Failed First Relationship

To narrate about my betrayal experience, it is not really easy or justifiable to do so as I have now overcame the hurt feelings that I once felt and taking my mind back to that time through present doesn’t cause me same heartache that I felt once and long ago. So, I fear I might do less justice. However, if I try recollecting and explaining as closest as I possibly can:

I have not been deeply betrayed for I consider cause of faults was from my side on hindsight. Let me share my part first before I share hers. From my lens, I had considered her as my girlfriend as I shared my words of hearts to her in normal times and especially with help of drinks as I express better when in drunken state. As a reserved person, with difficulty I began sharing to friends and colleagues at work whenever they asked about my relationship status. Also, at the same time I could not think of future and was not ready as I was kind of new to relationship. One day she said she was getting married by next year and I joked to her to go ahead as I wasn’t ready. I told her she can go ahead with others in case if I am ready the next year. She wanted me to meet up with her relatives or parents. I was not able to go ahead. We kept chatting yet most of efforts to converse were from my part. She only responded. Initiation to chat and keep chat rolling was solely my burden. That having to put all effort from my part was painful and I was indicated by multiple friends that she might be having someone or she isn’t into me. All of that happened after I said I am not yet ready. Friends’ indication used to steal peace of my mind yet I had never decided things simply based on what others say. I had no single doubt that she had someone. So, I thought she was still mine. We kept things as it is and one day I caught her calling and then I began doubting. She said it’s her friend. Another time when I caught her she was in voice call too. Perhaps, she might have realized that it was better to tell truth no matter how harsh it might be she decided and poured me the truth. She told me since I was not ready she had to be with someone. I was dumbfounded. Yet I didn’t say anything bad to her and I said to carry on. I assured her I will be good and consoled her to not feel bad for me. Last moment chat was heartburning and truth was hard to digest and resist. Yet, I thanked her internally for solving my doubt. My doubt that she doesn’t love me got solved. I didn’t even know what to feel or describe how I was feeling. Since she took my unpreparedness seriously she had to go on with someone else. So, there I felt fault was mine and I saw no fault in her. However, there was little feeling of betrayal that I felt. I felt she should have told me earlier or on day zero of her new relationship as I had been purely diverting my soul and heart into her. That was only betrayed feeling I felt.

However, parting naturally has pain and for around a week or so there was deep sadness inside the heart. Romantic and sad songs were salt to an injury. Heart was both heavy and light and feeling of melancholy was vast and spacious. The time that kept me alone was most painful. So, presence of friends had me healed quickly.

Now to tell of her story that I heard from my friend (he added her to tell about me when I had doubts): She was so deeply hurt when I said I was not ready for marriage. Even afterwards I realized that I was harsh though I intended to joke. She was said to have loved me and after hurt she had to choose someone who is more serious and dedicated. Regret was all on my part. I felt low on myself. Hence, I thought to take relationship more seriously as girls take things seriously even in joke. Thus, I have decided to invest in relationship as cause of failure earlier was me. Still, there are lots of gaps that I am not able to fill up. Stories of rejection and dejection are all but part and parcel of life. Hearts are played by all equally irrespective of gender was what I realized after all the things I perceived.