally my stay with Bhutanese friends was homely and marvelous one. I was more than delighted beyond imagination to have friends to feel happy and close in an alien place where everything is viewed and seemed distanced and empty. But just the way sun sets after its rise, my stay at friend’s place came nearer and nearer each passing day and I had fear that all my enjoyment would leave me sooner too. I stayed with them so homely and frank that I forgot to behave like guest. When time came I packed my stuffs in the morning. After I had lunch I took an auto to bus stand that my friend Thangminal had asked me to come to. It took some time, patience, difficulties, fear and repeated calls to get and meet Thangminlal and step into the same bus to the college. We met and shared about our experiences. That time allowed us to get to know each other; we were not close friends yet. We acquired seats and comfortably seated on the bus and moved along the karmic wind direction which pushed us again to Law college of NLSIU to experience the unfelt experiences of law school which 15 days’ stay could not render us much. 

  

CHATER 5

LAW SCHOOL

            Till fifteen days we had so much fun since there were many introduction sessions and orientations. We had fresher’s night and the event let me struggle when I had tough time in picking one cartoon character for myself. Hence, I had to invent character myself. The theme on fresher’s night was, “CARTOON”. We were supposed to wear and make ourselves look like the characters from cartoon. Most of Indian friends knew what character they wanted to be since they were so used to watching cartoon. On the other hand in the first place I did not have an access to television and other social media. Secondly, I did not have habit of watching carton movies that often since I was more into Hindi movies followed by Dzongkha serials and Hollywood movies. Hence my little knowledge and idea about cartoon character should be justifiable and I had every reason to struggle in finding a character and making up to look like them. Few cartoon characters that I was aware of were also ones that I came to know through my nephew’s and nieces’ time of watching cartoon. They would cry and win over me and watch cartoon. Hence I came to know about Mr. Bean, Chota beem, Bal Ram Krishna, Tom and Jerry, Ben-ten, oggy, etc. However, I did not watch those cartoons that serious. I would go for listening to music whenever children tuned TV into cartoon networks. I didn’t even know what those characters do and I was not familiar to cartoon character. Indian friends who had laptop browsed youtube to copy and make themselves like a cartoon character. On the contrary, what was Youtube in itself was a curiosity for me. They brought crayons, color pencils and chart papers to make them look like character they decided to be. They were successful in making themselves look like character. I had no idea what character they were portraying and I did not even bother to ask. Since I didn’t have character or idea to impersonate initially I dropped the idea of attending and participating in the event. However, my friends told me that I would not have such opportunity again in life. Besides, I had a genuine impulse and burning curiosity that was successful in pushing me to attend the event. My heart was burning and longing to see and experience different things. Whenever shows, dances and singing happen my passion always burns to watch and enjoy. Also, whenever I sing and listen to the songs, I have a habit of getting completely immersed in the song. At times, it stirs calm and stable emotions of mine. When I was in class two or three, I cried after singing series of songs. I am still searching for the reason.

            At last, I invented a character for myself. I painted my face black with water color. I straightened up my hair like porcupine, wore high tack, removed my spectacle and wore track pant. I wore sweater on upper half of my body. When friends asked what I was, I told I am DODO, Bhutanese cartoon character. They raised their eyebrows since they didn’t understand my character. Some of them even said, be “captain Hajol” since I appeared to them as one. When few others asked later, “Are you captain Hajole?” I replied “yes”. I don’t know why I lied. Perhaps I wanted a short conversation to the stuffs I don’t know much. That was kind of habit, I saw in myself too. Whenever others ask me my name and details I told them mine and never bothered to ask theirs. In a sense, I only used to answer to them. That too, short, brief and to the point. On top of all my blankness made me silent most of the time. I always had nothing to talk about with others preferring others questioning me than I doing same to them; I am more than excited to converse. Friends used to be so happy and enjoyed whenever I utter a word, “I am from Bhutan”. That in fact used to make me proud. Many of them whenever they talked to me they would ask how is Bhutan. They also know Bhutan is a small country and happy country from which GNH was given birth to. They would also ask about King. Being a fresh student, one of the frequent questions was, “how do you find/like law school?”

            “It’s beautiful” I used to say and add that weather is awesome and these two points are what most of the fresher say in a variety of ways. Besides, it is fact that Bangalore has good weather which comes automatically to anybody’s mind. Most seniors whoever opens themselves up and try conversing with us talk positively. They wanted us to see law school as promising by hiding unpleasant stories and hardships. They assured us that we would have loads and loads of fun. Yes, in fact they were true since there were truckloads of fun since we get to hang around most often. One or other activities take place in college to keep students away from boredom. There are bigger cities around the place to hang out and enjoy the beauty and chillness of Bangalore.

            Nonetheless, bitter truth was also revealed by some others by revealing the difficulties and problems of law school. “It’s tough here dude, work your ass off all the time, you will have to be on toes all the time, you will be always busy with assignments……” were some of the truth other seniors would reveal to us which many had hidden and rest few were taking neutral position. They were not wrong either because number of students failing and depressed was also substantially higher comparing to other colleges as far as what my conscience analysed. Students are busy to the extent that we find no time in seeing one another often. That in fact is how we come across with new faces in different point of time at college despite being in same college or hostel. Basically and in unbiased way, law school has lots of sadness to offer as much as happiness and satisfaction.

            Law school is sad because it keeps us very busy taking down our weights. Many turn thin. Studying all the time, I am sure nobody will deny, is boring and tedious. Our body aches and we feel like vomiting when we overdo it to the extent that we never feel like starting it over after the break. We enjoy a short break much more than longer period of study and muscle stiffness. You also know that, more we study intensely and serious more isolated we become which gives room to boredom, loneliness and emptiness and over longer period of time has tendency to cause depression for few. That’s how they start using drugs, consuming alcohol and smoking up to fill in the gaps caused for burdened monotony. Especially for ones who are emotionally less intelligent has higher chance to cause depression.

            It is sad because you also become victim to depression and start using substances and alcohol. It ultimately spoils you. Notwithstanding that happiness also found a dome there as coin always has two sides. We know about lots of stuffs that we didn’t know before. There are lots of activities such as debates, moot, conference, seminars, and other curricular and extra-curricular activities that give opportunity to open ourselves up and add experiences to life. For instance there are many committees run by students and law school is run by committee, Student Body Association. Being a member of committee gives us responsibility, liability and leadership quality which are useful for life. You get to interact with different people, raise fund and organize program. Professors are chairman to committee and they just support to proposal and move made by coordinators and members. Hence it gives opportunity to run and organize school which is no different from running a country but in a small way. While mooting and debating we get to go to different places, exchange communications and knowledge with different people and enlighten ourselves. It should be a place to secure our future, learn, read, analyze and enlighten ourselves. Hence there are lots of reasons to be happy. If happiness and sadness are to be measured and weighed, balance certainly would remain imbalanced, swinging here and there turn by turn, but if one depressed, lonely, selfish and emotionally affected person is to weigh he will say weight is more towards the sad end. So, if a sensitive and emotionally less intelligent person is to take a weigh, he will find sadness overwhelming over happiness. Contrarily happy, positive, hopeful and cheerful person will find happiness everywhere. Cheerful ones would find balance hanging on cheerful end. Others would find presence of both equal. Whatsoever, the absence and presence of pure happiness or sadness would be impossible on the earth. Let you alone weigh and experience it yourself anywhere. Each of us are taking fair share of mixture that this life offers us.

  

CHAPTER 6

FACE OF BANGALORE

            If you are doubtful about the weather, you need not because Bangalore has moderate weather unlike other parts of India. People say Bangalore is a beautiful and green city. Yes, I also found some trees planted and grown nearby residence. Our campus also has lots of trees and coolness. However locals say Bangalore is growing hotter year by year and I also felt the same even in my three years stay at Bangalore. In my third year I felt very hot in summer, hotter than summer of my 1^st year in 2012. People attributed warming of Bangalore to development and technological advancement. They say trees are disappearing. Just like other metropolitan cities, Bangalore also has lots of patience testing traffic jam on road junctions. Traffic jam is so thick and intense that sometimes you have to wait in a car for more than 10-20 minutes at each stop. I didn’t hate traffic jam initially but as time added on it also started annoying me. In vehicle with your poor quality cell phone it becomes very tough to wait without any work to divert your attention to. It feels very hot inside car, auto or bus while waiting. It is more irritating and annoying when you travel by bus because apart from carrying lots of passengers it stops at different point time and again taking lots of time to reach to the actual destination. However all of these are platform to muster patience which is essential attribute of human being to be great and successful in life. If you have patience, negative lens is blocked and you will look the situations and happenings of life through positive lens notwithstanding difficulties coming across the way.

            One sad and sorry thing about Bangalore is capriciousness of auto-rikshaw driver. They never charge fixed and same amount to a person who travels to same destination. There may be some who are loyal and honest too, though. Only safe thing is to go by the meter machine which also displays the amount. Meter does not cheat and we need not converse with them much if you do not know the language. Lots of unnecessary bickering over the cost and growth of hatred and betrayal can thus be saved. It’s very convenient especially to foreigner who is vulnerable to cheat. Auto-rikshaw driver are so habituated to collecting extra amount from customer if meter is not used. They will not mind passage and wastage of time if they get even 5 or 10 rupees extra as much as we also don’t mind losing huge opportunity cost if we have to pay 5 or 10 rupees less. Either way on analysis either 5 or 10 does not literally affect anyone or makes no difference. But to those who don’t have anything as beggar it will make huge difference; Charging extra affects lot, even a single rupee. Worse of all is auto-rickshaw driver cheat if they happen to see a person possessing different looks then their locality. They would cheat hell out of us (strangers and foreigners). Sometimes their cheating turns out unsuccessful on intervention by the true and honest auto-rikshaw driver. I only argued over the price once in my entire college stay of around three years. We have fixed the price initially when we travelled from Majectic town to Nagarbhavi. I was returning from Tamil Nadu from the bus. I went to spend my 15 days holiday with high school and Bhutanese friends. I returned from there after 7 or 8 hours of journey. Thangminlal had advised me to come by bus after reaching to station. However, at bus station there were lots of buses and I could not find bus travelling to Nagarbhavi by reading the blinking letters displayed on front glass of buses.  Hence I decided to go in auto-rickshaw. As I went to auto point there were lots of auto rickshaw drivers. I found one and was deciding price. He said 300 and I knew it should only cost 150 based on knowledge I acquired through Lalcha. Other driver came and I told 150 and he was willing to take me. However, first person said he will take rather. Then we came to college. I was throwing broken Hindi with him. We conversed and came. He was saying he will charge 200 and I said that was against his words. He said cost of fuel has increased and I told I just went through newspaper earlier in the morning and it didn’t. I also let him know that I could have come in other rickshaw who has agreed to charge 150. However, he was adamant. I was laughing also. When he reached me at gate we took few minutes in settling the price and at the end he said, “What sir, you are arguing just for 50 Rs.” Instantly, I found truth in his words and I handed him 200 as he demanded. He went back happily. Yet I was just trying to make sure that we are never been taken advantage of just on the basis of how we appear.

            Notwithstanding all sometimes despite knowledge I used to give extra thinking that I need not be generous in different way or at different place. Extra amount will amount to giving a grant or charity and exact amount is what they rightfully deserve for service they rendered. Thangminlal bearing Mongoloid look just as Bhutanese, screw auto-rikshaw driver when they attempt to cheat. He understands and speaks fluent Kanada (language of state of Karnataka) because he was brought up in Bangalore at uncle’s home. He had been staying for last 10 years and had schooling too. He writes Kanada as well. He could catch them out on spot if they happen to gossip and backbite on him and his race. People like us are referred to as “chinki” meaning small eyes. My friend had issue depending on tone of voice they uttered and I didn’t use to mind at all. I even remember telling him that we indeed have small eyes and that is not a point in building issue out of it.

            It hardly rains in Bangalore.  2012 was very dry. In 2014-2015 it at least rained at different occasions. Bangalore’s star is hardly visible at night because industries and factories smoke polluted the air obstructing the visible clear sky. Lots of constructions, repairing, building, and cleaning up is taking place for improvement and development of city and services. Municipality is also planning to build new metro-track and it has caused blockage and traffic jam in different place at different time. There were few already.

            City is big, full of houses, buildings, roads, shopping complexes, malls, college, universities, schools, hospitals, etc. City has almost everything that people would want; varieties of food stuff, clothes, electric gadgets, medicines, services, cosmetics, liquor, crockery, jewelries, park, stationery and lot more at least of what students needed. We had everything we needed if we really had money. Students often roam and hang around the cities of Bangalore exploring and feeling varieties of experiences of sights, smell, touch, taste and sound. Going to Cinema Theater was one activity that most students are fond of. Even I had a privilege and opportunity to visit Cinema Theater around couple of times. I would have gone more than that but was held back by financial issue and murdered beauty of theatre caused by uploading of new movies online after actual release of new movies.

            Fresher were taken to treat by their respective rank and roll parents. Sneha was my roll parent and Abhilasha Ghimerey was my rank parent. They are supposed to help me out settle in law school and share my problems and difficulties. They did the justice. There is a culture of roll and rank parents taking us for treat, either for meals or ice cream. Thereby they take a platform to introduce ourselves to them. 3-5 parents (seniors) combine and take their kids (freshers) for a treat. In designated restaurant we have huge task of introducing ourselves and stating our hobbies, passions, dreams and purpose of coming to law school in front of those 10-15 people which to me was very nerve-wracking task and experience. One very difficult task to express was naming of top 5 beautiful girls (for boys) and boys (for girls) from our class (batch). We had only one section with 86 numbers of students in total including repeaters. It was huge student that we find it difficult to follow the lesson taught in the class if you are seated at the back bench or if your classmates chat among themselves.

            In restaurant I had fear clouding and cropping up in my mind about which food item to choose since I am not so familiar to single stuff on menu. Next fear was as to how to eat, use spoon and be graceful. So, clever choice to be normal was to fearlessly choosing one item blindly as if you have tried it before. Other good way of choosing is, choosing what others choose so that you would have someone to look to and imitate vigilantly and intelligently. Trust me, all these have made me confident the next time since I became familiar and I would not mind to hang around with others if they are truly willing to treat. You feel the real taste and flavour with experience. In short I had nerves and narrow mentality. I appreciate a system of rank and roll parents taking care of their kids.

To enjoy and feel beauty of Bangalore and to explore I have travelled couple of times during my stay in the cities and towns but I was only able to make myself familiar to Majestic (Kampe Gawda) town and I had no idea of M.G Road and other towns which looks big, full of buildings, roads and appearance of all seemed similar to me.  I didn’t bother to know about a place since I thought I will have someone else with me in times of need and I did have my friends accompanying me wherever I travelled, a friend who knows the way. I now realize that I should have explored myself and know more about it by myself even in absence of friends accompanying me because that would have given me a chance to be independent and build confidence within myself which will ensure comfortable travel wherever I move and stay. I didn’t choose that way, I rather had friend travelling with me or I remained back to hostel if I have no one to accompany. Mostly, I follow what others had to say and plan rather than planning and executing my own plans. Even as a child most of the things were handled and done for us by mother and she didn’t stop doing that even after growing up. Perhaps, she knew our shy and reserved nature and being dependent on her might have caused it too. Yet if I get a chance to acquire thousand reincarnations I would never blame her for such act. She was our savior from childhood to even this stage of life. Helpless always love being helped and it was not pampering of her act to me. 

 

CHAPTER 7

CAMPUS

             Even though I didn’t get opportunity to view campus on my first day owing to reaching at twilight, I had solid three years to see, hear, touch, feel and taste law school. On the very next day of reporting it was orientation sessions and it showed us half the campus. Our campus is fenced by wall and it is in the land of Bangalore Universities, our sister college/university. From Chandra layout we take left turn, move straight and in about 10-15 minutes we would reach campus. Just next to us is Bangalore University and I am telling with confidence as I could place my foot there. When resources in our library, especially for history project, were scarce I visited library of that university. Bangalore University is such a big university that it offered Biology, Science and Arts courses.

            In almost outskirt of Nagarbhavi, is where I feel our college is. First gate is gate 0 (zero), the main gate is gate 1 followed by Gate 2 where most of college girls enter since it is right next to their hostel. Gate 3 is above senior boys’ hostel. Those three gates 0, 2 and 3 didn’t have proper watch house. However, later for security reason watch houses were built with security guard in each of those houses. One of the college girls travelled out at night with her friend and she fell victim to rape by group of outsider boys. I was so disturbed to hear such news in the campus through friends. The news of rape wasn’t first in India but it was first time happening inside NLS College. To such animal behavior I don’t think there should be first or last chance. Such crime should be dealt with stringently by law implementing body. Why? I may never be objective, yet with total empathy I believe rape brutally victimizes a girl. Her precious and greatest garb of dignity is totally wiped off from her life as long as people familiar to her exist. When chastity and dignity is removed, it traumatizes victims and puts her into depression besides physical pain and discomfort. If one takes reflecting on her social status, standing and self-esteem despite being victim already, it is as salt being added on wound. Hence to commit such dehumanizing behavior anyone should give million dollars thoughts and one should not fall slave to animal lust, pleasure and selfishness.

            After that incidence, security was tightened, curfew was imposed. No one can travel after 10 p.m. Many lights and development related to security was brought about. Bringing in curfew after the incident undermined freedom and liberty of students. Curfew timing and a need of curfew brought lots of debate among students and administrators. Personally for me curfew would make no difference since I hardly move out of room or window. I was totally fine with library and internet connection for 24*7. Even if I was affected, my voice would have remained within me since I always keep things to myself and suffer later on internally while maintaining physical normalcy.

            Student can enter from any gate after showing student ID. Over the time our faces became familiar to guards and we didn’t have to show our IDs each time we checked in. In case if we are to go out or come in after curfew time in times of Emergency we have to register with security guards. However as fact speaks, implementation remains as problem anywhere. People travelled beyond curfew and I also had experience of travelling without registration. Nonetheless, generally I observed security personnel doing it sincerely.

            If we enter from Gate 0 and 1, first things we see is administration block. There are classrooms and offices of the staffs. It is three storied building with terrace above. There is a quadrangle (empty ground) in the middle, so everyone once stepping out of class would be able to see quad if they manage to look right down or straight ahead without changing directions. We have professors’ chambers, exam department, Vice Chancellor’s office and Registrar’s office, all inside that single and huge red building. There is logo in front Gate or door of that Academic block. You could see a picture of balance on NLSIU logo. There are three exit/entrance points. One is from VC’s office, other is from entrance where you will see logo and the third one will take student to canteen. To travel to canteen we have to walk down the stairway to the underground. Right behind student canteen is SBA (Student Body Association) common room, where any student of NLS can go in anytime and avail the services. There is carom, fustball and chess game inside the room. They also screen movies through projectile in that room sometimes. I remember watching an Indian movie called “Fire.” Also, in SBA common room they make decorations and dresses to be used for show in the quad. Basically our academic block is one huge building with many rooms with rectangular space in the middle.

            There are trees that provide shade and coolness to students of NLSIU. Below the academic block lies teacher’s quarters where some of our professors live. There are two buildings for professors and it is enclosed with another inner fence and gate. They have see-saw and hammock for their children to play and past their time. Between academic block and professor colony is road. In fact road is around the academic block. Right next to teacher’s quarter is Himalaya hostel for first year boys. I stayed my first year in there. It is very next to academic building giving privilege for the students of 1^st years to wake up and freshen up when there is just 5-10 minutes for bell to gong if they choose to miss breakfast and attend class. Most of our classmates did miss breakfast and they made it up from the canteen during the interval. I also did it twice when I overslept to make up lost time of sleep caused by read up and project work. It’s such a nice single three storied building for the first years who needs freedom from seniors and sense of homeliness. I have liked it very much like most students did as well. Everyone feels a bit sentimental to leave Himalaya after they graduate first year. Girls stay between library and Himalaya. First years girl also get to stay separate like first year boys for same reason.

            There was one empty building, Sunderban besides Himalaya hostel. Later, in my 3^rd year of stay at college, it was demolished to bring improvement in infrastructural development. The college management started building bigger and better to fit in increase number of slots. Almost all students of the college lived as a boarding students except few 5-10 local students who may have found living a hostel life quite difficult.    

Girls’ hostels were little gapped from first year boy’s hostel and it was fenced. There were four buildings but one new building for 1^st years was added in 2013. Above girls’ hostel there was a canteen called Chetta that ran till mid-night. There was never a day without customers. Sometimes if it was so packed and rushy that shy guy like me, who buys when there were few buyers or none, was hindered visiting there. Canteen sells edibles such as juice, food, cooked Maggie with varieties, sandwich, egg puff, egg omelet and juice shakes. Along the way next to canteen and library there were two small shops selling cooked stuffs for students. Items such as poori, paratha, pani poori, channa were sold in one. The other one used to sell juices mixed with chocolate or other fruits or recipe. Over the time western food items like burger, sandwich and items that was not familiar to me then and even now were added.

            Then we have library which could be biggest building of all and which is a place of heaven for those who needed books as a source of authority and information for any sort of writing, research and project work. It could have been vehicles for mental journey on road of time. People used it for mooting, debate, writing papers, journal, book, assignment, reading, etc. Those outsiders also come and seek assistance of our library to fill in a gap of information. Library is three storied filled mostly by books, chairs and tables. Books are arranged subject wise in titled bookshelves. We will find autobiography books from one corner, sociology books from another, book needed for legal method and jurisprudence from particular rack, constitutional books, contract law, tort law, Alternative Dispute Resolution books, LPD (Law poverty and development) etc. from respective racks which can be availed through use of access number by punching it in database from the desktop. One desktop is kept on first floor right after entrance point. We know which access number the book that one searches fall by punching it in database cutting unnecessary time spent on searching rack by rack. There was lift system in library. We didn’t have lift in academic block but one was installed in our second year. There were lots of beautiful books in the library and I came to know about it only in my 3^rd years stay at law school After I lost a year in my third year’s stay I had to repeat 2^nd year after I flunked in 6 courses. When I repeated the trimester I got free time in the period of the course that I cleared. I used my free time to read autobiographies of different famous individuals. I read about Gandhi, Fali Nariman, Mother Teresa, Professor Randi Pausch, Ex-president of India APJ Abdual Kalam’s (I don’t still remember his full name) autobiography. Likewise, I have read other social books written by different authors. Though I got scared and intimidated by size of book, I made some effort to read few thick books and I came as a success. Sometimes my friend and roommate Thangminala used to get envied of my free time which I used it for reading. As a fresh second year student he has to attend full classes unlike me. He had to research for assignments and read for classes. My 5^th trimester was almost like free because I only had one course, i.e. Family Law II. There are four courses each trimester. Before mid of 1^st trimester we had to submit two projects and within remaining half of the trimester I had full time to study for Family Law II (Student call it as Fly-II) exam. Apart from devoting time for that single course I used to read, smoke, sleep, hang on social media and travel.

            After library, we have VC’s residents. Then we have our senior boys’ hostels. Ganga and Cauvery are name of two hostel and building for second, third, fourth and fifth year students. We also have Hoogly for LLM students and those who prefer to stay single and isolated for personal or health reason. LLMs are hardly considered students of NLS. They were viewed as non-students and isolated chaps in common eyes of many students including me. Among LLM students there always used to be few who would talk with me. Those who came for student Exchange from foreign countries also used to stay at Hoogly. I have had a privilege of knowing and talking to all of those who came on student exchange. It feels special for having done it. Hoogly and Ganga lie aligned but separated. I got allotted in Cauvery after graduating from first year. Cauvery is aligned with boys’ mess hall. Above mess hall is common room for senior boys and I was forced to visit there once. I got show caused by SDGM for not having signed for room check in my first year. First year have to go to mess before 8 o’clock and sign. If you fail to sign, you are amounted to absence on campus even if you are physically present at dinner.

Just the way first years have a chance to sleep till first bell rings, we senior boys have a chance to go to mess very late, literally after closing time and arguments with cooks and servers. We can go whenever we want since we don’t have to walk 5 minutes like first years students. First years have no choice but to come before 8 o’clock to sign room check. Senior boys have no room check and we have privilege to come to mess anytime from 7:45 – 9 p.m. for dinner.

            Lastly, beside senior boy’s hostel, there is football field which was on process of building and development in our first year. In our first year our school team had to go outside to play and practice football but later on in my 2^nd and 3^rd year, ground was beautifully built, polished and finished. There is arena for viewers to watch freely in open air. Separate washroom for girls and boys were built.

            Since our first year, campus development work was going on every day whenever equipment and plans were ready. There was no auditorium room in the campus. Later, very big building in between library and boys hostel was constructed. It was said to be an academic block. It looks sumptuous and luxurious and right in front of my eyes it was almost completed except for few finishing and inauguration to be done on special day. I have no luck and fortune to walk, feel and study in new building. I had to u-turn to Bhutan, place where I live and from where I started my journey. My u-turn unlike in my first and second years was permanent and irreversible. I didn’t return back but memories and mind did it often. Even now I visualize myself down there sometimes whenever I get free time to miss the college through sweet memories. I have blamed system, law school and people when I was at law school but when I have no law school I missed it more than anything else. Pain elsewhere is more than at law school. In one instance when I missed the college, whether it is actualized or not, I thought to send my daughter/son to study at NLS to fulfill his/her father’s wish of completing law school. , I thought I will give consistent advice, guide and support since I had none except for few who did once or twice. I thought I will focus more with mental stability and care. At hindsight and now I felt pursuing one’s own passion is more important than blindly or forcefully chasing what seem beautiful and magnificent; hence I take back my blind wish which was triggered by emotional carry over out of withdrawal symptom of discontinuing NLS. I reconsider my decision (Please don’t think it as cute but laugh out loud).   

CHAPTER 8

DRINKING AT LAW SCHOOL

            My first drinking at law school was also during Happy New year, 2013. I drank a lot to the extent that I passed out and I could not wish “HAPPY NEW YEAR” to anyone. I passed out before celebration started at noon. I blacked out to open my eyes at 10 a.m on my own bed. I literally remembered nothing else except one instance of roommate opening the door and that too was like something in dream. I remembered nothing besides that. I had project to submit on Monday. New Year was on Sunday. I didn’t start my Political Science Project. I had economics almost done. Having consumed too much cocktail I had terrible hangover. I vomited 2-3 times in rest room. Friends told me to drink water to hydrate. However, whenever I consumed water I felt like puking. Feeling of giddiness and nausea gives a feeling that I would see, touch and smell alcohol again. Even when I slept giddiness was vibrant. I felt so weak to do project work. Few friends and classmates of mine visited my room to ensure I was fine. I was not well till 5 pm. At 5 I woke up from bed, took bath and went to chetta (shop inside campus) to grab something since I was hungry. Girls from our class laughed and smiled on seeing me because they saw crazy part of me on New Year party. As far as what I heard from my classmate friend Deepankar I was said to have danced violently with them. I am almost like non-existing during my sobriety. I ordered 2 minutes maggi with egg at Chetta. I felt a little better having after having it.

Then I started my project. Three friends of mine had been generous enough to lend their hands in finishing my project. I could make it on next day (last date of submission) after missing classes for that day. We can submit till 5 pm. After last date, you can submit till 6th day but at the cost of losing half marks a day. In my first year I had not submitted after last date and lost marks. Yet I started submitting project work at the cost of losing some marks in 2^nd year. I have always submitted on last-last date (6^th day after actual submission date) losing 3 marks. It didn’t matter whether I worked hard on project or not, I landed up submitting on last-last date. That feeling of your work being not so well kept my work pushed to very last moments. Moreover, plagiarism was treated so strictly that if it crossed beyond certain percentage you shall be liable for it.  So, we have to make sure that it is below the allowed percentage. There was application online to check plagiarism percentage.  On thinking I realized that I lost my jacket the previous night. It probably should have lost in bus. It was jacket that I have not worn after reaching India.

As insisted by my helpers, I decided to treat them with simple lunch outside the campus. We visited nearby restaurant to have lunch. Chirau Jain, Deepankar Baudh and Thangminlal had sacrificed their free time to do my assignment when I was sick and I could submit it on time. All of us decided to take parata with dhal thakda. Two of them took chicken and Chirau and I had veg item.  It was good break from eating hostel lunch. I had no issue with food served in mess. I have never wasted food. I had habit of going for second share as well. at times when my mood is so good I didn’t mind taking both chapatti and rice. We were served two to three varieties of curry. Twice a week we were served chicken. Chicken Biriyani was also served at times.

 The second instance of falling flat by drinking was during my third year’s stay at college. When our batch celebrated mid-law I had pulled hooka and drank as cocktail. I didn’t dance that time. i was vigilant and careful the second time yet I lost my consciousness when I consumed beyond my capacity. I fell back to sense when Aakash Parihar and Prateek padded on my back. The bus had reached to our campus. They helped me to my hostel. After dropping me they left. It was in the early morning 4 or 5 a.m. I closed my eyes to sleep.

 

CHAPTER 9

 SCHOOL DAYS

            There should not be a doubt to say that I am kind of student who believes in working hard. I always have at least taken seriously in studying starting from the 9^th standards. While the days during my primary school were different stories as I never used to study and the time that I remember studying was on the morning of exam day. Sometimes I used to land up not finishing reading up before exams. Yet my results were always good. As I started my schooling in Pre-primary level I just passed and as I advanced the grade over the time my performance started improving though there wasn’t any improvement in my attitude towards study. Although I had no habit of studying yet I was blessed to have colorful results during my primary schooling days. From class two I was second from the class along with one other male friend from the class. I stood 3^rd in my 2^nd grade during mid-term. However, as the academic year ended my performance position in the class changed, I leaped to first. From 2^nd standard onwards I always stood first from the class. People would always expect my name to be called whenever results declaration and announcement of position happened. I would stand up as they call my name and collect prizes and results which usually happened on 18^th December, the next day right after important and magnificent National Day. However, humility was there as I recollect today. I would never take for granted that I will secure first. There used to be fear and curiosity when the results were announced. There was no confidence or arrogance on my part. Even after the results were declared it would be friends who celebrated or boasted on my behalf than myself. I had no fun or time showing off to others either. My soul was pure as a child which I appreciate and envy as a grown up now.

            In my 7^th standard at Tangmachu Middle Secondary School I used to study during study period. We used to have an hour of morning study, an hour of evening study and two hours of night study. I might have utilized study period properly for study and doing homework but didn’t study finding separate time. Yet those periods were more than enough to bring good results, I used to top the class; Classmates were diverse and from different primary schools as opposed to primary school. Yet I could not win over all the sections, though. We had 5 sections in class 7 and my elder sister and I were in section E. I led whole sections’ position starting from 8^th standard till 10^th. Teachers and friends used to have full faith and trust in my performance. Even in the class they used to appreciate my behavior.

After I graduated from middle school I landed up at Phuyum Higher Secondary School (now known as Lhuentse Higher Secondary School). In 11^th I had tough time deciding pure science or bio science. At the end I decided to take both biology and mathematic. As a class 11 student general attitude is “11 is heaven” and therefore no one would study too seriously. People would just study at last moment enough to pass in the exam than bringing good score. I didn’t pay much attention to mathematic yet I managed to pass in the exam and rest were better with my final score marks of 69 percentages. In class 12^th after our biology teacher had advised us to choose one subject instead of both. With hardship I decided to take biology and drop mathematics. Who teaches and how it was taught used to matter lot to the students and I found biology teacher more convincing and interesting than mathematic. Hence I dropped mathematic and my prospect of becoming engineer which during that time had very huge prospect for career was murdered. Standards went pretty good but not that great. Thus, in general I used to feel contented with my academic performance.

  

CHAPTER 10

MY MENTALITY

I hail from Thangna, Drujeygang, Dagana. My father had a job that would take him and his family from place to place. As a consequence we landed up being at different parts of Bhutan. However, we got stuck at Autsho for over 20 years. My father served the nation as a mason building houses, roads, bridges and other infrastructure under Department of Roads. People of Autsho and students of Lhuntse and Tangmachu often think that we are from Autsho. Yet, the truth is Autsho is just temporary address of ours.

Usually I used to get along well with friends during my school days. I was courageous and confident when with friends around me but when left alone I was quite a shy guy in crowd. I would have fewer topics to talk, share and discuss and mostly it would be silence dominating the atmosphere that contains me and many others, especially girls. Though I can be frank and little talkative with classmates friends, I had limited talk with class mate girls. Generally I was happy, contented and fine guy to be friend, son, nephew and student. There was only little discomfort with myself or my inner feelings. External beauty and fun time used to be overweighing than inner struggle since I had someone to take care of me. Although I liked to be in group, I would choose few friends to be my permanent friends to rely in times of both joy and sorrow. However, my perspective of life changed a lot after I reached college.

            As a child I had been social and open kid who would not bother to chat, talk and communicate with friends yet shyness as clouds in the sky was there depending on situation. I have been to many of my friend’s house to play and halt night and at times friends would visit mine. I used to be a well behaved kid when I was at other’s home. That was sort of inbuilt quality of mine. Nonetheless, I had been liberal sometimes in breaking my own discipline by using my intelligence, prudence and vigilance when I come to know about absence of other’s parents at home. I would switch to naughty mode and would not hesitate in watering down the boundary between my own home and theirs.

            However when merciless and detached time murdered childhood, I started becoming more shy, introverted and enclosed person who would not go to other’s territory much unless backed by necessity and that too would be under compulsive pressure from parents/relatives. One of the reasons could be I had been in boarding school since 14 from 7^th standards. We would get to stay only around three months with parents while most months and days were spent at boarding schools. Because of not having stayed enough with parents plus weak communication skills and weak emotional intelligence I lacked social skills whenever I am at home. I had discomfort and feeling that I was not hospitable enough. I used to feel hesitant and awkward to welcome others at my home, make them sit, converse, provide a cup of tea or meals, etc. I had rather avoided such contact with people by handling them to mother directly. We would mostly have her to do those stuffs. Of course, my father is a good communicator to guest or visitor at home. I found it hard to stand and pass people I encounter on the way or by my side during work. I always had thoughts inside me such as “How should I carry myself? Should I smile or be normal? Is it okay for me to not look at them and pass or should I look and smile? Will they not brand me as bad if I don’t look at them and pass? Is not talking to them going to be fine?” But mostly, I had reciprocated what they did. However, with familiarity things are different and I promote my level of shyness to little confident. Yet with some people I used to have good communication which at hindsight I realized is poor communicator requires familiarity or good communicator at the other end. Yet what seems paradoxical is, I should rather have gained communication skills at school since it’s a platform where we get to stay and communicate with hundreds of people and all are of my own age or few years younger or older.

            I used to be moody sometimes but I use my conscience to do away my moodiness because I have always wanted to follow morals. We were briefed what is good or bad by parents, society and teachers. What hurt others, I didn’t like it either. What makes me and others happy also made me happy and contented. Jesus said, “Do good unto others as you would have others do unto you”. It is also true that I used to think a lot as an introvert as much as I stare at things blank for a long time unless triggered by certain stimulus. I shared what was worth sharing and what can be shared in a way being a semi permeable membrane. Things are different once I discover my range of comfort and familiarity.

           

CHAPTER 11

CHILDHOOD PASTIMES

Singing had been my passion since my early childhood stage. I remember the moments of Supervising Officer’s (Department of Road) wife stopping me on my way to school and making me sing for her. Others and teachers also made me sing. She would give me some bucks for singing. I would sing instantaneously most of the time and I had few times where my hesitation and shyness lengthened my singing time. In my 3^rd standard instead of giving speech, I sang a song. Even in class PP friends and I in group sang a song instead of delivering speech and same was accepted and applauded. I was introducer of speech and I uttered imitating other daily morning speakers “Good morning, Today I am going to sing a song for you” and principal sir Tshewang Ngidup corrected me after singing that I should use “we” instead of “I” as there were four or five of us in group singing. Instead of delivering morning speech at times singing was permitted to break the monotony. Delivering speech as a primary student was nothing but memorizing and reciting or mere reading. I gradually started loving listening to music. I would go to my friend’s house to listen to songs which I used to memorize and sing it later. During childhood stage our memories are sharper and more so with interest. It is sharpened more when you listen to it with frequency.

            Playing marble used to be our pastime. Our weekends, summer vacation and winter vacation were mostly consumed by playing marbles. We play from the late morning to the dark. At times our mother would come and fetch us. We would miss our meals and at times mother would come with stick to whup our ass but before she catches us we would already be disappeared from the scene. She would come slowly while we were into the game with stick hidden behind her back. Yet we would not pay heed to her and playing never stopped.

Likewise at night we had habit of going to others house for watching DVD and CD movies. We had no hesitation even for a second to make a move after having dinner. At times we would go to movie before dinner and by the time we reach back after completing movies parents would have slept. It would be 9 or 10 p.m. We had to serve on our own or sometimes we got served. We often used to doze off while watching movies. When sleep is quite deep we would tell friends or siblings to wake us up when last fighting scene appears and snore. Fighting and action movies would keep us awake. And as a kid only action movie used to make sense to us. Hindi, Chinese and Hollywood movies were access movies and Bhutanese movies had been rare. Room would be occupied by children of Autsho and at times we would miss to get a place. Sometimes we would fall late and door would have been latched from inside. To knock the door is never easy with fear and hesitation. If there were friends, as soon as one knocks others would hide as quick as possible. When owner opens the door and lets him/her in other friends would follow. All the slippers would have been kept at the outside. At times no matter how many times one knocks they never open the door and when waiting time gets it would drive us back home, upset often. If they don’t show movies they don’t open the door or even if room is totally filled they would not open up the door. Our parents would stop us but we would never listen.

            Similarly, swimming was also our childhood day’s hobby. In summer, Kurichu River at Autsho would form a branch and we go to there and swim after walking half an hour and crossing the bridge. Dorten chhu after crossing bigger chorten was another swimming spot. Other times especially in winter when current of river becomes gentler we would swim at the peripheral parts of Kuri chhu. However, it gets deeper as we move forward towards the middle. Our parents would never risk and allow us to go for a swim. Mother would come up with whip or stick whenever she got information of us having gone for a swim. Running water was risky and she had a fear that we would be washed away by the river. As she beats we would stop her by snatching or grabbing her stick or by running away. Likewise, teachers would also warn students to refrain from going for a swim. I once got belted by our Dzongkha Teacher along with 4 or 5 friends of mine. He struck our bottom with 30 cm wooden ruler (2 to 3 cm thick). He was officiating head master then. It was very painful. I felt shameful and angry at the same time which kept my tears pooled.  Shame associated with letting tears down the cheek would not let me close my eyes since puddled tears would roll down the cheek. It’s shameful because friends would tease later on if they see me crying which unnecessarily would trigger anger in us. Many students used to get beating on the account of having gone for a swim. At times principal or teachers on duty would strike twenty to thirty students after morning assembly after they read out list of names of whoever violated repeated warning.  They would trick or threaten us in order to get the names of friends who escaped the list. Even some parents of whose kids had gone for a swimming after influence of their friend or according to his own will would report the matter to teachers. Hence we had no chance to enjoy our hobby with freedom. Parents and students had huge respect and fear for teachers during those times. What parents fail at home teachers would correct it if they are reported of the matter. Those kids who are complained of not behaving well at home and outside by their parents or guardian let teachers to discipline him/her through corporeal or other necessary means.

 

CHAPTER 12

 FAILURE AT LAW SCHOOL

            The road that I took till 12^th standard was a common and that one road called “walk and keep walking.” You will encounter something on the way and you will pick up and cope up. I had no thought that I should trace my own path, walk and leave a footprint. Even in terms of job I thought if I keep on walking the road, time will find me a job. I never thought I will come across struggle. Perhaps since I used to stand 1^st from class irrespective of class/standards I  thought that I would always have things under my control including acquiring job just the way I find it easier to stand first automatically higher the standard kept me walking despite the apprehension each beginning I step. I was very wrong on it. Road I took was a road, where I believed I would go with flow. Life in contrast has never been plain, easy and simple. It was not free of choices. Many choices cropped up and making a decision was hardest thing for me and still I find it hard to make decision currently. In my 9^th standard I had dilemma of choosing economics or IT and in 11^th standard of science or commerce or arts. Those peripheral roads of having to make choice were of same qualities as the main common road that I encountered later. I thought whatever I choose will be fine one. Diversified roads of life were very inevitable. 

            Even after the 12^th standards I had a same view that I can go along with flow. Hence whatever I choose it did not matter. I chose BSc. Sustainable Development among 15 other options such as Bachelors of Science in Life Science, Bachelors of Arts in Sociology, Bachelors of Science in Environmental Studies, Diploma in Forestry, Diploma Agriculture, Diploma in Animal Husbandry, Diploma in General Nursing and Midwifery, Diploma in Traditional Medicine, Bachelors in Education General, Bachelors in Education Bio-chemistry and Bachelors in Education Physics chemistry. Yet again I encountered another road even after I decided to pursue BSc. Sustainable Development course at College of Natural Resources, Lobesa. Even after I chose to go to CNR another choice cropped up after decision and that choice won my decision. Choosing the road of BA.,LLB (Honors) seemed promising and I had to give up BSc. in Sustainable Development.  

            Yet when I lost a year at NLSIU in second year I had to discontinue going back due to withdrawal of scholarship. Perhaps, God wanted me go through that. It would have also wanted me to have other course/choices. Hence, I have not blamed myself and anyone for that matter of my failure in 2^nd year. However, I have blamed system at NLSIU when it took very long time, more than permitted time, to evaluate and declare results on website. I used to feel time given for preparation was not adequate. There was interruption of normal class. Instead of preparing and going to class those who failed in module need to give repeat exams sacrificing class hours. Counter argument could be that we could have passed the first exam and have not suffered in preparing for repeat exam. However we cannot do away with subjectivity in answers students write and existence of intelligence differences or diversity. Some learn very slow and need lots of time for preparation. Most of our times are being consumed by project work. 4 project works in 3 months (trimester) was a difficult task. Not only do we have to study for project works but also carry on with class preparation side by side. It is not the end after submission; we also need to prepare for viva voce. Although doing the project works well makes preparation for viva easier, having daily classes and other tasks had makes me forget often. Results are to be declared a week before reporting time but there were always violation of exam rules in law school itself. We can’t force strength of strong and good upon poor and weak. Diversity must be respected and given importance and inclusion too. So, at hindsight I feel repeat exam should have happened before the start of actual classes or new semester as practiced in colleges of Bhutan. However, it was my own weakness as well to not fit into the system. I should have been Romans while in Rome.  

            More than not displaying the results on time I was affected by time taken by exam department to display promotion list at the end of the academic year. Unless promotion list is displayed there is no way to know which class a student can sit for next academic year. As promotion lists were not declared, in 7^th trimester (or 1^st trimester of 3^rd year) few classmates of mine and I also parked our ass in 3^rd years’ classroom with our batch mates when there was dilemma of whether we had passed or not. Towards end of 6^th trimester, I had 7 carry over (flunked in 5 courses [2] from second year out of 12 and I had 2 carry over from the first year.) The college allowed only 3 courses to carry over in higher class. So, there was little or no chance getting me promoted to third year. Yet, I had paid and filed to reevaluate 5 courses that I flung. Two carry over from the first years were History-I and History-II and now I hope you will forgive if I commit mistakes in historical account. 

Re-evaluation took very long till few days before the exam; 7^th trimester was ending without clarity of where to sit. 1^st and 2^nd year have mid-term and end term exam in a trimester. From third year students decide whether to have midterm or not. Students have always preferred and decided to have one exam in trimester. So, from third year they usually write only end term exams. There is common understanding that the exam department might have been burdened with multitude of tasks such as displaying of promotion list, preparing time table for classes and exams, conducting exams, conducting evaluation and re-evaluation, printing text books and other relevant works. Yet even small loopholes in the way it functions had severe impact on us. For instance, though we sat in 3^rd year’s class, there was no certainty. We had fear that we would have to go back to lower class anytime in case promotion lists and reevaluation come as otherwise.   

            Even after doing repeat exam there is another chance to clear through exam called special repeat exam. As per convention followed in law school, only those who have four carries could give special repeat exam. They can choose any one course out of four to avail special repeat exam. Students write their special repeat exam and they clear and clarify their confusion. They legally and rightfully can go to higher class after passing. While those who have only five carry over are not able to have special repeat exam, those whose parents could come to appeal could write special exam despite having more than 5 carries. Some who have 5 carry over were allowed to write special repeat exams. However, those information are hearsay and I have not validated. I was waiting for re-evaluation and if I clear two courses out of seven failed, I will be left with 5 courses and I can have opportunity to write special repeat.

            Reevaluation results came when there was a week left for exam of new trimester and promotion list came just two days before exam. I had cleared one course still leaving me with six back papers. Hence it was clear that there is no possibility for me to have special repeat exam. After hearing news of my reevaluation my roll mom once came to me. She said she will call her parents and request special repeat on my behalf in case if I wanted. I said no and she respected my response; there was no forcing. As I was engaged in thoughts and activities during those moments I had failed to thank her for her generous and big help, I genuinely thank her now. I could have availed that chance once yet there was some force holding me those times which I do not understand it today as well. So, it was clear that I failed. However, by then I had finished attending almost all classes of third year except last few classes after declaration of results of reevaluation. We had hope of writing third year (7^th trimester) exam despite having failed in second year in the hope that later we could have one trimester free yet that was not allowed. The request was not legal and that hope in fact was baseless to cling onto. I felt upset, drained, clueless and sad since I was apprehensive and fearful of my ability and chance of continuing law school.

Displaying of promotion list of the year took very long because of conduction of repeat and special repeat exam. Actually there should have been clear cut promotion list first and then we should have gone to classes but there were no interruption or clarification on the part of relevant body regarding status of students who have filed reevaluation. However, we decided to sit in 3^rd year as we were advised by SBA President upon consultation. Even for us it is logical to attend third year class than repeat second year because in case if we clear few courses in reevaluation we would not miss third years lessons taught in the class. Likewise, even if we flunk after reevaluation, lessons of second year would be already learnt ones except few updated information if any. Yet all of these have become like tale of drunkard.

I had to update about results to focal person each trimester or by the end of academic year. I sent my marks and also informed them my misfortune. Yeshi Dorji sir apprised me that should I fail in exams I should bear expenses on my own. The legal contract signed between the Institute and I clearly states that I should complete the BA., LLB (Hons.) course within the given five years. Yeshi sir had handed his responsibility to Pema Wangdi, Research Officer. Pema sir told me that my sponsor would not bear an expense even if my marks drop since I was a scholar, let alone fail. They expect excellence over the course of year after I am used to system. Yet, what they are unaware was my background, my intellectual power and expectations of college. Our college is a top law school. It is ranked No. 1 since 2012 and professors expect us a lot. Trimester system is very tight and busy. We do six exams a year besides 12 projects and presentations. Some professor would cut our attendance if we fail to read the assigned task for the class. Though I always read that what was assigned often I could not comprehend what I studied. There was very less confidence in my comprehension and I have chosen to remain silent in the class on that account. One time, the fear of not having comprehended properly made me consider myself as those who didn’t read for the class. Those who did not read were made to leave the class. I had read, though. Should we read for class or do research for a project? Where is our time for recreation, hangout, exploring youth and communication skills? However, on proper analysis on hindsight I thought why could not I adapt just as majority did? It is hard to answer even today. I still lack confidence to say that I can be fish inside that water.

I hail from a family who didn’t even go to school at all. My father learned a bit of numbers and basic names of things related to his work in English through his job and Dzongkha through his father. He had passed the exam of RCSC that they needed not give during their time. His father was a lama and my father survived him when he was 13 years old. Besides being illiterate we had no strength and health in finance. We survived out of father’s salary (around 8 thousands a month). We are of 5 siblings and three sisters have their own children to look after as a dependent to their husbands. Although they had schooling, it was not high to be in a position to advise, assist and guide me to right direction and they are mostly reserved. Yet through thick and thin my parents have not given up in providing me finance even after I came back to Bhutan after leaving law school. They had not stopped pouring their care, love and support especially in my hard times. Their condolence would often choke me out in phone and I had to command muscle of my brows to stop being enslaved by pounding emotions. Although our merits are weak, I also exercised and shared merits of uncle who also had financially supported me in times of need. At one time he gave his own laptop to me; it is old model and damn heavy. However, even he could not guide me all the time since he has his own children and life to look after and guide. Even other uncle also helped me a lot. I owe them huge intangible debt yet reserved nature of mine is finding hard to pay them back what they deserve.

I realized that I wasn’t perhaps as intelligent and sharp as college has expected. My habit of shyness and reserved nature had also hampered my study. I wasn’t able to ask when I really needed to, be it to friends, seniors or professor. I have asked only under compulsion. I spoke very less and few in class. I have never participated in class; I only needed to open my mouth and make my friends hear what I say, when professor made everyone in the class speak turn wise; to present the assigned work the next class, the next day. I don’t know why I choose to remain silent, hesitant, shy, introverted and dissatisfied by own nature. I am still waiting for myself to change over time and I have waited enough wait so far. I feel tired sometimes. Self-pity, self-sulking, sad and frustration are mixture of emotions I felt at different points of time. Whenever I speak to people who are not so close to me my voice tremble, shatter and turn soft-spoken. My hoarse voice turns into feeble. To the tone of my speech I always felt dissatisfied. There always was room for regret thinking that I had not spoken in that particular way or I should have spoken that way. My inability to open up with friends had impacted my mentality lot. I lived under that mental pressure of myself being no sufficient throughout the college life. Even when I had an urge to talk I feared to go ahead. I didn’t want to hurt myself in case if their tone sounded harsh. Even small tone of words would hurt me that time. Luckily being shy and reserved had not allowed anyone to be harsh on me. Even in class during the break I used to feel so uncomfortable without being able to communicate. So to avoid being judged I would usually sleep on bench even when I was fresh. I had heavy feelings and deep conversation with myself. It used to cause me pain and I had realization that those taking lives must have gone through some sort of mental pressure in silence just like me. Classmates and friends would give me space and only few closed would mind to converse with me. Even going to canteen in break was hard for me even if had missed breakfast and had cash in account. Sitting in third year class was really hard for me especially without my close friend. Thangminlal had flunked in first year itself and without him environment of class was never same. In my first year with him I had him wherever I go. He was there after class for me, though. We were so close that people would say, “Are you two gay?”  It was in fact him who made my stay at college little bearable and beautiful to some extend as well. We would go out for meals, roaming, shopping and watching movies. He also helped me when I travelled all by myself back to Bhutan. Irrespective of what is taking place with my mental health I didn’t fail to express my smile to people. I had lot say, “Tashi, you are so sweet.”

           

CHAPTER 13

ENDING PHASE IN INDIA

            16^th Jan, 2015 was last day of exam for NLS students. I was sad and emotionally carried away after exam since I will no longer be there after 18^th Jan, 4:30 pm. While friends were playing football I didn’t: I went to see a match thinking “let me make my last stay happier and worth remembering.” My friends would never know that the break I will take after 5^th trimester would be “break that will not let them see me again.” I didn’t tell either. Neither did I discuss about my need to quit law school with anyone except Lalcha. As roommate and confidant the truth slipped out of my tongue when we had an argument. Both of us were heated. It was about going to NLS, Mid law party of the batch of 2017. Mid law is celebration that third year students organizes as a celebration for making up to mid-point of their journey of graduation. He told me, “Why would you go to such a party, they are charging you high.” I told “I want to attend my last party with the batch. I will not have a chance to be with them even if I want hereafter.” I expressed that I have less chance of returning back. Even if I do I shall have to be with other batch of students since I flunked a year. I explained him all the reasons and details for that. I informed him that my scholarship was withdrawn since the beginning of 5^th trimester. It hurt me to see him not coming to the party yet as always I never had forcing power. I could not force him to come. However, I yearned for him to accompany me. At the same time, I was blinded partially by “seize the moment” ideology as I would not get those times back to be so overwhelmed by absence of him.

The focal person who looks after me hade made me stay and sit for 5^th trimester since fees for academic year 2015-2016 was already disbursed (it was supposed to be my third year and 8^th trimester’s fee). With fees being released already I can seat in 2^nd year as a repeater all the trimester. When I updated results and my status as a repeater, they asked in mail if I will be able to bear lost years expenses on my own. However, as I could not agree to bear expense of lost year on our own upon consultations with parents I replied to focal person through email of our concerns and inability. I shared about my poor family background and issues at college. After few days upon consultation with the sponsor he wrote me back through email and the scholarship was withdrawn. So, fees supposed to be of 3^rd year were used for repeating in second year. One trimester already passed with lots of doubts and confusions. I thought why waste time if I have no chance to continue with next academic year. The focal person enjoined me to visit the office during vacation. Usually I remain back in short vacation. After the starting and the end trimester exam students get only 15-20 days of holiday and after the middle trimester exam we get almost two months of vacation. In my first year I stayed back in first and third. I visited home in middle trimester as it was too long to stay back. Besides, it is always good to visit home and meet people who meant so much to you for refreshment and growth. I was consoled by focal person that I still have a chance of continuing. They wanted me to stay strong and study 5^th trimester assiduously since they felt it would count a lot in influencing White and Case in retaining my scholarship. I acknowledged their gesture of kindness but I sensed there is very minimal chance for me to continue. I wished things could have taken into consideration on the compassion ground. Yet as I was very clearly apprised in the beginning before undersigning the legal bond, they were only strict to it; nothing more nothing less. Excellence is always expected from scholar. Moreover how much more can they be compassionate? They already had given me a chance to study for five years and I missed it somehow.

As it took almost forty three hundred thousand per academic year my parents were apprehensive of bearing them our own. Hence, we had no choice but to request them to give me one more chance. Later, when fees were sent, I visited account section to pay my 5^th trimester (repeat) fees. I discovered that the fees in total only comes around hundred thirty thousand since I had to repeat only 5 courses. I was obliged to pay tuition fee of 5 courses only and the total amount dropped down. Three hundred thirteen thousand five hundred sixty four was returned back to me by the college. By that time everything was settled with the focal and sponsor. Later after reaching in Bhutan, when I shared about fee actually being less to my parents, they also regretted. They felt they could have adjusted and managed that amount. Yet, whatever happens happen for a reason.

            Right after exam even while watching friends play final soccer game, I felt lonely and bored. So, I returned to my room, my cubicle to which I am strongly addicted. It was a place I would sit for most of the time since there was wifi 24 * 7. So, I poured my emotions on Facebook page, “Truth of life”. ….paste the excerpt here

I booked the flight ticket on 18^th Jan. Most of the NLS students go either on 17^th or right after exam (16^th) itself. I deliberately booked on 18^th January to stay at hostel to enjoy air of NLS one more night. There was feeling of attachment to a place and there was inner calling within me begging to return. The final overwhelming feelings of moment made me forget depression and hard time that I underwent in the past. All I could think was how to come back. In middle of trimester, I thought I would try different college in Bhutan since LLB in India, NLS was my wrong choice. So when I told Lalcha that my prospect of coming to NLS back is 50:50 he told me, “I know you are not coming because you already decided that you don’t want to come.” I was frustrated at him but I laughed and tried to tell him I will come and he repeated the same line “you are not coming”. I assured him that it’s not in my hand to determine my come back, it rather depends on sponsorship, either from the old one or new. I cannot afford to self-fiancé around four hundred fifty thousand Rupees a year. When I underwent depression I thought if I drop law school I will join into teaching profession. Having back up plan even while I had weak mental health was source of pride when I recollect it now.   

            Lalcha wanted to take me to his uncle and aunt since I won’t come back but I refused and denied out of shyness and my diffident nature. He told me that I might regret later on in my life for not having done so. Though it may sound arrogant, to tell the truth I have not regretted till this point of time as I still have partial dirt of that mentality or perhaps it is my nature. Yet who knows his words will self-fulfill its prophecy with time when I change and discard shyness. We roamed in town of Bangalore on 17^th to make some memories. In the town he had his own work to do and it was obstructing from making my final stay in Bangalore a memorable one. However, it went decent. He was planning to go to his original home, Manipur to meet his parents who he didn’t see for last 10 years. I was moved and touched by his story. Yet when he shared all his sorrow or plans one night in the football field I had no emotions to pour. My emotions were dull and I felt uncomfortable for being that way. Yet I commanded my brain to throw few comforting lines. He wanted to write his Grandma’s story because his grandma wants him to do before sun sets for her forever. So, he was preparing for this journey back home to Manipur.

            On the 18^th January I travelled back all alone. I had friend to accompany me during previous vacations. I travelled with azhim Sonam Deki Retty, only Bhutanese who was studying in 5^th year in middle trimester of my first year. I felt safe and secure in her presence since she has lots of experience of travelling by plane. Another time I travelled with Karma Pem Dema, 1^st year students from Bhutan. She also dropped NLS due to her personal reasons. Both of them were kind in nature, friendly and supportive to me and I really needed support since fear and doubt clouded my mind most of the time. Karma however stayed very short at NLS to enjoy her company but Sonam had always helped me whenever we met and I was in need. She landed us some bucks when my uncle and I were left in lurch as my ATM card got stuck. All phenomena are interdependent and her presence and helping right on day of meeting was indicative of instances of her help later in life. She helped me book ticket and drop me to Thimphu. While returning back too she was always there to make my journey safe, secure and comfortable. She is talkative but I have always found truth in whatever she spoke, she makes others feel comfortable in her presence. She still calls me to keep update of my doing in life. I am eternally thankful to her. She finished law school in 2015, June month. I was obliged to travel alone when I returned back. When I returned all alone I was scared, tensed and worried. Thank god, all went well, all was well. I opened my eyes and mouth in being extra careful and vigilant. Hence, it is always important to do or know things on your own even if there are friends doing for you.

            When I was travelling back to Bhutan at Bangalore airport, I followed wrong counter and I was directed to right one. I asked and followed people; I kept my eyes on them and my journey proved successful. I halted one night at Kolkota airport since I have next flight, Druk Air, at 9:00 am next morning, 19^th January 2015. Indigo took two hours from Bangalore to Kolkata and Drukair took an hour to reach Paro from Kolkota. Kolkata, Subash Chandra National airport and Bangalore International Airport are both re-built and it was done within a year itself. It looked different comparing to previous visit (2014 Jan).

            First point at airport was check-in- point where they validate your ticket. Then they give you boarding ticket with seat number and flight number. Then they weigh your luggage to see if it is as exact or below prescribed ceiling. Indigo allows 15 kg at maximum and my bag was just fine and 15 kg point something. Then we go for scanning ourselves and hand bag in line. Stuffs that are prohibited as written on notice board can’t be taken.  They strictly follow rules. After they scan your hand bag, which is to be taken along with you in plane, you get to scan your body. Then you get boarding ticket. Finally you get to rest on chair in respective waiting point numbered 1-20 or more depending on size of plane. There are shops and restaurants to keep your boredom and hunger away. You wait there sat on chair or standing depending on availability of chair until voice from microphone announces it’s your time and flight. After hearing your flight number and time you pass through the exit point and security personnel makes a last check to see if you have ticket or not. Then you land in airport and you search your seat inside. However if your waiting point is down stair (lower floor) as soon as you pass exit, a bus comes to take all passengers to the doorstep of Airplane. It drops right next to stairway of plane. Then you get into plan, check your seat and relax. You need ID or passport of country when validating ticket. First of all, cops would check your ticket and ID to let you step inside the plane from outside. While it is safe and comfortable to travel by flight the journey was not engaging. We have to let pass long hours of silence doing nothing. So it would be good either to sleep, listen to music or read a book to make your trip feel short. Staying without doing anything is very tough. Same step is followed while returning back to India. You, however, need to go for immigration section for registration. Next remaining step for going to Bhutan from India is we need to fill lots of form unlike travelling within India since it is an international travel.

  

CHAPTER 14

IN BHUTAN

            I was at Thimphu on 19^th Jan, 2015. I visited office of Royal Law Project (organizer who sent me at NLS) to discuss about my prospect after few days. I was told to meet them. I went with lots of hope thinking it would come as success. I was welcomed with simile, handshake and cup of tea by kind hearted Director of Royal Law Project, Taba. Pema Wangchuk sir had left to upgrade his study and I was asked to meet director in his absence. Through P.A I bowed and met with director. He told me to stay strong and be mindful after having said chances of my going back is very less. White & Case would never listen wash what they said. He reached to me that he and some of staffs of RLP had tough time arguing with White & Case with respect to refund I was supposed to make. They spared reimbursement but what remained as balance, I was supposed to give back to RLP and I did. However, I didn’t fail in all subjects. I passed 8 courses and failed in 4 in my second year excluding two carryover of first year. Hence, tuition fees will be lesser than those taking all the courses. Yet other fees such as hostel, library, mess, laptop, wifi, gym, etc. remained same. I had to pay hundred and twenty thousand. Sponsor gave full amount in the beginning when it was time to pay fees. Had they known of my failure earlier they might have not given. But results did not come until 2-3 weeks prior to next trimester’s commencement. It takes long time before results and promotion list come to the notice of students. Hence I cannot take on the blame fully for not making sponsor aware of my status beforehand either.

            Director told me to search and seek for another sponsor. I might have gone to him around 5 to 6 times but all those visits didn’t and could not send me back to college. He was very frank, kind hearted, caring and admirable individual but he could not help since it was huge amount to fund. He had been teacher and teacher definitely does understand problems of intelligent deficient students and children of humbled background. He spoke softly in audible tone. He made himself very clear. One instance he gave me 500 Nu from his own pocket to use it as taxi/bus fare. He had empathy and I appreciated and felt humbled totally. I am grateful for him even to this day. After all money was big issue in Thimphu. I took transportation while I made visits and while coming back home I exercised luxury of legs. Walking back was both saving money and boredom at home. I would sing loudly on the way whenever vehicles are absent and even utter good lines or quotes to console myself. The line, “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you are worth then go out and get what you are worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Coward do that and that ain’t you. You are better than that!” was my comforting line. I heard and learned about this when I was at college. It was recommended by Lalcha. I found it powerful then and there. It was line from the movie Rocky Balbao III.

            The director guided me as to what should I do next. I was told to do things on my own as he guides. He made it clear that he would only render advice, support and assistance and all the follow ups had to be done on my own. I took it positive by realizing Bhutanese proverb “it’s better to show them how to do than you doing it.” He directed me to visit office of Gyalpoi Zimpoen, Tashi Chodzong who might be able to help. I went directly to Zimpoen Wogma (assistant chamberlain) without any authorization through personal assistant since his PA was not in the chamber. I discussed my problem with him, I am not sure of his name, but all I could say was he was truly blessed individual. He listens tenderly and talks clearly as if he will earn something. Perhaps his honorable discerned that he loses nothing by being kind. He clarified that they cannot help as they only help financially backwards and capable students. Then he suggested me to request director to plead once again to White & Case. I can’t even change law school which costs lesser than expensive NLS. For that I need to confirm a seat and acceptance. Besides, syllabuses are different and chances are very minimal. I reached his words to director.

            Director then told me to go once again to Chamberlain’s office but with different request this time. He wanted me to let Zimpoen authorize college of Bhutanese (RUB) to allow me to do re-online despite missing deadline. Last date of submission of document by old students of 12 passed out in order to try applying to various college/institute of Bhutan was on 30^th January, 2015. I came to know of deadline on 18^th Feb and it was late by fortnight already. Even if I had known in time I didn’t have all the documents with me. Equally, I didn’t yet confirm drop out from NLS. In case even if drop out consent was acquired, it would at least take 3 days or more. Thus I went to zimpoen office to authorize RUB to allow me to do re-online as I have missed the deadline. 

            I also made a visit to Yeshi Dorji sir twice to consult his advice. He advised me to quit law school as I had no sponsor and he saw no hope in finding sponsor to send me back to NLSIU. Interestingly, he brought to my notice that my strength was in science and not in Arts. He said I have problem in language. Therefore he suggested me go to CNR for BSc. Sustainable Development by applying for online admission once again. He genuinely told it wasn’t wrong time for me to join and change my decision. Was science my strength? I thought “yes” instantaneously when he told me. I felt comforted to quit law school and give a try to study in-country at CNR. I took the thought to director. However at hindsight and with contemplation I was stuck with my strength in Science as a stream from 11^th standards. I didn’t have Arts and Commerce. Should science ultimately and definitely be my strength or weakness?

            Next time when director sent me to Zimpoen for second time, I encountered Yeshi Dorji sir in between. He saw no chance of kidu from His Majesty whereas Director had feeling that King’s Kasho (royal decree) will override/prevail over laws or rules. RUB rules didn’t allow a candidate who withdrew scholarship to try a second chance. Since, I gave up BSc. Sustainable Development course scholarship during admission time in 2012 I felt I might have been blacklisted. So, I thought I will be disqualified. I personally went to RUB to clarify on this. They said if person gives up the course offered he or she won’t get second chance. Even they told the same thing to director through telephone (director sir asked in my presence). I asked and requested one of the staffs working at RUB to check if my name was there in withdrawn scholarship list to see if I can do re-online next year 2016. He said it should be there and he didn’t check. Another staff checked and he could not find while searching. He however wanted to confirm with another sir. That another sir didn’t bother to check despite my request. He was very firm on his words. He doesn’t even bother to look at my face properly. I felt indignant and angry internally yet I didn’t spoil my self-discipline where ever I go and stay. They might have been busy yet they could at least communicate well to the client. I was asking nothing more than the information and it was as if I went there to ask for his kidney.   

            As RUB staff said once a person withdraws scholarship offer he or she will be blacklisted. So, to solve that issue I again went to Gyalpoi Zimpoen office to file application. I met Yeshi Dorji while I was in the process of finding a place for my application to rest. He took it from my hand, read my hand written application and he said he will discuss it with Zimpoen. I saw him and Zimpoen talk outside office in the sun. Yeshi sir’s opinion was since I got a chance already I should not get second chance when others didn’t even get a first chance. This message hit my heart heavy and sharp. The tear pooled inside my eyes as I found it emotional. It won’t be fair. Even personally I felt his words had bitter truth. Nonetheless, what I ask on the other hand wasn’t a scholarship but a permission to be able to do re-online that year, 2015. He told me to do re-online earlier and he was saying different and opposite stuff to me this time. My intellect could not understand anything at all. Contradictory words are hard to digest and believe. I was actually asking only permission but not scholarship, my marks would do the job if permission was granted. My marks deserve to get in-country College but I was late for that year since I couldn’t submit documents on 30^th of January, 2015. Hence I wanted Kidu to be able to do re-online this year 2015 notwithstanding violation of set deadline. Though I was student who withdrew scholarship at CNR I didn’t occupy seat at constituent college of RUB. Hence my withdrawal should not have affected anything at all. Besides, I have cancelled through phone and no bond was signed. Nor was I made aware when person from CNR agreed my withdrawal of seat at CNR. In fact I rather gave a seat for someone. If I had gone to CNR, signed a bond and then withdrawn my study it would have been different issue. Scholarship I acquired on the other hand at NLS was of institute (BNLI) and I don’t think it is constituent institute of RUB. I didn’t affect anyone. Hence when I do re-online I should be able to get a seat and chance as it’s like acquiring a chance once. I didn’t go to constituent college of RUB after I withdrew CNR scholarship. I personally felt I should be exonerated from the bar set by RUB or there should be amendment to such bar. Yeshi sir told me Zimpoen was saying I can’t have a chance twice.

            At last Yeshi Dorji sir told me to go to Ashi since he found out I can’t get kidu after asking zimpoen. He told Ashi (HRH Princess Sonam Dechen Wangchuk) can be able to help. So I went home (uncle’s place) to prepare the next day to have audience with HRH Ashi. I wanted to do re-online this year, 2015 anyhow because I felt 1 year is long enough to waste time and resources. Life’s short and I have many heads and eyes from my family looking for me to do something and their expectations had been very huge since none of elders (3 sisters) could successfully study and get a job. Their expectations are shattered as much as my dreams and interest in law went in vain. My failure, discontinued scholarship and disability to do re-online might have made my disabled father literally mad. He has been kind outside, though. He understood me and I told them I studied hard and expectation of college was high. They seemed to stay normal. I don’t know, perhaps they didn’t want to bother and trouble already troubled and depressed guy.

            Before I had an audience with HRH Ashi I had to wait in PA’s office. PA already knew about my matter even if I didn’t have a single conversation with him. Yeshi sir might have already told about me and my problem.  Someone was in audience with Ashi before me. It took almost an hour for my turn to come. Finally I was escorted to Ashi’s chamber. I did chagllen and described my problems in details with Ashi. I was literally scared that Ashi would scold for I failed and brought everyone’s expectations down. However it didn’t happen. Ashi was normal and understanding. She did ask about why I failed, my problems at law school and my stay at Thimphu. I had language problem was my answer to why I failed. Ashi advised we must read books besides academic book to improve our English. Very profound words HRH spoke was we must work hard not only for study but in whatever we do in life. That meant lot to me and I value it always. She said she will discuss my problem with the Director. Ashi was bit upset by my fewer visits to BNLI and RLP during my vacation. She told I should have come frequently, explored and sought consultation with staffs of RLP and BNLI which contains hosts of individuals who studied law. I visited only once whenever I was on vacation in Bhutan.

            My parents had phone me time and again after I reached Thimphu. I got to visit many places for my own sake for seeking scholarship sponsorship to continue law, trying in-country College and seek a job. They were worried about my future. I updated them with what I was up to and where I was. After few days of meeting Ashi I went to Director to see what resolution was taken between Ashi and Director. Director told me Ashi was concerned about me and she wanted Director to do whatever he can to help me. He told me they came to 3 resolutions:

 1. Try different law colleges but from 2^nd year

 2. Repeat class 12

 3. Change course and study in India.

Change law school or course should not be my option since both would need sponsorship given inability on the parts of my parent. Hence I quitted those two options and I mentally thought to repeat class 12 and acquire a chance to study in college/institute of Bhutan.

            Before I discussed about studying class 12 again with parents, I have tried to apply to RTC for tuition waiver scholarship. Still then it comes to 106000 if I have to choose to remain in quadruple room. If I pay this much it is as same as going to college of India. Money was what my parents had always fallen short. I had discussed with parents about taking loan form NPPF but that idea scared them. They are doubtful of whether I will be in position to repay back on time later. Since they didn’t consent and assent to my plea and idea, I didn’t want to upset and go against their will. To parents, I at least tried to listen and dance to their tune. I simply love them to hurt them. I also tried getting financial assistance from director but that also didn’t work since amount that I talk was huge amount and director could afford only 50,000 a year. I actually wanted to say, “I want director to help me fund fully or if not half to be able to study at RTC. However I could not discuss further when director told me one lakh is huge amount to be able to help. I made my U-turn home. My downloaded filled out form for scholarship to study at RTC got wasted and useless.

            My parents finally directed me to repeat class 12 again so that I can study in colleges of Bhutan next year. For this year, rule of RUB would not allow me for I withdrew CNR scholarship once. I prepared my journey on the eve of leaving to Paro. I wanted to stay at a high school and classmate friend Kinzang Wangdi’s home when I reached at Paro. After I phone and confirmed my stay with Kinzang on the previous day, my journey started from around 3:30 pm next day and we reached Paro at around 5 pm. He goes to class till 4 pm at Paro College of Education. My phone call disturbed him in the class was what he said later when he came to fetch me to his home. He was having HPE (health and physical exercise) class making him fixed at college till 5 pm. He however didn’t mind at all.

            Kinzang and I took my belonging to his home. Paro was such a wide valley and I could have not known anything in case if he wasn’t there. Thanks to him I was able to go to Tenzin Higher Secondary school to enquire about admission. It costs 70, 000 to be a boarding student. My parents gave me 47, 000 for fees and it was for 1^st installment of first half of academic year. Fees can be paid in 2 terms. 12000 was pocket money which I may have to use it for buying mattress, pillow, clothes, dress, shoes, plates, mugs, bucket, sickle, books and necessary items. I didn’t have to buy all of these however.

            Kinzang Wangdi was shocked to hear about my misfortune at his home. He thought I came to him for meet and hang out since we didn’t meet for last 3 years since 2011, 12^th standards at PHSS. I told about my scholarship cancellation and waiting to study 12^th grade again. I told him I was disqualified to participate in online application. He directly told me to ask for a terms. There should be a term till which I will remain as disqualified and after that I should be able to participate in re-online application to study in college/institute of RUB. I can never have a second chance for applying for abroad. My door to study outside the country was closed. The rules are for all the students of Bhutan. We only get one fresh chance as a fresher. After Kinzang reminded of the term I phoned my younger uncle to go and visit RUB office and enquire about term. He did it the next day.

            Nearly I paid half of the fee (35000) to Tenzin HSS which once paid is non-refundable under any sort of circumstances. I paid 350 Ngultrum for registration form. They wanted me to come with fees the next day. Tenzin HSS received a circular from MOE stating any schools in Bhutan should not entertain those who passed 12^th standards to study again if gap is more than a year. If gap is 2 years, we can avail continuous education but not regular. In my case I passed 12 in 2011. I can only repeat in 2012, not later than 2012. Admission Committee scanned through my original mark sheet of 10 and 12. They are surprised to see my good result. They asked me why I was repeating despite good marks. I told them all my problems. They apprised me about circular sent by MOE and if any mishaps occur later like Ministry coming to know about me I should not blame Tenzin HSS. I was told that I should bear risk on my own. I agreed after they comforted me that chance is very minimal for misfortune to strike. I promised I will report to school the next day.

            My parents told me, “There too, there is a problem. They would say anything. They just want money”. I however told them I am going to study because I have no other choices. God didn’t stop blessing me there also. Before I actually report to college and did shopping, my uncle who went to RUB clarified me that it is pointless repeating 12 and there is no clause stating cooling period for me to be able to try again for scholarship after withdrawing first opportunity. If I am disqualified repeating doesn’t make any sense since I will bear same ID and I will be that same person was what he was told. On the other hand, I can avail service of online with No-objection letter. I was glad and thankful to god and my uncle. Equally, I was angry for how I was treated. Why didn’t RUB concerned staff say that I am qualified if I have no-objection letter from my sponsor? Why did he tell to my uncle but not me? On what basis was difference made? I didn’t understand then and I still look down upon myself and my fate. There wasn’t any reason for me to waste time unnecessarily in preparing for repeat. I could have already been to my parents at Autsho, Lhuntse. It was more than a year that I didn’t see my parents because I had tasks to complete and fulfill which cannot be done from Autsho. I needed to stay at Thimphu. You know how much I missed home. Nowhere is home for me, be it village or anywhere unless my parents stay. Place where mother and father dwell is home for me.

            I stayed at Paro at Kinzang’s home for 3 days. They had been good host to me. They never left me hungry and bored. I visited the college and watched football played by future teachers. I visited Kinzang’s friend’s home where I was served with tea and snacks. Even at hostel of Paro College of Education I had tea with my friend and classmate Sonam Wangchuk. Kinzang and rest of students other than first years were day student. Kinzang stayed in traditional Bhutanese house and paid 1200 as a rent. There were two rooms. It’s quite a good and spacious for student. Paro was chilly and windy after midday. There were lots of building, schools, resort, sacred sites and shops.

            On Saturday, 28^th February I returned to Thimphu accompanied by Kinzang and his wife. He told me he met her before two years. She repeated 12 Commerce at Yoezerling but her marks were not up to the marks for re-online. Hence she stayed helping Kinzang in preparing meals, washing clothes and doing dishes. They came to Thimphu to attend big annual national Rimdo held at Pangri Zampa. I also attended there with offering and cash the very next day, Sunday. Two of them visited on that day itself. Kinzang was so shy and hesitant that he didn’t accept an offer of even a cup of tea at my uncle’s house. He didn’t even make an effort enter inside, let alone have a meals and chat.

            At Thimphu I had made frequent visit to internet cafe and visited different websites to ensure I didn’t miss any scholarship opportunities and jobs. I visited so frequent that I kind of felt hesitant to visit time and again in same internet cafe. I almost knew every internet cafe shop then. Once, RTC-YDF need based scholarship was announced in which I participated. It needed gup’s sign, recommendation letters, parent’s details and sibling’s details. However I also didn’t qualify there owing to crossing age limit. I was 25 and only those with age 22 and below can apply. However, that official had taken my documents saying that he will put it up once and see. After that I decided that I will do re-online next year and I will not go anywhere until then than to sit and breathe comfortably.

However, I had to rethink my decision later when my eyes saw job opportunity. I felt a need to do temporary job till I try re-online next year. Job is for the post of sales executive at Paro for 6 months. My parents did not want me to go since I had nothing with me. I needed to buy everything including house rent. I gave that up. After that vacancy for the post of Project Assistant for 12 passed out was announced by Cabin Secretary in Kuensel. My friend Ugyen Lhendup reached this news to me and I applied. Job was for one year contract. There was 30 % contract allowance and salary was attractive. I wanted to join that instead of remaining idle since it will provide experience and money. I was shortlisted and ranked first. Interview was to be held on 24^th April. Six candidates were shortlisted. There were only 4 at interview, though. Of which one had to leave since his mom got admitted to hospital leaving only three of us. He dropped from college like me. Two others were graduates. I was called first. I went inside and gave interviews. I wasn’t nervous even a bit because I thought I can be selected if I am of deserving anyway, otherwise not. Panelists laughed sometimes when I told them I don’t know answers. I even didn’t know full form of G2C. Post is for G2C Project Assistant. Idea of having to prepare for the post didn’t even strike in my mind.  On the previous night I read and practiced only Excel, Microsoft and Power point and forgot to do basic research as I gave more focus on IT skills as it was one of the requirements. I laughed at myself later to reply I gave. One of them even said, “You came here without any preparation and you are not concerned even if you are selected or deselected.” Wittily I replied, “I came here with less or no preparation thinking that I will start to prepare seriously once I get selected.” All of them laughed and I enjoyed the interview as I sensed tons of confidence and absence of fear in myself.

            One reason for my fearlessness was because I had another option, i.e. waiting for RTC-YDF need based scholarship shortlist which I have applied for. If I got selected in interview of Project Assistant job, I would miss scholarship to study at RTC. Scholarship was for financially backward students having scored 55 percent and above. There were two seats, one for male and one for female. Scholarship is for 3 years and it was full scholarship. However I was not shortlisted in YDF-RTC scholarship. Though I crossed limit for YDF-RTC need based scholarship I had hope. In interview for the Project Assistant, panelists apprised me that though the post is for one year, contract should extend till 3 years; one year is a probation period. They asked me if I will be available after one year. I told them I will have to join and go to college. They understood I won’t be available and I understood there and then I wasn’t selected. However, they appreciated and verbally applauded my attitude towards completing degree and education.

            In the process of waiting for re-online next year, 2016 result of 5^th semester of NLSIU came. Back at NLSIU in 5^th trimester I had Family Law-I repeat and I performed exam. As result came I checked if I passed or not. “Failed” was the remark despite being a repeater and having only one subject (course) to study in entire 3 month (trimester). I was overthrown, confused, frustrated and sad, all at the same time. Deep inside I felt intensely sulked at myself thinking my fortune was exhausted to study further and I wanted to permanently find a job that will feed me and aid my survival, doesn’t matter how small it may be.

            But as of now I am thinking and under illusion that I should at least have a degree before I acquire a job. Many graduates still wander at Thimphu searching for job going through lots of interview, application and depression. I pretty much know how it feels to have fed by others. Everyone enjoys independence. No one would want to dance to the tune of others whims and fancies. Addition of age adds our sensitivity to small stuff aggravating our inability to keep our asses fixed at other’s home, be it relatives’ or siblings’. I know they will never have such thoughts on us yet it is always great to have all the things under our own control. You want to live life of your own and you want to go wherever you like and pursue happiness but for that I need to find a place to settle and it is going to be still many miles away and ahead for me to get to that point. Let my patience take me to what will keep my body and soul together, at least to barest minimum level.

            Sometimes, feeling desperate for job does fight against my patience. But small job perhaps, would not be in a position to repay the loans of kindness, hospitality, money, care, advice, love and help provided by various people. Small job will suffice me, though. What about my marriage, kid and parents? Hence degree is what I chose since it will pay higher salary than going for job right away. Also there is no guarantee to getting job with 12 results.

            Finally under many stress, tensions, worries and depression I made my mind to stay at Tsirang, thinking nothing else until next year. I want to relax, refresh and energize myself for next battle of choice the next year. Diversified roads are roads that kept me alive till now but with some insights, effect and impact left behind. I have drawn lessons in life. There were many instances where my diversified path became further diversified inside my head.

 

CHAPTER 15

MY WEAKNESSES AND HOPE

When there were too much of diversification I sometimes stimulated and depressed myself by use of stimulants and depressants giving me temporary relief. It wasn’t totally bad. When I am back to sense there used to be fresh mind with forgotten troubles and repentance at times. However I can never be an addict. I believe use of it once in a blue moon can be helpful to our body. Substance invited me and befriended me in times of boredom, loneliness and sadness at law school but not before my failure and hearing of bad news i.e. sponsorship cancellation. I had lots of free times after I failed and repeated 2^nd year. 5^th trimester was repeating year. I had only one subject to clear. I had lots of free hours. I had two hours of classes a day, three days in a week and rest were all free. I knew I cannot attend 6^th trimester. Hence I was involved in substance. Weed was what I used and I found it very pleasant and pleasurable. It kills time. It makes you hungry and thin, though. I did it five to six times with one of the repeaters of 4^th year guy. He would ask me to come to his room for it whenever I wanted and feel like.

            One day I was advised by my close friend, Deepanker to not do it. He had heard from someone else about my involvement in substance. He advised me so nicely and politely to an extent which made me never to touch it again except one time during HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2015. In New Year 5^th years sponsor it since they won’t be back to celebrate another time. When there are many people gathered, I always sort of get nervous, shy, bored, uneasy and blank. Hence I used weed to boost my courage and confidence. I have always drunk liquor, especially cocktail to make a party worthy one. I had lost my conscience on two occasions where friends helped me get to bed and walk out of bus. My feelings are not scientifically proven with respect to usage of alcohol and weed. Youth should not get inspired if you agree to my feelings or even if you feel like experiencing after reading my novel as a curious novice. There are more negative side effects than benefits. My shyness and weak mental faculty in terms of emotional intelligence still is present as fresh as I was and those substances did not remove it. It would rather make us addictive and dependent on it if we take it as friend. Thus, our focus should be to understand self and solve it for development on day to day basis. I am still battling this and lots have improved over the time. It recurs at times yet more days are filled with positivity in comparison to those olden days.

            Another bad thing about me is I am concerned with making all happy and fear hurting others which often land up hurting me. Back then I didn’t argue much with friends except Lalcha and for him I was like King. I would do anything to make myself win. He was a punching bag. Bad thing is sometimes I would behave differently in public or crowd but speak and think different in room. I would find hard to say, “NO” and it hurts me sometimes. Friends would say I am so diplomatic when I don’t lie on either side when I am made to right the situation. Since I don’t hurt and try to make others comfortable before myself my friends sometimes say I am like “Buddha”. “Please don’t show your Buddha nature here, it may work in Bhutan but not here”. Whenever there are instances of needing people to wait to avail service I would land up being in at last. I would wait till all availed but not out of my choice. My meekness, anxiety and shyness kept me last and sometimes I internally feel frustrated for my own stupid mistake and weaknesses.

            In first year at law school, year passed by so fast and I found nothing that is bothering me but starting from 2^nd year I started feeling left out. I could not talk to classmates than just giving smile. I talked very slow and soft that people sometimes don’t answer when I ask something. Perhaps they didn’t hear. I may have seated with different friends on same/different bench my mouth remained closed but brain wondering if I should say something. My brain wanted me to be social. People rush to sit in the front in the class. I choose front seat because I find it difficult to see clearly and hear audibly from the back bench. I sit in front but talk and participate nil in the class. I would give full attention and response through gesture, though. At times because of too much hours spent at desk reading up something for class or project, I feel so tired and my back aches too much that it puts me to sleep in the class. Even during boring lecture, I doze. My friends would say, “Tashi how could you manage to sit right in the front and sleep?’’

            Inside class I would say, generally 50 percent of pupils would listen to what professor had to teach while rest would either comfortably snore or play mobile phones or chat among themselves. Intensity is more when class is occupied by voice of boring and lenient Professor and the boring subject. People stay awake till 3 or 4 am and come to class with hew hours of sleep making up in the class. Some professor would not mind; they carry with their own business of teaching and completing syllabus, others will throw you out of class or make you wash your face and come back. Coffee or tea during the break also worked out in doing away with sleepiness.

            As class starts from 8:50 a.m having slept late they would come to class late. Sometimes they would not even wash their faces. They make their sleep through afternoon nap starting from. People would sleep for two or three hour and they would wake up and do something thereafter. I have tried and secretly wanted to make myself morning person, sleep at 12 am or 1 am and get up at 6 or 7 am but it always failed because I was habituated sleeping at around 1;30-3;00 am and waking up at 8 am or 8;30 am. I had missed class only few times and I could make to class most of the time. I used to attain almost every conference and guest lecture that would demand our attendance compulsorily. VC would come in class and he would say as usual, “attendance is compulsory.” Likewise I attained or watched songs and dances going on in campus during functions. People would however write names of their absentee friend as present when attendance register is passed over. Sometimes I remain back to hostel when all others go depending on my mood. I would find it bit awkward to go in absence of my close friend. Internet has aided me in most of the time, good or bad ones in ensuring I am distracted and alive. Hence when connection got problematic sometimes due to power shut down or other reasons, I used to feel something is absent and empty.

            There used to be games competition within students of NLS to break monotony of college. I participated in all. Football, volleyball and basketball; I was an extra player, though. Weird thing is not being fully aware of rules of game made me not so confident to play. I wasn’t sport guy before. I don’t follow any sort of games anywhere. I only watch real/live match when I have no other important business to do.

            In short college life at NLSIU, Bangalore was whole lot of fun and I miss it. I realize that it is not only place but people and environment that make a place beautiful. I don’t think I would love a place once my friends (batch of 2017) leave NLS. I would have no one to hang around with even if I got a chance to visit there again. But I surely would enjoy if even one of my batch mates especially good friends is there to hang around talking and trying to remember and narrate our life there once upon a time. We would compare present and past look of college. We may meet, talk and share our experiences with those studying there.

            After I reached back to Bhutan and lived a resumed life in Bhutan which I once lived before uninterrupted, I realize that I still am that shy, quiet and an emotional person that I was back at law school. I have not changed. I have same attitude to life. I have learned lot of knowledge about law and life in India, though. That same feeling of boredom and loneliness still creep in me sometimes. Nevertheless I am trying to take it positively and come to terms with it. I don’t want to surrender my life in their hands. Thus being social and making new friends in new area is very important in life. We should do something else that would travel through time and space reducing and neglecting room for boredom and loneliness. Loneliness and boredom also travel through time, though. However being social and interactive doesn’t solve the problem entirely because we can never be with others all the time. If we can’t be with others all our time, surely there should be room for boredom or loneliness created by their absence or hangover of staying with them. I, myself don’t feel the change (I might have without realizing, may be) but I feel I should be strong and independent man. I thus want to not shower my tears in public or I should cry as minimum as possible and calm myself that I should lead my life happily and strongly. Still, I am not an independent and strong as a man. I have to improve. I find hanging and being with adults difficult. Silence creeps in me whenever I am with adults but when I am with kids I feel so comfortable to open myself up. I share what I know, feel and think to them.

From Tsirang I travelled to Autsho when my father was ill. I felt I stayed at Tsirang long and I had minds to go to home and sickness of father had driven me home. I was accompanied by sister and her youngest son. I had a bunch of kids and children who hang around with me at Autsho. We used to play tiger five, king ball (two opposing team play against each other. One would try to throw the ball and fell the built stone piles. There would be 7 stones stacked one onto other. Once we fell all or some team that fallen stone pile must be stacked again before all the players get hit by the ball thrown by opposite team one by one. In case if opposing team hit you with ball you are out of game) and go for swimming. When I worked in place of mother, they do help me out in finishing the work fast. We would watch wrestling (WWE) and movies together.

            At home sometimes I felt, what people think of me. I wanted to hide in comfort of home as I feared what people ask. For them I am still studying in India. Unfamiliar people call me “SIR” wherever I go and on the other hand I am playing with those kids jobless. I didn’t complete my study and don’t have job to be called “Sir”. I really felt awkward when they call me the title especially by ones who have job. I would have surprising answer for them if they ask what job I do. When they ask I used to say I am a student.

            I had tough time initially sharing about my failure and discontinuance of study at NLS to people. Whenever questions like, what do you do? Where do you study? When are you completing your studies? When are you going back to college? I used to think those people are integrator. But gradually with time and effort I sort of felt comfortable to share the truths. Initially I used to say I still study at NLS. Later I told them I quitted law school and I am opting to study again next year, 2016. They would ask why. I tell them my answers. I have even escaped meet and potential meet with people to avoid interaction and conversation that I don’t want to share. “Time can heal the pain” is really true. I am very comfortable now to share about my failure, sponsorship withdrawal and opting for other options. People and friends have sympathized my problem and inability to continue further. They however are supportive of my view to try different option in 2016. They comforted me and I came to know that Bhutanese have value of empathy as people have been saying. “All will go well. You are still young. Even those in job are continuing their study. You can do better this time, in-coutry.” says Phuntsho Chophel a friend and one year senior of mine at high school. Only with sharing truth did load that I was carrying so heavily on my back and mind seem to have lightened up. I could also find little bit of confidence in myself as I could share to more. However, there were some pressure to answer when asked or details dug at times. Our mind is so unpredictable and moody.

            I also feel the same as comforted by Phuntsho but I still have to wait for the truth. Firstly god must ensure I have done re-online application for admission in colleges of Bhutan. Rest would be gone good. I will work my ass off to the best of my ability. I will leave rest to god and karma. God and karma alone shall decide how I walk diversified roads in this life and many lives to come in future. This is truth of life of mine, as I saw through my own spectacle which might not stand rigid and firm since nothing in this world is permanent including the pain you experience. Yet we cannot live idle and crying without moving forward in life by thinking of futility and ephemeral nature of life. We need to live, help oneself, others and make life worth living for. Alas everything is but drama.    

             Since the road I walked had been diversified since class 9, I have always found more than 2 options popping up in front of me. Even before I take a job God or my KARMA wanted me or saw a need for me to still travel diversified roads and walk on. I have walked with no choices sometimes but I chose most of the time, decisively or with doubts in mind. I still don’t know if I will not have to walk diversified path because I have definitely element of choice next year when I have to try in-country scholarship with 12 passed students of 2015. I will have to compete with them, especially with Bio-Science students in acquiring a seat in college of Bhutan. I am sure I will have around 10 options or more. I had 16 options when I first applied for college or institutes of Bhutan in 2012. I have still not decided where to go. Yet I have reduced choices, BA Political Science and Sociology, B.Ed general, B.Ed Bio Chemistry, BSc Sustainable Development and BA Dzongkha and English. You see the roads are still diversified. I will have to choose one firmly, strongly and single mindedly.

            Having to walk different and many ways doesn’t matter to me since each way has its own experience to offer. I feel I have walked quite enough of diversified roads and I am hoping that I have now fewer and less diversified roads left. On the contrary, I don’t have control and I simply must and will be abided by roads shown to me by my choice, my god and the TRUTH of life.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[1] Those one year senior who bears same roll numbers as a fresher is considered as roll mom and those who bear same rank numbers are called as rank mom at NSLIU, Bangalore by students. Rank moms are foreigners sharing same rank with yours.

[2] It is referred to as module in university of Bhutan and subjects in school.